Mark Steel
@mrmarksteel
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I love Twitter because everyone's always polite and no one ever takes anything you say literally, never.
London
Joined December 2009
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#พิมพ์กรกนก
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Canucks
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Vancouver
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"Just install the app, then scan the QR code onto your phone and register as a friend of the plug on our Plug Mate app which you can download from the Argentine government..."
The brand new episode is out. With my guests
@fredmacaulay
and
@elliotsteelcom
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She’s won £2.5million, if she wins another slam she’ll be the only teenager who can put a deposit on a flat in London.
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Murray did it properly - he put us through 4 years of agony before he finally won one - none of this straight from A levels in Bromley to champion in 6 months nonsense.
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Let me be gracious. All the people celebrating now are the most entitled, embittered, sneering nasty selfish racist foul fuckwits. I’d still rather be with the decent people, however gutted they are, than be you for a second.
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Chris Witty should announce sternly that it's now clear the number of people who despise Johnson is doubling every two days, and we have to accept it will have affected everyone by Christmas, especially anyone who's been in close contact with him.
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My local doctors' surgery has a fun system for booking appointments. You have to call at exactly 8am and hope you get through. Almost certainly you won't, then by 8.05 all appointments have gone. It's exciting, like trying to buy a ticket to see One Direction.
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My dearest friend
@JeremyJHardy
left us early this morning. I was so lucky to have spent 35 years arseing about with him. Knowing him as I did, I know he wouldn't want you to be sad, he'd want you to be bloody devastated x
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So 370 years after the Civil War, we have arrived at a point where if the Royal Family overthrew parliament and took control of the country, that would be a move to the left.
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What an excellent idea it was, to choose who runs the country by asking a few thousand elderly people with huge lawns.
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A nice man from UCL Hospital called this week, to say a scan of me showed the cancer I had has all gone. The treatment worked, the cancer bottled it and ran off, the wimp.
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When Matt Hancock has to stick his head into a tank of poisonous ants, Ant and Dec should tell him he can’t have a mask like everyone else as they’ve run out of protective equipment. So he’ll have to make do with a bin liner.
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You have to feel for her, crying like that. She managed to hold back tears when she visited Grenfell survivors, and deported Windrush citizens, and dismissed the rise in food banks, but today, bless her, the emotion became too much for her.
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Apparently there’s a pride of hungry lions eating everyone in the town centre. But I’m going down there anyway, no one’s telling me I can’t live my normal life. Anyway if I stay home, the lions have won.
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It's started already. A 93-year-old woman just came straight from the hospital to tell me I must assassinate David Icke. She also tried to sell me a Microsoft Office package for £79.99
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The Premier Inn in Aberystwyth has pushed the boat out with festive decorations this year. It's like bloody Lapland.
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Here’s my bit in the Sunday Mirror. It seems I’m the only person prepared to stick up for Prince Andrew.
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I can't BELIEVE Boris Johnson has broken his promises to increase the minimum wage, and protect employee rights in Brexit. It just doesn't make sense, why would he lie? It's SO out of character, I feel so let down. Maybe he's just forgotten as he's tired.
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As soon as we get a woke anti-racist gay-pride supporting England we get to a final.
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If Andy Murray finally beats Djokovic in Australia, I will finally accept there's a higher being.
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I think the most moving part of this service is the joy in knowing Boris Johnson is sat somewhere going ‘If I’d hung on two more bloody weeks I’d have been up there instead of bloody Truss’.
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By the end of the day, footage will emerge of Boris Johnson dealing cocaine in the House of Commons toilets, but the police won’t prosecute because it happened last Thursday which is too long ago.
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The left that is sick of the government now seems to include Jamie Oliver, the Archbishop of Canterbury, the BBC's financial expert, most Conservative MPs, Match of the Day, taxi drivers, the banks and the King. We'll move on to animals next, and then to items of furniture.
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All this jollity about Boris Johnson’s new puppy is adorable. I also hear President Bashar Al Assad of Syria has a cute tortoise. He always feeds it after gassing a village. I’ll see if I can find a picture.
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I can’t see the debate tonight, but if Johnson arrives in a KKK outfit with Prince Andrew and sets fire to a tortoise, I’ll read headlines tomorrow that say ‘Corbyn in shirt-not-ironed-properly shame’.
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Breaking news: some cunts have pledged to back a cunt rather than another cunt, who was backing a different cunt until he thought the cunts might back him, and other cunts who said 'if that cunt wins I'm leaving', now hope he wins and gives them a job, the cunts.
