Paul Rust
@paulrust
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Just imagine if it had been Chris Rock telling a joke onstage and instead it was Will Smith who hit him.
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Leonard Cohen finishes writing “Hallelujah,” stands up from the piano, calls a close friend on the phone and says “I think I’ve just written the perfect song for the sad montage in Shrek.”
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It always blows my mind to find out the real ages of the “Full House” cast members while they were making their show.
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I heard a rumor that Ronald McDonald got his McRib removed so he could suck his own McDick.
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I wish everyone on earth had a Wikipedia-like page that told you why they were that way.
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Forget The New Yorker fest with Steve Bannon. I want a New YOGURT fest with Steve DANNON.
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The Wikipedia page for the Mr. Bean movie was last edited 4 hours ago.
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So let me get this straight. They can put a man on the moon but they can’t invent a saddle that changes color when the horse is happy?
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“I voted.” - Bob Saget on election day
“I V.O. Ted.” - Bob Saget discussing his voice-over work for the character Ted on “How I Met Your Mother”
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“We’ve actually met before. Remember when you dated that single mom? I was the voice of her funny baby.”
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Just found out Jason Momoa was raised in Iowa. Him, John Wayne, Ashton Kutcher, me. The only thing Iowa grows more than corn is STUDS.
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Letterman pioneered a style of comedy that gave us 30+ years of nightly entertainment and influenced everything we find funny today. But I guess that’s just too basic for the guy who sings along to songs on his car radio with Ed Sheeran.
“When I took the job, my frames of reference were like Fallon doing lip-sync battles, Kimmel [doing] mean tweets and Letterman… doing like stupid pet tricks and I was like, ‘Yeah, I can do this.’” But recent events have made it more of a challenge.
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I asked this guy selling beeswax what he’s been up to and he told me it was none of my business.
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You sneeze once? I got a “God bless you” for ya.
Sneeze twice? You KNOW I’m pulling out a “gesundheit.”
But three sneezes? Sorry buddy I’m out of material.
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It’s tough enough to do a “walk of shame” but it’s really tough when it’s through Disneyland.
(I fucked Goofy)
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At the first Thanksgiving, do you think any pilgrims ate so much they had to loosen the buckle on their hats?
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psssst hey grownups pretty cool that we don’t have to go back to school huh?
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I can’t believe it’s been over 6 months since I murdered Jeffrey Epstein in jail.
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I wonder if the movie PARASITE will be upset the Oscars have no HOST.
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Many deep conversations had in college while a DVD menu screen replayed the same 30 second music.
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When I first moved to LA, I was at a house party and saw Bill Pullman’s phone number on paper so I put it in my phone (like a real lil shit!)
2 years later I was at a grocery store and saw Bill Pullman so I called the number and he picked up and I hung up (like a real lil shit!)
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“Perfect Strangers” is the only tv show that, if it ever was rebooted, I could play both lead roles.
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Today is the 27th anniversary of me entering my 4th grade classroom & all my classmates running up to me with the exciting news of “There’s a secret valentine on your desk!” & inside the envelope was a handwritten letter from a mom asking me if I’d see Wayne’s World with her son.
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Coen Bros ranked
1. 🤰👮♀️
2. 💈
3. 🤼♂️🎞
4. 🚫🇺🇸👴🏻
5. 🎳
6. 💉🤤
7. 👶
8. ⭕️
9. ✝️ 🎞
10. ✡️🌪
11. 🔥 📖
12. 🎼🗽
13. 🌬 🎩
14. ⚖️ 💔
15. 🤠🐴
16. 👨👩👧👧 ❓
17. The Ladykillers
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When I first moved to LA, my friends and I went to a taping of “America’s Funniest Videos” and we had a blast being the amped up AFV audience members that we grew up with.
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So I draw a pentagram on the floor ok?
AS A JOKE!
And I read The Bible backwards alright?
AS A GOOF!
And for everyone wondering “Did he use rooster blood to draw the pentagram?” Yes.
FOR FUNNY’S SAKE!
Well I dunno how to say this but...
THERE’S A DEVIL IN MY LIVING ROOM!
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Beto calls me up. Middle of the night.
“Is AOC cooler than me?”
I take too long to answer and we both feel it.
