pourmecoffee
@pourmecoffee
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Santos votes for McCarthy, "who fought by my side on D-Day at Normandy."
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Just In: Mike Pence no longer allowed to have dinner with Ted Cruz alone.
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Me: I am feeling a little anxious these days.
World: Here, have a nuclear standoff between two insecure, petulant egomaniacs.
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About this time in his first term, this is how our previous president spoke
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@realDonaldTrump
Correct. Making allegations without evidence is the literal definition of McCarthyism.
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Everyone pause to give a slow clap for Stephen Miller, strategic genius, giving court reason to strike down White House travel ban.
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@HowardSchultz
Literally just get up tomorrow morning and match Bill Gates contributions to vaccines and you'll do more for the world than this entire vanity project.
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Something to think about, kids. Now go wash up for supper.
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Just randomly thought about Rodney Dangerfield at the Eternal Sunshine premiere.
Cherish your fondest memories.
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@DineshDSouza
@tedcruz
Not gonna lie, I find myself very persuaded by your "Ted Cruz is useless" argument.
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I didn't even know they did colonoscopies.
Howie Mandel fainted at Starbucks because he was dehydrated from a colonoscopy
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Fox News enabled then fired under pressure Roger Ailes and Bill O'Reilly and after all that Sean Hannity sits in that house and leads a discussion on how women lie about harassment. What a foul corporate sewer it is.
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@APStylebook
The Poor, The Mentally Ill and The French was my Booker prize winning novel of alienation, transition, and, triumph.
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If you look at Obama's press conference six days after the election, it's like he knew all this was going to happen
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Congratulations to evangelicals now in the "what is the big deal about conspiring to pay porn stars and playmates in the runup to an election to keep quiet about serial infidelity, then failing to report it and constantly lying about it" corner.
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Top Chefs Can Kiss My Ass
Top chefs say you shouldn't grill these foods. Yes, the list includes burgers
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Crowds gather in Boston to protest Alan Dershowtiz's treatment on Martha's Vineyard.
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Crazy story: people learned of large, complex problem, took it seriously, devoted resources, collectively solved it
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Imagine if you will, arguing to finish, stop, and redo the count all at the same time.
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@brithume
Just like when Obama wore a bicycle helmet riding with his kids. You got 'em, Brit! Great stuff.
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Sam Nunberg just called into QVC's Shopping With Jane to say if Mueller wants a piece of him he knows where to find him.
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THE WHITE HOUSE
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Statement by the President
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Imagine how much angrier Trump would be if he could read.
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Who has two thumbs, five deferments, three marriages, six business bankruptcies and two impeachments? This guy.
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I wonder what it would cost to fly a plane carrying a banner with the popular vote tally around Trump Tower all day.
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@realDonaldTrump
Maybe put a spacer tweet in between calling the media The Enemy of the People and being the champion of Freedom of Speech. Just an idea.
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"Drone reveals "Lenin” spelled with decades-old pine trees in Siberian forest"
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Pretty sure 13 Hardened Democrats was a Stormy Daniels video.
Why does the Mueller team have 13 hardened Democrats, some big Crooked Hillary supporters, and Zero Republicans? Another Dem recently added...does anyone think this is fair? And yet, there is NO COLLUSION!
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I hope 2016 doesn't get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
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Happy birthday to Paul Ryan, who turns 47 years old today -- an amazingly inspirational achievement for someone without a spine.
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@realDonaldTrump
Ragetweeting at 7am from the White House about how, like, really smart you are may not be the best strategy for allaying concerns about your mental health.
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This is the only nice exchange I've read on Twitter in 2016
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My god, this shot of Rohingya refugees watching their houses burn across the border in Myanmar (Masfiqur Sohan/NurPhoto)
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@realDonaldTrump
If only there were some kind of official documents that served as a trusted record of your finances to release.
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@realDonaldTrump
If you find yourself score-settling with widows, ask your doctor if being president is right for you.
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When you are Rex Tillerson checking Twitter.
"Ha ha, that dog is hiding under that other dog, how absolutely adorable oh I'm fired."
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"You ignorant fools, soon you will all be thanking me!" will do wonders to turn around the super-villain perception.
Comey lost the confidence of almost everyone in Washington, Republican and Democrat alike. When things calm down, they will be thanking me!
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Donald J. Trump Announces Power Crisis Solved With Agreement To Plug Cord Back In
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The President is fine and steadily improving. Purely as a precautionary measure, he was been given a full body transfusion of Rocky Mountain bat blood which he tolerated extremely well and has even developed some primitive echolocation.
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Good morning. Your Republican nominee has been up all night rage-tweeting.
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World Leaders Gather To Discuss Why John Podesta Didn't Give DNC Servers To FBI
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"Who are the last three persons on Earth you'd want advising you on a crisis with women, Alex?"
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"Crowd Of Giant Crabs Decides To Crash Family's Picnic"
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** Screaming as everyone realizes Ivanka is piloting Air Force One **
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Can't wait for Trump to explain the eclipse. "The sun is not actually turned off. It's behind the moon. Most people don't know that."
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On
#NationalDogDay
, never forget that Donald Trump thinks for some reason that dogs get fired.
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@realDonaldTrump
I am going to politely ask that you not use ellipses on nuclear arsenal tweets.
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Good morning.
Amateur photographer Phoo Chan caught a crow riding a bald eagle, an omen of unclear meaning
http://t.co/ZtYB9Fmzhq
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I really wish Star Trek hadn't skipped over the part about how Earth became a peaceful planet. That seems like useful information right now.
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@Scaramucci
Despacito
Quiero respirar tu cuello despacito
Deja que te diga cosas al oído
Para que te acuerdes si no estás conmigoitter - Robert Frost
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He would have turned 77 today. Seek every day to follow his teachings and walk his path.
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@realDonaldTrump
You should start your own White House station that reports only positive stories with patriotic music.
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"Do you expect me to fly?"
"No, Mr. Eagle. I expect you to *die*."
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@realDonaldTrump
Perhaps you should have some kind of system where maybe you put them on hold and while someone looks them up in Wikipedia.
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Born on this day in 1757: Alexander Hamilton, famous rapper.
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Say a prayer for the fact-checkers tonight, for their burden will be great.
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This guy is president now and it turned out pretty much exactly like you'd expect.
It makes me feel so good to hit "sleazebags" back -- much better than seeing a psychiatrist (which I never have!)
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Someone said "for all intensive purposes" in my presence. It's called chillpower and my 2019 will be full of it.
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The military could have told Trump they were bringing dozens of the new invisible tanks.
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I hope you will enjoy this in-frame vegetation I am told is soothing to your species.
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Breaking: 70-year-old man with unbroken string of consistent behavior will not change when granted unimaginable power.
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"... and I'm giving it to a guy who doesn't even want it!"
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Can't stop looking at this photo of the Pope talking to ISS astronauts.
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Outrageous! What a backwards country.
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You are the Senior Advisor to the President working out of a White House office. TRY HARDER.
Ivanka Trump says she tries "to stay out of politics" in new interview
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