He makes me feel beautiful and loved yet hideous and undesirable at the same time :/ will there ever be a time where I won't feel so disgusted?

• Monster: The Ed Gein Story. POV: Me every time I go to Bunnings.

scared

How am I supposed to be proud of the person I've chosen as my other half?

the quicker he wants me to 'get over' this, the quicker he must make a change. the proof in the pudding is in the eating.

Half of my life. If he truly doesn't want to lose me. Will be become what he promises he will? Or is that just another lie?

He is good to me in many ways - but is it all just for show? Is HE worth working through this to actually create something together? Does he truly want to achieve that? Or is he out to play with my sanity. I don't know what will happen if he does this again.

Will I ever feel what it's like to be truly in love and release all control to someone else, in perfect love and perfect trust? Will I ever find someone who does truly align and RESPECT my morals and philosophies?

I do love him. But why? Is it real or does it come from somewhere else? is the fact that we've known each other so long, enough to sustain that? What have I done to him to deserve being victimised by his perversion other than just exist as I am?

and now I feel like everything he does is from a place of making up for what he's done, rather than from a place that's genuine. Otherwise he would have been doing those things to begin with, and not now that he's been caught being something despicable.

I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of being in a constant state of paranoia and panic, I'm tired of feeling disgusted. How do I get away from this? How do I trust him again? The things he's said and posted online contradict what he says to my face.

How am I supposed to know and trust that he's not fucking around again and just hiding it better :/ could have deleted the accounts I found only to make a new one. How am I supposed to know :(

If you still talk to people you used to fuck, you're a loser

Will end it all one of these days.

I wish he really did love me. I wish I really was the only girl in the world. I wish I really was truly beautiful, and that I'd be the only girl he'd satisfy himself for. That reality is not possible in the world we're in. I cry everyday for the person I was before I found out...

• Carrie (2013) is shit and you cannot change my mind.

• Carrie (1976): That feeling right before everything turns to shit.

• Sleepy Hollow. Pictured: where I post from.

• Terrifier 3. Pictured: me and my boyfriend.

• Malignant; How I Met Your Mother. POV: What I do to the people that flirt with him.

• Saw 1; I wonder how long it'd take irl dudes to cut off their ankle if you chained them up... POV: Men when they have an ingrown toenail.