muhammad ali: float like a butterfly jellyfish: done muhammad ali: sting like a bee jellyfish: i am nailing this

exec: so she fucks the bee creator: haha what no not at all exec: creator: *under breath* she definitely thinks about it tho

crazy how ur appendix is just like i simply do not vibe with u anymore

hey remember when shrek used his giant green hands to take the helmet off his giant green head and fiona was shocked to find out he was an ogre

bartender: can i tell u about this IPA me: i’m a 26 year old white male bartender: [nervous] c-can u tell me about this IPA

me: eat this food baby: never me: the food is now an airplane baby: “never” was a strong word

coors: our beer is different. it’s cold me: the other beers are cold too coors: how can u be sure me: they’re in refrigerators coors: yet their cans have remained the same color. seems very suspicious

[outside a cage the elephant show] |￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣| | FREE HIM | |＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿| \ (•_•) / \ / --- | |

billy joel: she’s an uptown girl me: where has she been living billy joel: ur not gonna believe this

some guy a long time ago: it’s my birthday friends: nice. what if we all sang u a song about it while we all stare at u guy: i would hate it friends: oh ya we would too guy: perfect. let’s do that forever

how was “philosopher” ever a job lmao like was socrates sippin wine on a balcony somewhere drunkenly slurring shit like “to find urself, think for urself” with a crowd cheering underneath him like fuck yes socrates another banger this man will not miss

rose: yes, i was on the titanic guy: great. where is this diamond rose: first i will tell u about this boy guy: no can u just tell us- rose: best sex of my life. easily.

simba: my uncle murdered my dad pumbaa: sheesh simba: then he blamed me for it timon: yikes. have u tried just not fucken worrying about it lmao

penis historian twitter has come out in full force for this one

guy: it’s beautiful. quick question tho why did u make his dick so small michelangelo: it’s not small lol guy: michelangelo: [nervous] wait is it small

me: wow it smells like upmandoyouneedahug in here lol coworker: what me: [tearing up] nothing

greek architect: u know what would make this building fucken slap assistant: architect: assistant: are u gonna say p- architect: [nods] pillars. like, a hundred fucken pillars

congress: many of u are saying ur taxes should be “easy” to file. for this issue we will now ask the experts turbotax: no congress: the experts have spoken