Rusty Featherstone
@rustyfeathers
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23,232
Following
106
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13
Statuses
119
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I’ve seen more boobs on the internet in one sitting than my grandpa has seen in his whole life
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Christmas morning stats:
Presents: 7
Mimosas: 5
Texts to her: 2.5
Times I’ve listened to heavy metal: 1
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My dream girl:
1. Owns a cookbook
2. Doesn’t follow it
3. Has a big butt
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I’m the Michael Jordan of missing my high school girlfriend
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Going for the family record of wine drank at dinner tonight. All red. No brakes.
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The ball’s been in her court for a couple years now
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You guys eat your chipotle left to right or right to left?
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I have the body of a man whose wife fucks her pilates instructor to counting crows song’s
(I’m thinking about getting in shape this year.)
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My type:
1. Hates every fiber of my being
2. Is kinda tan
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If I’m drinking and I can see my reflection you’re have 0% of my attention
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Giving up small titty goth girls for lent… just kidding can you imagine?
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Fellas… how we feeling about calling girls a “little rascal” in bed?
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I’m addicted to missing the toilet for the first 3 seconds
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No one in this Arby’s knows I’m not wearing underwear
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Just rizzed the tits off myself walking past the mirror
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I wish Upside Down by Jack Johnson was 30 minutes long
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Dibs on being the most scared and paranoid tonight
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6 AM Uber BLASTING maroon 5 is actually a waking nightmare
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I think those 3 bottles of wine went bad I don’t feel so well
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If being sad was a bicycle race, I’m Lance Armstrong and the trophy is made of my tears.
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Mirrors make no sense. Oh yeah for sure sand shows me what’s happening in my life.
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Don’t let their coarse hands and kind eyes fool you, the construction workers on my walk home only want one thing and it’s fucking disgusting.
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Just solved a Rubik’s cube while your mother watched.
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Thinking about texting her a meme to break the ice
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Left class 7 minutes ago. They’re probably all talking about how I’m definitely pooping rn.
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Pulled into her house with the drum solo from Phil Collins’ in the air tonight playing
(She knows I mean business)
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This pee has been going so long I’m worried people thing it’s a quick poop
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On my knees crying in the living room to the iCarly scene when Spencer brings her asthma inhaler even though she doesn’t need it.
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Haven’t decided whose personality I’m copying this week. I’m lost.
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Going to use the bathroom real quick, if you don’t hear me screaming in agony after 5 min come check on me
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Mikey with the sixerrrr
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Bezos this, Zuckerberg that… Call me when you have two temperpedic mattresses stacked on top of each other money 🥱
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Everyone’s girl is loyal until the dude who can solve a Rubik’s Cube starts showing off
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Hellen Keller’s PR team is all time… No chance those frauds convinced y’all she flew a plane
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Strengths: Slanging this wood in my pants
Weaknesses: Algebra
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Arctic Chill hard seltzer tastes like clean laundry and not in a good way
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Fuck chicken gimme that ass some henny and a few Benjamins
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The more things change the more Steph’s house stays the same
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