Do you remember when you joined Twitter? I do! #MyTwitterAnniversary

dad's so silly

And my internet is back now...

Major Internet and other service outage in San Francisco today -- Seems like 5,000+ people are out. No ETA from @comcast, if I call, they also won't send me through to anyone. @comcastcares

Too funny. Silicon Valley Hierarchy of Needs. http://t.co/MsyuhKpJdq

We win, we lose, we riot. San Francisco flow chart. #Giants http://t.co/zd2bAb01z6

@bryanjflaherty That's 18th and Castro, the Castro, not the Mission. But happy to see some good clean fun out this way!

I can always tell when they use fake dinosaurs in movies.

All those who give it 110% and feel proud of that, get out of the way. Because peanut butter is about to give it 125% http://t.co/tHU7YJmr8K

If life begins at conception then I can use the carpool lane for the next few days

"Vitamin Water"?? Sorry bud, that exists and it's called SOUP

Behind every successful man there is a spot on the back of his head where you can flick him pretty hard with your finger without him seeing.

I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process.

If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.

Today's Tip: Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chair that looks like a rocking chair.

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.

Anyone who doesn't request unlimited salad and breadsticks as their last meal is an idiot

I wish all tests were things you peed on