scott 🌞
@scottdomes
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create the inner ecosystem that supports your best work 🪴 somatic/IFS coaching for ambitious creatives 🌊 work with me:
Joined June 2021
breaking old patterns means stepping into tension, rather than trying to avoid it
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a pattern I’m noticing with smart, thoughtful people is that they usually know what their problems are, they know where those problems come from, they know the intellectual steps to solve them. but they get stuck there, in analysis mode, churning through insight after insight.
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the best indicator that your body feels safe where you are is spontaneous silliness.
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notice the environments where you become your favourite version of yourself.
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a lot of my personal growth has just been being able to say “I like this” or “I don’t like this” with increasing honesty & conviction. owning what I want to experience, without fear of criticism or rejection.
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i used to have this fantasy that if I fully understood the roots of my stuck patterns (e.g. “oh I do this because X happened to me as a kid”) then those patterns would instantly change. but intellectual understanding on its own doesn’t create change.
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“I’m not doing enough” puts your body into a state of fear, eliciting a freeze response, making it a self fulfilling prophecy . “I’m moving towards what I most want” creates relaxation, opening up your mind to perceive more options, increasing the odds of actualization.
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the goal of all deep serious inner work is to become a silly little goofball once more.
🪞 Being silly is also a form of spiritual enlightenment.
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the trick is to see the gap between who I am and who I want to be, and seek to close it without shaming myself for its existence.
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your muscles will relax when they feel safe to do so. your creativity will emerge when it feels safe to do so. your intuition will express itself when it feels safe to do so. your grief will release when it feels safe to do so.
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some people just need that one person who says “I think you’d be great at that” when it comes to their big dream . I want to be that person as often as possible.
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things I thought would make me a better person:. - shaming myself for mistakes.- forcing myself to be better.- rejecting negative thoughts/feelings.- using “discipline” to push past what I was feeling.- trying to emulate traits that seemed admirable.- talk therapy.
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if you want to deeply understand someone, it’s less about interrogating them with endless questions and more about holding a warm & welcoming space for them to open up as they feel ready. it’s the same with understanding your deep emotions.
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there’s being nice to yourself and then there’s being so nice to yourself that you have an absolute abundance of enthusiasm for life that fuels your every step
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the creative shift from “I’m trying to express this idea” to “I’m letting this idea express itself through me” is honestly so freeing. allow yourself to be the mouthpiece.
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when you choose a partner, you’re choosing the version of yourself that shows up when you’re around them.
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important to remember that Marcus Aurelius was essentially a guy stuck in a job he hated.
The most powerful passage from Meditations by Marcus Aurelius:
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my anxiety usually comes down to an urgent cry of “I don’t know what to do”. which has the underlying belief that I *need* to *know* what to do. i.e. if I don’t have certainty then I won’t be safe . so the way forward is to create a sense of safety *within* the uncertainty.
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things I thought would make me a better person:. - obsessing over the right thing to do.- forcing myself to emulate people I admire.- shaming myself for mistakes.- doing whatever felt hardest.- optimizing my morning routine.- journalling about how to solve my problems.
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if you felt you had to “perform” as a child in order to receive the love & recognition you craved, you might feel guilty or resistant to feeling joy to its fullest extent . your body is interpreting joy as a threat to the performance, and thus as a threat to your access to love.
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in the short term, we’re rewarded for disconnecting from our bodies. but in the long term…
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you don’t increase your agency by waiting for certainty. you increase your agency by training your body to feel safe in uncertainty.
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things that actually helped me:. - meeting myself with loving curiosity.- focusing on what energizes me.- warm acceptance for all thoughts/feelings.- using discipline to integrate what I’m feeling.- trying to embody what I want to experience & express.- somatic therapy.
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imagine the version of you that already has the thing you’re yearning for: how do they wake up in the morning? how do they go about making breakfast? how do they move, how do they feel in their body?. can you begin to embody that version of you?.
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they believe the next epiphany will finally spur them to action, but it never does. I know this very well since this used to be me. and the leap I had to make was away from my intellectual explanations and towards my felt intuition . what was my body trying to tell me?.