“So that’s a big yes” he says.
I don’t deny it but offer this:
“There can be more than one star in the sky.”
Click. Uh-oh did I piss off our generation’s Camelot?
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Sorry Shania Twain but when I met Brad Pitt that DID impress me much
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I thought I saw a butterfly but it turned out to be a leaf. I’m such a dumb piece of shit.
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Dave: “And they can sing! One is named Simon, another is named Theodore and—“
Concerned friend: “I don’t understand, you’re managing their music career?”
Dave: “Exactly! But I’m also their dad. The last one is named Alvin.”
Concerned friend: “Dave?”
Dave: “He’s the rebel.”
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At the first Thanksgiving, do you think any pilgrims ate so much they had to loosen the buckle on their hats?
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So sad how Britney is being exploited by others for profit. Please listen to my daily podcast about it!
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Beto calls me up.
“It finally hit me I lost.”
I tell him everything’s going to be ok.
I tell him how I worked through the failure of “I Love You Beth Cooper”
Beto says “Yeah but I can rewatch that & laugh every time Paul”
So our generation’s Kennedy thinks I’m funny. Not bad
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My daughter is only 3 months old but she just asked me “Daddy, why must man wage war?” I wish our world leaders asked the same question!
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Will I understand “Nancy Drew” if I haven’t read “Nancy Draws?”
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If I had to pick my personal Mount Rushmore of The Beatles, I’d probably go with John, Paul, George and Ringo.
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At the first Thanksgiving, do you think any pilgrims ate so much they had to loosen the buckle on their hats?
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At the first Thanksgiving, do you think any pilgrims ate so much they had to loosen the buckle on their hats?
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Did you hear about that standup comedian who accidentally fell off the parallel bars a second time?
Yup! It was a real GYM GAFFE AGAIN!
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This guy is supposed to be a genius but is too dumb to realize she gave him a 555 phone number.
GOOD WILL HUNTING (1997)
Cinematography by Jean-Yves Escoffier
Directed by Gus Van Sant
Explore more shots in our database:
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Three former Democratic presidents are still alive but only one former Republican president.
Life lesson?
SMOKE THAT HERB!
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Some people expand their minds with Ayahuasca…
I expand MY mind with “Iowa Ska.”
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Last night I was watching an episode of “FRIENDS” and on a table at Central Perk someone accidentally left out a severed head and sword.
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Top 12 highest-grossing movies
1988 vs 2018
(the only sequel in 1988 was “Crocodile Dundee 2”)
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Remember when McDonalds burnt an old woman with hot coffee and everyone took the side of a corporation?
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My high school once held an assembly for a guest speaker...
who could play both sides of a volleyball game by himself alone.
And then he tacked on some anti-drug message at the end like it pertained to fuck anything.
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“More like a GOLDEN Globe.” - person looking at a Golden Globe who thinks it’s called a Dolden Globe
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Help! I’m having one of those “tip of my tongue” experiences...
Anybody remember the movie about a teenager who travels thru time (maybe to the 50s??) & has to make his parents fall in love?
I believe it was followed by “Back to the Future Part 2” & “Back to the Future Part 3.”
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At the first Thanksgiving, do you think any pilgrims ate so much they had to loosen the buckle on their hats?
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Facebook is like that one friend you really had fun times with at first and then later you found out they knew about Russian meddling before the 2016 election and didn’t tell anyone.
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Grown adults continuing to do an empty gesture of respect even when others tell them it’s unnecessary? THAT’S Catholicism baby!
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When I was a kid, I was like “I wonder if pepper really makes you sneeze” so I put pepper in my nose and guess what? I sneezed for 40 minutes and it was a living nightmare.
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once at a church talent show a dozen folks dressed up in elaborate california raisins costumes & came out onstage to “I heard it through the grapevine” & the crowd went super crazy but then for the rest of the song the raisins just walked around in a circle & it got old real fast
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I hate the smug confidence that a returning Jeopardy contestant has with Alex Trebek.
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I just opened a closet packed with junk & it all came pouring out & buried me in a pile & then I popped out my head cuz it oughta be safe right? Wrong! One last basketball bounced out & hit me between the eyes.
