I'm back

6 year old daughter: [grabs nerf gun and darksaber] “I need to fight the water demons to stop the flood” Wife: “well, someone’s gotta do it”

Me: [looks at a 49” ultra wide monitor from my phone] My wife: [sprints in from other room, dives over couch, slaps phone out of my hand, flips in air, sticks the landing, and squirts me with a spray bottle] “No”

Cranberry sauce in a can is the only acceptable cranberry sauce at Thanksgiving. Fight me.

If I had a dollar for every time my players throw a curveball at me I could retire to a castle and play D&D there instead.

Player characters: [level up] The wizard: “I get sixth level spells now” The rogue: “your mom gets sixth level spells”

Me: “as you round the corner on the switch back, you notice the snow is significantly deeper, making it difficult terrain.” One of my players: “I have a potions of fire breath, I want to use those to clear a path for us.” Me: “I love the creativity. I’ll allow it.”

Introducing the new BBEG

Terrible (or brilliant, depending on perspective) one shot idea: reverse haunted house. The player characters are monsters - ghosts, ghouls, vampires, werewolves, etc - just trying to keep groups of pesky treasure hunting adventurers out of their old mansion.

Man, what’d Steve do?

Got to drop a plot twist on my players tonight that I’ve been building up to for 2 years: one of their characters, an orphan raised at a monastery, is actually from a noble line thought extinct…oh and several very bad factions do not want him to exist. #dnd

That awkward moment when the party’s pet giant weasel consistently rolls higher on intelligence checks than anyone in the party.

Pretty sure we lost power as many times tonight as we did in the entire three years we’ve lived in this house

It finally happened. In my years of DM’ing I’ve never gotten to run an all ranger game; and, it finally happened in a two-shot for my home game.

Things I say in discord to my players: “Everyone ready for Dungeon Crawl Part III: Even MOAR Rooms?” This is our third session in this “dungeon.” It’s really a crypt for a royal line that went extinct 3000 years ago that may or may not contain a portal nexus and a deep dragon.

Dungeon Masters will be like “I needed this” and it’s literally just everyone showing up for game on time.

Me: “you peak around the corner and see a room filled with undead” Cleric: “have they noticed us?” Me: “not that you can tell” Sorcerer and Artificer: [look at each other and nod] Sorcerer and artificer: “we cast fireball” Me: “at the same time?” Them: “yes” Me: “ok then”

New maps? New maps https://t.co/gJondNILhg

Did I take the & in D&D too far by putting a dragon in the dungeon my party is currently raiding?

Player characters: [enter a 2000 year old tomb] The players: [forget to check for traps] Me: “you hear the floor give way as a 10 foot thick wall of bones erupts from the floor, blocking the exit.” The players: “you know, we should’ve seen that coming.”

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