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“who am i around this person? do I like that version of myself?” remains my favourite dating advice.
I’ve gotten happier in dating by broadening physical attraction criteria & indexing more on intangibles like: “how safe do I feel in his arms?” & “how do I feel about myself in his presence?”.
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that hard thing you need to do: how would the most relaxed version of you approach it? the most confident version?.
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now I view those logical insights as just a way to unlock more warmth & compassion to myself. it’s less about deep analysis and more about loving curiosity . which is what actually changes the patterns.
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if you want something to thrive, pay attention to its ecosystem. (pay attention to your ecosystem).
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turns out many of those logical explanations of my issues simply weren’t true . they kept me shielded from the real truths, keeping my true feelings at a distance . but once I could uncover & connect with those buried feelings, everything became simpler.
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constantly rushing is a sign you’re prioritizing external outcomes over inner experience.
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trying to “fix yourself” generally makes your neuroses more intense. trying to meet yourself with love generally makes them lighter.
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things that actually helped:. - experimenting to find the most energizing thing to do.- celebrating what I admire in myself.- forgiving myself for mistakes.- doing whatever feels most impactful.- sleeping more.- journalling to reassure my hurt parts.
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The Huberman stuff is significant to me because I don’t want to take psychological advice from someone who treats people like shit . Like what’s the point of sun exposure in the morning if you’re not using that energy to cultivate loving relationships?.
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so much wisdom here. the big reframe is from “how do I get what I want?” to “how do I create the best possible environment for what I want?” . you’re always creating an ecosystem around you, a garden of possible energies. cultivate it with intention.
Sex and love isn’t about making yourself so hot and perfect AT ALL it’s about making other people feel so free and loose that the environment can’t help but create sex and love.
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why you can’t shame yourself into releasing what’s holding you back:
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notice the felt difference between pushing yourself towards something you think you should want, and being pulled towards what you truly desire.
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it becomes a lot easier to let go of shame when you start to notice how everything you do is motivated by a desire for love, safety, and belonging.
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when all your energy is trying to solve the problem of “I need to be better” then you have no space to look at the question of “what do I love”, which is how you actually become better.
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the desire to create often comes from wanting to share some experience or truth with the world. it can feel like an urgent need, like something we’re desperate to express and release. that urgency then gets in the way of the expression, causing us to contract and freeze up.
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the very sensitive child has an innate craving to be cared for, to have their needs met with attention and attunement. giving yourself that internal experience of care/attention/attunement is, in my experience, the fastest way to release the dissociation and avoidance.
The very sensitive child > turn it all off, avoid, dissociate into adulthood > meditate x thousand hours to try to fix it pipeline is a prominent one.
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the easiest indicator that you've made the right choice is a potent & visceral feeling of relaxation throughout your whole body.
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high self awareness is a burden when you’re using it to find things in yourself to criticize & repress. high self awareness is a gift when you’re using to find things in yourself to love & amplify.
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the goal is to get yourself unstuck, not because there’s anything wrong with being stuck, but because it’s so much more fun to be in motion. the way to get unstuck is, paradoxically, to learn to enjoy the stuckness.
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the simplest way to both decrease social anxiety and increase charisma seems to be tuning into what I’m feeling in my body and speaking in a way that feels resonant with that. rather than trying to guess what will please others, which makes interactions feel forced & false.
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chronic self-criticism is a way to feel like you're "doing something" about the perceived problem, without actually taking any action. it's your subconscious finding the perfect compromise between the desire to stay stuck (and therefore safe) and the desire to move forward.
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increasingly convinced that learning to own your preferences is like 50% of spiritual work.
having strong preferences is a sign of vibrant life force.
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write down exactly what you want out of life, with as much specificity as possible, and without shying away from “unrealistic” ambitions . and as you do so, notice where you get stuck, notice what you can’t quite articulate, and notice what feels scary to even consider.
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relationships get a bit easier when you’re not seeking proof of your worthiness from the other person.
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taking complete responsibility for your life is a natural effect of treating yourself with compassion . if you always speak to yourself harshly when you make a mistake, you’ll instinctively avoid responsibility, so as to avoid that self flagellation.
