There's a major problem when you expect your partner to fulfil every role in your life, instead of stepping into that role yourself. I've learnt for myself that no one soul can ever be everything to us.

Trauma-informed is not domestic violence-informed. We need both. @safeandtogether #coercivecontrol #FixSystemsNotSurvivors

• Changes in consumption patterns from, for instance, the higher cost of living for women who live alone to escape violence costs $705.5 million.

• Transfer costs to the economy from benefit payments, ACC compensation and lost tax revenue are $582.3 million.

• Productivity costs such as lost wages and days off work are $954.1 million.

• Costs associated with police, court, Corrections, legal services, child protection, victim support and perpetrator programmes add up to $836.7 million.

• The annual direct health costs from treating victims is $377.3 million.

Key findings from the report include: • The cost of pain, suffering and premature mortality attributable to violence is $3.6 billion.

A report commissioned by the Glenn Inquiry in 2014, estimated the economic cost of child abuse and intimate partner violence in New Zealand between $4.1 to $7 billion per year and rising, estimating the cumulative cost over the next ten years would approach $80 billion.

All I ever wanted was for Mum to be safe from Dad. If she was safe, so were we. Our story went on too long because Mum didn’t know she could leave. She tried so hard for years to save my Dad from his pain. All that happened was his pain became her pain, and that became our pain.

Trust should be built in increments. People should not be dismissed before they are given an opportunity to show who they are. But nor should anyone be trusted in all things immediately.

Cycles repeat until one person has the courage to say: ‘This shit stops with me’.

‘Through my own journey I’ve learnt that my pain has actually been the biggest invitation to heal.’

I know with absolute certainty that for you to inflict or project pain onto her, you must be in immense pain yourself.

SHAME magnifies in secrecy. It ruled my life until I was met with understanding and empathy. Choose wisely who you share your SHAME with, they have the power to heal or hurt.

As long as you hate yourself, it will never be possible to be patient and kind to any child who reminds you of you.

Vulnerability can often be mistaken for weakness, but I assure you there is nothing weak about a man who has the courage to own his own baggage, and begin to address a way of living that currently is not only hurting those around him but is destroying him from the inside out too.

A healthy relationship is about an equal partnership of mutual respect.

‘Not everyone is worthy of our trust, and that is honestly why it is so much better to start any new relationship slowly.’

Find the courage to heal your wounds before you do what has been done many times before: continue to transmit your hurt and your trauma to your children or partner.