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In this election there’s a clear choice. You can vote for the parties who fuck things up because they’re privileged embittered sadists, or parties who fuck things up because they mean well but can’t get their shit together.
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Here's something I never wanted to write, an obituary for dear Jeremy Hardy
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An interviewer for a national newspaper just asked me "was Jeremy political at all? And did he have hobbies?" I shall forever regret not saying 'he was chair of East Surrey Conservative Association but didn't like to mention it. And played Rugby League to a very high standard'.
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As a staunch Republican, I wonder whether it might be best, just this once, if the Queen takes over.
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I’ve just seen 4 rich drunk young knobheads thrown out of Lords by the stewards, for being arrogant noisy rich drunk young knobheads. It was marvellous, even though at least two of them will one day be Prime Minister.
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I had the first surgery this morning for this slightly unwelcome cancer. All seems to be going to plan, due to the magnificent staff at St George’s but I have these tubes poking out, so I look like a car in my home town of Swanley that the locals are syphoning petrol from.
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All the Queen has to do, to become the most popular monarch ever, is cover Trump in milkshake at the banquet.
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If it turned out Boris Johnson faked his illness to spend a week robbing banks with an alibi, and had sprayed the virus across Italy with a watering can after a drunken party, and ate the bat in the first place, many people would say ‘now is not the time to be critical’.
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It’s fine that Farage goes to Australia for I’m a Celebrity. If his first task is to travel there in a dinghy, and when he arrives, Ant and Dec shout at him on the beach through a megaphone ‘here’s another one, swarming here just to make easy money’, then he’s sent to Rwanda.
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Out of St George’s Hospital for now. I’ve left a review on Trip Advisor, «views were a delight, everything spotless, staff exceptional. Slight quibble at being led into a room, knocked out and a chunk of throat being removed but overall top quality all round ••••• »
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I heard people on the radio saying they’re angry at the unfair way Abramovich has been treated. It’s a good point, because if anyone has suffered through this crisis, it’s him.
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Oh for goodness sake, Kanye West is 45 years old, he's from a different generation. Can't we all agree he didn't mean any harm, even if his language can seem clumsy to some people. He certainly shouldn't be sacked or made to feel bad.
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Twas the night before Liz Truss became Prime Minister, and the skies were torn apart with lightning, and the ground did roar with thunder and the rain swept with mighty power through the darkness, and the earth itself seemed to tremble at the thought of what was to come.
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My sources tell me Mark Francois has reacted to the Brexit delay by exploding. Police have sealed off the streets near his home and the public are warned not to approach any bits of him lying on the road as they could explode again.
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If, for a moment, I may be a serious political analyst, for Labour to campaign against Caroline Lucas in Brighton Pavilion is FUCKING STUPID, and for Greens to campaign against Moyle in Brighton Kemptown is FUCKING STUPID. Sort it out you STUPID FUCKERS.
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MP Lee Anderson said yesterday “You wouldn’t get Les Dawson on TV these days” in response to watching a Les Dawson show on TV yesterday. This is a worry, as either he thinks he’s not living in these days, or he’s mistaken his TV for his fridge.
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The BBC left Ronnie O’Sullivan at the snooker, to go to Politics Live in which an MP called Sir Robert Buckland is wittering about something or other. It’s like saying ‘that’s enough of Beethoven’s 5th symphony, now let’s hear a dustcart reversing for 3 miles’.
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The problem is that their reporters, editors and owner find it hard to accept that most of us are flawed, and can’t live up to the high moral values, devotion to the absolute truth and extreme chastity represented by The Sun.
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I'm glad they're persisting with shutting pubs and restaurants at 10, as it makes no difference but looks as if something's being done. They should try more rules like this, such as 'all teaspoons must face north' or 'no one can eat a tomato in the afternoon'.
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Thanks SO much to all of you for so many funny caring messages. And to my brilliant partner and magnificent son and daughter, amazing friends and astonishing staff at St George’s and when this is over you must all come to mine to celebrate good health by getting utterly drunk x
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During the austerity years, we learned every day how public money was wasted, such as ‘Trafford Council spent £35 on biscuits’. Thank the Lord this was stopped, and now public money is spent on what’s important, such as £12million on bailing out a nonce.
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This is entertaining. Johnson is like the poor sod at the end of a game of Monopoly, going 'hang on, I'm not finished, you may have 20 hotels but I've still got £30 and a mortgaged water works so I can keep going'.
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I wonder what picture Nigel Farage would have to put on Twitter, to get himself not invited onto Question Time for a couple of weeks.