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it’s strange how hard it was for me to acknowledge that the fastest way to self growth was being nicer to myself . your psyche responds to love the way a plant responds to sunlight.
i love self love and inner work so much. because what do you mean i can elevate the kind of love i attract by being extra sweet to myself!?.
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replace the word “discipline” with “devotion” and see what happens.
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there are actually very few downsides to having absolute confidence in yourself and the quality of love you have to offer the world.
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how to start to let go of the need to perform:. - imagine the worst case scenario of a “bad” performance: being embarrassed/criticized/rejected/whatever comes to mind.- notice what sensations show up in your body.- meet those sensations with as much warmth & acceptance as you can.
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pernicious shame isn’t “I did something wrong” it’s “I am something wrong”
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“I need to get this done quickly or else I’ll be a failure” is one form of urgency. it feels like clenching in the body, gritted teeth, a heavy weight pressing down on you. “I want to get this done quickly because I can’t wait to see what it looks like” is another form of.
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some of the best dating “advice” I’ve given to someone recently was “you don’t sound invigorated when you talk about them”. people really just need a mirror to reflect their own experience back at them, nothing more 🪞.
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the quickest way to illuminate all your limiting beliefs is to name your wildest ambitions & start making a plan.
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maybe you don't need more discipline, maybe you just need one person to say "I think you'd be amazing at that" when it comes to your big vision.
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the problem with “I should be able to do this” is that it closes you off from the key question: “what do I need in order to be able to do this?”.
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the discipline that emerges from shame is heavy & oppressive; the discipline that comes from joy is supportive & sustaining.
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one thing I’ve noticed about analytical people (myself included) is that we’re so quick to have an explanation of why something went wrong . “Oh yeah I do that because…”. we want to pretend we’re in control, without stopping to acknowledge the underlying emotions.
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having a scarcity mindset leads to burnout because it causes us to cling to relationships/opportunities that we think are rare but actually aren’t . so we become like a video game character who hoards every item, overencumbered by things that we don’t actually value or need.
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courage isn’t forced, it’s cultivated . you can’t just snap your fingers and choose to be braver, but you can create the conditions where you have more access to courage . and that’s through increasing your sense of being loved & supported, whether external or internal.
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if you struggle to celebrate yourself, it’s possible that it’s less about humility and more about keeping yourself small to avoid rejection & criticism.
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not to get all woo woo but I’ve really leaned into “everything always works out in the end/the universe has my back” this year and it’s insane how true that feels now. even if you believe it’s all confirmation bias, why not choose to confirm an incredibly optimistic bias?.
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unfortunately one of the best forms of inner child work is being cringe in public.
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I don’t know why we decided wanting attention is a bad thing. attention from someone who loves you is the most wonderful thing in the world, it’s the most fundamental human craving, we can never get enough of it. why are we disowning such a deep part of us.
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the more clearly that you can articulate what you’re feeling in a given moment, the more you’ve lost touch with the actual felt sense of it. your conscious mind wants to take over and form a final thesis, and in doing so creates disconnection from the body 🐚.
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some advice I got from a mentor, which I now pass on to my clients:. - if the pain is 8/10 or higher, lean into your coping mechanisms. distract as much as needed; seek comfort .- if the pain is 7/10 or less, try sitting with it, for as long as you can. also know yourself: are.
i still can’t figure out what to do with emotional pain. is it better to cry and writhe and feel everything, or is it better to distract and wait for the wave to pass a bit?.
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my target audience is people who are trying to overthink their way into achieving big things so they can then relax & have fun & feel okay about themselves . and my job is just to help them switch the order, so that cultivating relaxation & joy is the way they achieve big things.
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the most socially awkward people I know are actually driven by this deep desire to make everyone around them feel comfortable & safe. but that means they’re overly focused on others’ experience and not their own. which makes interactions feel heavy and stilted.
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love is really just about paying close attention to someone else. it comes easy because you’re delighted in them, but as a result of your attention, you learn how to care for them: what makes them smile, laugh, relax, retreat, come closer. self-love unfolds the same way: when we.
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what’s crippling about shame is that it reduces your ability to make a decision—any decision—because you can never be sure if that choices emanates from the “broken” part of you.
