I can tell you exactly what shellfish I've ever eaten without having to think about it, thanks to my mussel memory #LunchPun

Don't judge me for being an arms manufacturer. Why not pick on the guy who produces the shop mannekins' legs instead? #LunchPun

Hear more from "Hedda" composer Hildur Guðnadóttir on creating the score for the main dance number of the film, featuring lyrics written by director Nia DaCosta. Guðnadóttir ultimately extrapolated it out into what would become the main instrumental love theme. ⁠ ⁠ Craft

- The organisers can't decide if I qualify for the dancing competition or not - You're in limbo? - No, tap #LunchPun

Told my wife about the shoe sale and she ran for the heels. #LunchPun

I've recently contracted double-denim syndrome... The Doctor says it's not looking good... #LunchPun

- Me and my comedian friend are as popular as The Two Ronnies - Barker and Corbett? - No, Biggs and Kray #LunchPun

To the ridiculous people that monitor the duration of their toilet visits: It's your own waste you're timing. #LunchPun

Adam: This image I made of you becoming a brothel keeper has gone viral. - Hey, cool meme, Adam. - Sorry, this image I made of you becoming a Madam has gone viral. #LunchPun

Man with a rosette outside the village hall asked me if I was going to vote for him. I said "No ! You have to do it yourself. Lazy. " #LunchPun

....so Fred Flintstone came barging in, shouted 'YABADAB', and then just left without any further ado.... #LunchPun

My first job was in a supermarket - I was shelf-employed. #LunchPun

Are Wall's a big supporter of Banksy's? #LunchPun

I’m getting a reversible jacket for #Christmas I’m excited to see how it turns out…. #LunchPun

The highways department at our local council are due to discuss the protection of frogs at their next Kermity meeting. #LunchPun

Just got an invite for tea from the Dark Lord Sauron in Middle Earth... It says 'C'mon round, Mordor is always open!'. #LunchPun

Farmer: "Why didn't you join our protest, dumping manure outside Downing Street?" Me: "I couldn't give a shit" #LunchPun

Nothing scarier than a sedan ride. It's a chair raising experience. #LunchPun

During the war, my Nan broke up with her Spitfire pilot boyfriend as he kept telling her to put her chocs away. #Lunchpun

I'm getting used to the idea of my girlfriend leaving me - she said, because of my mobility issues and the lack of sex - although it's true, I thought I'd maybe never be able to get over her #LunchPun

My shows in @leicscomedyfest 2026: 1. Herr Strack and Hair Pulsford (2-hander) 2. Yorkshire Dad, Immigrant Mum (solo) 3. It Just So Happened (history, panel show) 4. Ye Gods! (improv) 5. The Short Joke Teller Returns (1-liners) Deets/tickets via Linktree: https://t.co/E4T1sydBKf