Guy who is reaping the consequences of a series of completely avoidable bad decisions: “Everything happens for a reason 😤”

Boomer biographies be like “at the age of 21 he dropped out of college to become a ski instructor in Oregon. He later enrolled at Harvard Business School and founded the world’s largest shipping conglomerate from his dorm room.”

People thought I was making this up

I bring a sort of “might get kidnapped trying to buy drugs from the locals” vibe to bachelor parties that my friends’ fiancées don’t really like

Wearing 5 inch inseams today. When you train legs they let you do it. You can do anything.

Guy who makes $150k and wears a Loro Piana hat

“We found her. The new face of Bud Light. Someone who can really represent the brand and relate to our target customers.”

Not many people have what it takes to handle the aux cord in a crowded uber on the way to the venue. I’ve seen a lot of good men fold under the pressure to deliver a banger.

“No, I haven’t seen that movie. I have read the book though”

If cocaine were legal there would be a trendy DTC brand called Blow using pastel-colored minimalist packaging and sans serif font

Restaurants be like “hmm we have 17 open tables, why don’t we wedge you into this corner uncomfortably close to the only other people here”

If you’re on a first date with a girl, you can be assured that she’s already found your Linkedin, your ex-girlfriend’s Instagram, your high school basketball stats, your parents’ house on Zillow, and your dad’s salary in an SEC filing

Your friend group is elite if you have a favorite local watering hole that's purposely anti-trendy, which you started patronizing as a bit but now frequent with genuine enthusiasm. Extra points if it doesn't exist on Yelp and no other patrons are close to you in age.

Bro you’re not “the man in the arena” you dropship weighted blankets from Alibaba

Looking for a batshit insane trust fund girl from the UES with a drug problem to fuck up my life and psychologically torment me

You need to be talking on the phone like a movie villain. You need to be speaking in a sinister tone and conveying every thought in three words or less. Answering with "yeah" and ending with "do it". You need to be hanging up the phone abruptly and violently.

I think the NPC meme took off because a lot of people truly have killed their internal monologues with constant music/podcast/video streaming. Airpods in 24/7 blocking out the world. Inability to just exist in silence with their own thoughts. Not healthy.

Fellas, delete the dating apps, head down to the cheese and wine sections at Whole Foods, and you’ll find your wife within an hour guaranteed

I would be a great billionaire failson. Eschewing the world of business to pursue increasingly absurd eccentricities. Globetrotting with a cabal of bohemians. Mogging politicians. Starting cults. Running Italian football clubs into the ground. My whole life would be one huge bit.

Ladies, if he has these books on his bookshelf, run the opposite direction 🚩