ppigg
@s4m31p4n
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Following
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Remember when Facebook had a “it’s complicated” option so you could tell your friends family and acquaintances your relationship was fucked up.
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*nurse looks you up and down* yeah Johnson & Johnson for this one.
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No babe I love when you say a bunch of shit that doesn’t make any sense.
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(at hospital) your baby’s name must contain uppercase and lowercase letters and at least one number and special character.
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Talking to an older woman is fun until its like wait why are you single at 25 😭.
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Remember not to drunk drive on the Fourth of July unless you have somewhere you need to go or if you just want to.
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I like how in that Olivia Rodrigo song she’s like I can’t believe you ate ice cream and listened to music with another girl that was our thing you fucking asshole.
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Saw a guy jerking off on the train not in a perverted way but in an Italian way.
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Do you ever just have this deep seated desire to bother people. I have clown blood.
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Everyone’s always like what’re you doing for thanksgiving??? Uhh eating with my family? What is this spring break.
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Every smoke shop has the most insane expensive Rick and Morty bong you’ve ever seen.
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If your girlfriend has more followers than you you have to take her last name if you get married.
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Employment.
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Asking people to pay you back is worse than 9/11 and pearl harbor combined.
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CIA interrogator: is kamala brat, answer me . Me: *spitting blood* Fuck you.
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Hey do you wanna hang out later and distract each other from how horrifying everything is.
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I have to buy a weird beverage from the grocery store every day or else I will die.
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It’s beautiful how there are millions of jobs out there and I don’t want to do any of them.
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Remember not to drunk drive on thanksgiving unless you have somewhere you need to go or if you just want to.
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In the submarine article I read an expert was like they’re either at the bottom of the ocean, the top of the ocean, or somewhere in between.
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Girls need boyfriends because they show them movies. Otherwise they’d never watch any.
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(flirting) I wish the 600 tweets I could see a day could all be yours.
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Weedcels be like holup I need to make myself really tired and scared and antisocial before we go.
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Being under 6’3.
What is the scariest illness or genetic disease that humans can get?
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Take a girl on a date and park as far away as possible just to see what she says.
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Hey remember when you completely ruined it with the only girl who will ever love you.
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Bro your relationship with your friend is borderline homosexual and I think that’s beautiful.
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