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A senior doctor, who I trust implicitly, tells me the fastest way to spread Coronavirus is to assemble large quantities of toilet rolls together. If you buy too much at once, the virus keeps warm in the packaging, then jumps out and stabs you with a fork.
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I’m in a newsagents in Somerset this morning, the young woman serving was finishing a conversation with her mate. She said ‘So I was watching fireworks at midnight, he gets on one knee and proposes. I said “you got to get fucking divorced first.” Yes mate how can I help you’?
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It seems to win elections, you need a clear message, such as the Brexit Party's 'We want Brexit', the Lib-Dem's 'Bollocks to Brexit', or Labour's 'we support a customs thingy with limited freedom of wotnot subject to General referendum but never a referendum outside off stump'.
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Oh for the Lord’s sake I am not the Mark Steel who’s the hero of anti-vax 5G people who say India doesn’t exist and the world is run by wasps and the sea is fake as water is made of taramasalata, that’s a different Mark Steel. Even so - coincidence????
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We've got our country back, it's no longer in the hands of the elite and safely with Nigel Farage and Boris Johnson and Rupert Murdoch.
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So the 300,000 people full of hate who support terrorism have been peaceful with 12 arrests. And the few hundred decent people who love their country and Home Secretary and our statues and peace have caused utter mayhem with 80 arrests. Confusing isn’t it?
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You won’t catch me eating cheese. How do we know what’s in it? Who tested it? There was a woman in Mexico ate a slice of mature Cheddar and she turned inside-out. They kept it quiet of course.
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Oh bless you Sean Lock, brilliantly funny, brilliantly grumpy, brilliantly bonkers, magnificent company, a proper comic.
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The Brexit spokesman blamed their defeat on "Pakistanis in the inner city. Some of those houses have 14 people in them."
Exactly. Until we ban the poor and immigrants from voting, and give 1 vote to each house like in 1800, we'll never have a fair, democratic modern Britain.
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Following the success of the Jeffrey Dahmer drama on Netflix, someone should make an even more chilling one, about a woman who says ‘My dream is to see people deported to Rwanda’, then smiles, a fixed sinister smile. And that’s the end of episode one.
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If Donald Trump had been in the D-day landings, he wouldn't have seen any German troops on the beaches, just thousands of people cheering him on.
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This is possibly the most extraordinary minute of tennis I’ve ever seen. Someone could write a novel on the 30 years that led to this.
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There are scorpions all over my floor. So I must make sure I wear shoes in the house from July 24th.
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I feel the underlying question that needs to be put before ministers at this delicate time, is « How long does it take to investigate whether there was a fucking great party in your own house and who organised the fucking thing? You hardly need to be fucking Columbo, you twat. »
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There will be a lot of excitement if it turns out Prince Andrew was at these parties as well.
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A number of Labour supporters tell me the reason I, or anyone else, is unconvinced by the Labour policy on Europe, is I’m “stupid.” That’s certainly won me round, and should be a huge vote-winner on the doorstep.
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Thank you so much to everyone who has responded to the news about Jeremy, he'd have been so pleased, possibly overwhelmed, delighted, and then said something appallingly hilariously rude.
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Each morning I’m bolted into a mask for radiotherapy and choose music to listen to as it’s on. This morning I asked for Rum, Sodomy and the Lash, a record of pure perfection. An hour later I saw Shane Macgowan has left us. I think this is the most spiritual I’ve ever felt.
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The Telegraph is doing an exposè on me apparently, I’ve got a guinea-pig cage that, if it was made of gold and was lived in by guinea-pigs that spoke French and Banksy did a drawing on it, would be worth 11 million pounds.
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My favourite story as a child was the one where Noddy's car broke down. 'What seems to be the trouble?' said PC Plod. 'Oh shit' yelled Noddy and luckily flagged down a bus so he was no longer in danger from the psychopath.
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I’m watching Alien on the telly. The arrogant bloke in charge of the ship ignores all the warnings that this thing could do loads of damage, let’s it in, then takes no responsibility when the bodies pile up as predicted. What a daft film.
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My favourite part of the rugby is when 20 huge blokes link up for a huge cuddle, the whistle blows, they all get up, the referee explains for 5 minutes why their cuddle wasn’t right, they all listen like cherubic children, and try to cuddle properly.
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There we are, we voted to leave Europe to bring back democracy, so now the next Prime Minister can be decided by 50,000 97-year-old rural dingbats.
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Of all football managers in Britain and Ireland in the last 50 years, 5 to make the greatest impact are Shankly, Clough, Ferguson, Jack Charlton and Klopp, who are 5 of the few people in sport to describe themselves as socialists. There’s a PHD in that for someone.