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people mock honest self expression as “cringe” because true self expresssion has no agenda, it’s not trying to control how it’s perceived, it simply is . & for someone who feels they must always control how they’re perceived, that feels jarring & unpleasant “why can’t I do that?”.
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the most self actualized people I know are the ones who are dedicated to making their lives as fun as possible.
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many forms of “discipline” are just avoidance of difficult feelings. we think we’re doing the “hard thing” by striving and overworking and punishing ourselves, but it’s just a way to maintain some distance from our deepest fear: that without all that striving, we’re not enough.
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being performative is an attempt to control an outcome. when you notice yourself performing, ask: what do I hope will happen here? how will I feel if it does?. and then: try to give yourself access to that feeling, in the here and now, to remove the need for control.
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“I need to be more disciplined” often actually translates to “I want to subject myself to more rigorous checks & balances because I don’t trust my own intuition & instincts, and fear losing my false sense of control over my life”.
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finishing up my next essay, “how to get in touch with your body”; I’ll be sending it out tonight
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it’s useful to distinguish between being driven and being called. driven = “I have to do this or else”. called = “I want to do this more than anything else”. fear vs love
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shame will have you saying “I shouldn’t feel this way” for 32 years, without the feeling budging an inch.
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ambition is very nice but I prefer the “this would be quite beautiful to create” variety to the “if I don’t do this I’m not worthy of love” version.
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a big part of charisma is the willingness to take “social risk”—to say the vulnerable and potentially awkward thing, to try the joke that may not land, to show up with full honesty & authenticity . your capacity to take on social risk is, in turn, determined by your relationship.
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expressing your full authentic self puts you at risk for the most painful type of rejection: being rejected for who you really are. which is why that kind of expression is attractive—it demonstrates real courage . and, in turn, opens you up to the truest sense of belonging.
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courage is a side effect of knowing you’ll be okay no matter what happens. which, in turn, comes from a feeling of connectedness to yourself/others/the World.
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being "brutally honest" with yourself also means acknowledging all your strengths, desires, and innate benevolence. just being mean to yourself isn't actually more honest (or useful).
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using self-love as a pathway to enabling bold action, rather than using self-acceptance as an excuse to stay in place.
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what many of us have been lacking in our lives is someone who genuinely wants us to be powerful.
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for a long time I thought the way to become a better person was to examine each of my flaws with brutal honesty. but the thing that has actually helped me grow the most is paying attention to the parts of me that I love & find beautiful.
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shame distorts your vision. it turns a lack of motivation into an identity crisis, rather than a signal you'd rather do something else. it turns a failed project into a question of character, rather than a useful exploration. it makes every decision in your life a debate about.
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@HeidiPriebe1 beautifully put. when an organism doesn't perceive any "safe" ways to move forward, it shuts down and goes into energy-saver mode. which looks very much like depression.having no ways to express your agency that feels safe or possible naturally sends us into a depressive state.
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the gap between who you are & who you want to be. does it feel like a crisis, a threat, or a fun little project?.
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the four levels of changing a stuck behaviour pattern:. 1. unconsciously repeating the pattern.2. conscious of pattern but unable to change it.3. consciously moving to new pattern .4. unconsciously repeating new pattern. most of the work is moving from 2 -> 3.
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when you care a lot about a certain goal or ambition, you may feel resistant to taking action. that resistance arises from a fear of not yet being good enough to get what you want. instead of pushing the resistance away, welcome it & acknowledge that its fear is rooted in love.
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doomscrolling allows us to rest while also distracting us from that voice in our head that says “you should be working”. if you just lie down and stare at the ceiling, you’re going to meet that voice. and it’s not going to be very happy with you. it’s going to be pretty mad for.
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one of the most helpful frames I’ve found is to ask “what would I do if I didn’t have this problem”. like if you imagine the version of you who has “finished” doing inner work/healing/self-improving… what would that version of you be doing on a day to day basis?.
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if your creative process requires that you sustain never-before-seen levels of discipline & energy from here on out, then it’s not “your” process—it belongs to a fantasy version of you.
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