#1 samir
@samir
Followers
33,465
Following
3,567
Media
3,750
Statuses
21,022
I'm an account on the internet. also @zillowgonewild and @kalesalad and celebrity home shopping
New York City
Joined February 2010
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Pinned Tweet
hey I released a blank song that will play 1st so that *one* song won’t play every time u plug ur phone into ur car
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[at the gates of Hell]
Me: [swipes card to enter]
Satan: it's a chip
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hey I released a blank song that will play 1st so that *one* song won’t play every time u plug ur phone into ur car
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horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
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netflix 2015: r u still watching?
netflix 2023: r u still at ur parents house?
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the only good thing that has ever happened is people using snapchat filters on people on tv
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the simple truth is none of this is real and we all died 4 years ago
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Penn Badgley is the first thing that would come to mind if you are trying to think of a fake name to give to a front desk security guard
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It’s insane to me that this is in Los Angeles and they didn’t consult with any Persians before naming it
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Bounty is engaging in some type of mathematical psychological warfare game
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I hope to some day care about someone half as much as Donald Trump cares about Robert Pattinson
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The creator of the Gilmore Girls would like you all to know it's pronounced Jilmore Girls
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after cancelling student loan debt the gov needs to make iced coffee free
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Alicia Keyes playing two pianos at once and here I am choking on food every time I eat
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Thank you Usher for normalizing how much a normal person would sweat during a halftime Super Bowl performance
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In case you weren't on twitter the past couple of hours you missed the epic conversation
http://t.co/C5tnNR6DGm
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If Oprah cries when you speak you automatically get to go to heaven.
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When u died bc Zayn left 1D but then hear that he is going to start his solo career
http://t.co/ncH62kc5mo
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In honor of the 20 year anniversary of the Seinfeld finale, I wrote a book that summarizes the plot of every episode from the entire series
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The order of time according to Facebook:
2 minutes ago
9 hours ago
7 minutes ago
1937
4 hours ago
now
26 hours ago
1 minute ago
2 hours ago
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Congrats to Sam Smith, the most talented child from Will and Jada's family
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911: whats ur emergency
me: someone stabbed me lol
911: omg lol
me: lol i knowwww
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Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
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[2050]
grandson: grandpa, tell us what 2016 was like?
me: we spent the entire year juggling music services to not pay for music
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I wish Netflix would automatically turn the volume up when I am crunching into a chip.
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We should roast
@justinbieber
once a year, make it a national holiday, close schools, cancel work. we need this
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2020 total election votes so far: 139,817,274
Calories I’ve eaten in the past 48 hours: 197,513,872
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"My father was a loser who sat on twitter all day"
- Every candidate in the 2040 debate
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When twitter goes down, meet me at the bagel tree to discuss our next move
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This is actually just cardboard cutout of Eli he is at home doing laundry
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Should I get an iPhone 6, a 6 Plus, or eat for the next six months
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Today is Kanye West's 38th birthday, or January 1, 0038 according to his calendar.
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Between Missy Elliott and Paul McCartney — it’s going to be tough to decide who should win the Grammy this year for Best New Artist.
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This app would like to:
Have offline access
See ur contact list
Hold your hand
Kiss you on the neck
Start a family with u
Get old together
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1K
Just completed a 1-minute no carb challenge. Didn’t eat any carbs in the last 60 seconds. This is going to be a great year.
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There’s an account on tiktok and all they do is review celebrity homes and it’s amazing
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If I am elected President the first thing I do in office is get the code for the wifiiiii
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What if Instagram was secretly created by our moms to make sure we are eating every day
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I wish we could go back to the days where the worst thing in the United States were really loud Sunchips bags
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Never invite Taylor Swift over to Netflix & Chill because she always tells her annoying celebrity friends to come over too
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justin: should i wear this hoodie tonight
her: *nods head yes, but wants to say no*
justin: what do u mean?
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ed sheeran's vampire weekend's
a-team a punk
🤝
turn on every time you get into
your car
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If I was a referee 50% of the time I’d have to apologize bc I wasn’t paying attention
5
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Some things that taste better than skinny feels:
- Pizza
- Hamburgers
- Burritos
- Quesadillas
- Fried chicken
- Ice cream
- Tacos
- Cookies
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every time j lo and ben affleck kiss in public the aliens renew earth for another season
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John Lennon is stuck in purgatory and Yoko knows how to get him out but can only communicate to him via twitter
http://t.co/ofad6Kr4AV
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Today is Kanye West's 37th birthday, or January 1, 0037 according to his calendar.
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Meek would have posted the track earlier but he didn't know the code for the wiiffiiiiiiii
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Netflix should let you download up to 3 hours of content during a pre-emergency situation incase the Internet goes out.
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Just arrived at Sochi, I could have sworn my hotel room looked different online
http://t.co/pDGXy90ch3
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Hummus is a gateway food to eating everything else in your refrigerator
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[MUSIC BLASTING]
kanye: HEY KIM WHAT SHOULD I NAME THE NEW ALBUM
kim: [waves to kanye]
kanye: WAVES IT IS
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Imagine thinking you've found "the one" and then you see they spell it "doughnut"
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