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Isn't it joyful, that we've taken the power to rule our country back from Europe. And given it to some Presbyterian creationists instead.
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I came down to Brighton today to vote as that’s where I’m registered. But it turns out there are no elections in Brighton. Beat that for dedication to the democratic process.
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By the end of the day Jeremy Hunt will admit to running a Mexican drugs cartel, 'where I learned how to succeed in business', and Dominic Raab will own up to dealing in Afghan hash, 'though I didn't realise Afghanistan was abroad'.
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How do you spend £200,000 on doing up a flat? Did they get Beyoncé to do the electrics? Is the table a live panda? Are the bathroom tiles made out of Arsenal season tickets?
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If we’re going to get no points we might as well have a laugh and enter some thrash metal outfit called Satan’s Arsehole with a song called I’ve Got Your Head in my Fridge.
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Ann Widdecombe's standing for the Brexit Party now. It's like when Channel 5 reveal who's in their latest reality show. Next will be Timmy Mallet, Jimmy Greaves and the woman who put a cat in a wheelie-bin.
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Amongst other matters, Michael Parkinson was one of few sports writers in 1968 who opposed apartheid South Africa banning black sports players. And he was a founding member of the Anti-Nazi-League. And he did an insurance advert that offered a free pen. Bless him all round.
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I am fairly sure that if St Francis of Assisi drifted into our world, serenely in his simple gown with no shoes, replete in love and covered in birds, and watched Boris Johnson today, he'd say "What a cunt."
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I am FUMING that Stewart Lee doesn’t like exactly the same things as me and doesn’t dislike exactly the same things as me, in exactly the same order. Anyway, I’ve never heard of him.
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Who are these people who want to ruin the anniversary of when a war ended, by wanting to end a war? Have they no respect?
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At last something good has come of Covid. Priti Patel says she won't be visiting her parents for Christmas. They must be fucking delighted.
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I'm organising a march for the right to wave a chainsaw in ASDA and chuck rattlesnakes onto a packed bus. WHY AM I DENIED MY FREEDOM? For YEARS this has been banned. Now we've HAD ENOUGH!!
#antichainsawserpentban
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When asked if he was at a party, rather than rely on his memory, or the fact that other people saw him there, he said he'd wait until the results of an investigation. Maybe he thinks he might turn out to be someone else, who wasn't there, such as Shirley Bassey or Peppa Pig.
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I'm always impressed by people who take such pride telling us they didn't enjoy something everyone else loved. "Cricket is shit" or "I never saw Game of Thrones." We must applaud their determination to convince us life is relentlessly miserable.
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It's tricky to predict, but my guess is Johnson returns to parliament, with an AK47 and murders 200 Remain MPs. He's found guilty of murder, but while he respects the verdict, he disagrees with it. His majority restored, he sells Britain to Trump, in return for sex with Melania.
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To be fair, he couldn't possibly have predicted the thing every scientist, and Keir Starmer, and everyone who looked at the figures and everyone in the medical profession predicted.
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May I humbly propose at the Sports Personality of the Year Awards (which must surely be won by Ben Stokes), Sun journalists are denied entry. (I’m being moderate here, there’s a good case for them being denied entry to their own house).
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I put Van Tam’s answer there, ‘the rules apply to all’, into Google translate, from official important-person into normal English, and it means “Of COURSE the lying arsehole should be sacked.”
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My turn - I went to a barbecue on the beach with 30 mates, to see if my toothache had got better so I could look after my goldfish.
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I sympathise with Priti Patel. When I was 12 our holiday in Bognor was spoilt when we bumped into Menachem Begin and couldn't get rid of him
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How disgraceful that a BBC employee abused their position by using their platform to show compassion. Lineker should now have to tweet something heartless, such as "Pandas should all be waterboarded", to restore balance.
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Heard the dustmen at 6.30, put on trousers, ran out with four bags of bottles, caught up with the truck as it tried to escape and got them all in. The whole business lasted 30 seconds. THAT is what human beings can achieve if they believe in themselves.
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Keir Starmer should address Johnson in his calm forensic way, saying "I KNOW kids don't suffer from it much but they TRANSMIT it, so if SCHOOLS are open, you might as well spray yer fucking virus across the town square with a fucking hosepipe you fucking imbecilic Etonian TWAT."
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The only way to stop Harry Kane from scoring is put him in an England team in a World Cup.
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I think I would advise against using chemotherapy as a recreational drug this Christmas. It hasn’t given me the bounce I was hoping for at all, I can’t see it taking off in the clubs.
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