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At age 7, I first saw “The Shining” the way Stanley Kubrick always intended — on the USA Network with commercials and edited for content.
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I remember my mother watching the end credits of “Beetlejuice” with me and explaining what the jobs were because she knew how much I loved movies. What a cool mom!
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Imagine how poorly your parents must’ve raised you if your fragile sense of safety and security could only be provided by some fence hundreds of miles away.
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Imagine growing up in the 1980s and absolutely loving it and then finding out most folks consider it a cultural lowpoint of the 20th century.
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I’m spending my Thanksgiving week at this island resort, but just now the “head chef” came by my hot tub and started slicing carrots into the water and shaking salt on my shoulders. Ummm I want to eat room service, I don’t want to BE room service, ok buddy?
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I bet things got really confusing on the set of “Vanilla Sky.”
“Hey Cameron.”
“Yes?”
“Sorry I meant Diaz. Not Crowe.”
“Hey Cruise.”
“What’s up?”
“Sorry I meant Tom. Not Penelope.”
Can you imagine?!!
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Howdy! The third & final season of
@LOVE
returns to
@Netflix
this Friday March 9th!
Seasons 1 & 2 now streaming to watch or rewatch.
Until then I’m gonna post one tidbit per episode til the premiere to whet your appetites/clog up your timeline & make u hate me.
#LoveOnNetflix
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Earliest memory is hearing Billy Joel’s “The Longest Time” play on the radio in the kitchen & calling out to my mom in the bathroom: “It’s on! It’s on!” (I was 31 years old)
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Got stuck in a revolving door today.
Wouldn’t have been so bad but there was a mosquito trapped inside there with me.
I was hoping that’d be the worst of it but nope...
The mosquito stung my eyes and penis.
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What’s up with that moon that shows up in the sky during daylight?
You never see the sun pulling that shit at night.
Uhhhh hey moon starved for attention much?
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After I graduated from Gatorade University my classmates dumped a football coach on my head.
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I’ve heard of a “backpack” but a “BARK-pack?!” Now I feel like I’ve heard everything now I think!
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She caught me on the counter (It was fake news)
Saw me bangin' on the sofa (It was fake news)
I even had her in the shower (It was fake news)
She even caught me on camera (It was fake news)
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The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
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Oh no. Does this mean I have to continue disliking Barbra Streisand’s music?
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About a decade ago in New York I did a comedy bit as Thom Yorke singing “Fake Plastic Trees” in front of Simpsons porn and it was the hardest I ever bombed.
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There once was a man who each week
Played a boy who lived by a creek
It’s just a fact sir
He’s a great actor
Let’s hear it for James Van Der Beek!
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At the first Thanksgiving, do you think any pilgrims ate so much they had to loosen the buckle on their hats?
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before social media we used to look at our reflections in the river and scream “eat shit” at ourselves
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Last night for the first time my daughter farted and laughed. So begins a lifelong journey of joy and discovery.
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I actually had a surgery to add MORE ribs to my body so I couldn’t suck my own D.
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James Corden is our George Harrison, somehow managing to get cooler and cooler with every passing year.
James Corden, Camila Cabello, Billy Porter and Idina Menzel stopped traffic in LA for a flash mob with a cover of Jennifer Lopez’s “Let’s Get Loud” to promote
#CinderellaMovie
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I saw this windshield shade in Kansas City when I was 9 years old and lost my goddamn mind.
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Every music lover agrees that the most PUNK ROCK lyric ever written was Blink 182’s “surprises let me know she cares!”
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TRUE STORY. The star of “Rosemary’s Baby” couldn’t believe she was once an Egyptian ruler.
“Me? A pharaoh?”
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A real thrill and joy for me to be on tonight’s 99 in the Class of ‘99!
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My friend: “The newspaper says there was a breakout at the zoo.”
Me (covered head-to-toe in animal footprints): “Ummm yeah I KNOW.”
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I get a text from Beto “Call me. Need to talk”
Classic Beto. Always a drama but hey this guy could be the next Kennedy so I call
First thing he says “Me & my family were just watching your online videos & dying laughing”
Thanks Beto. But next time? Chill it with “need to talk”
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I’ve watched more minutes of “The Office” in gif form on Twitter than in episodes on TV.
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