I can't really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.

Everybody you meet is fighting a battle you don't know about. Attack them. Now they're fighting two battles.

If this year hasn’t sucked enough, we now have to get ready for people putting those antlers on their cars.

Mosquitos are the only ones who think I'm a snack.

My wife complains that I treat her like a child. Haha kids these days !

sometimes i rehearse fake arguments in the shower and still lose

I've walked the girl I like home from work four weekends in a row like any gentlemen should to protect her from creeps. This weekend I am finally going to introduce myself to her.

What would be a horrible song to play at a funeral? 🎵🎶

Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worcestershire sauce?

I probably shouldn't have told the IRS that I'd pay them under the table.

Your honor, if it pleases the court I'd like to turn on some music. The vibe is off in here.

My gut is never wrong. It may hang over my pants a little, but it knows.

What's better than having a child? Nieces and nephews. They're returnable.

Maybe I do know the muffin Man, you don't know.

Tell me why does walmart think I wanna put up my christmas tree and eat turkey in my halloween costume

Not saying I’m old but I remember when we had to wait two weeks to see if our photos came out good.

I'm surprised kids haven't found a way to trick or treat online yet.

My favorite part of cooking breakfast is when DoorDash shows up.

At what age do we start meeting up for bingo?

Buying groceries with no food stamps should boost your credit score

"Stop making me laugh I'm gonna pee in my pants!" hits different when you're over 40