I think every car should be equipped with sensors and a steering wheel that shocks you every time you change lanes without a blinker.

Fitting for tonight.

It’s 2024, @Microsoft really needs a dialog box that pops up to say “Are you sure you don’t want to save the changes you’ve made to this document that you’ve been working on for 2 hours?” after you opted to not save the changes. And yes, I know about OneDrive….

MA: “Mommy, is this God’s song?”.Me: “What’s that mean?”.MA: “Is God singing it?”.Me: “No, this is Tom Petty.”.

Everybody else finally had their pants at their hips. Eminem, I’m glad you didn’t “lose yourself”.

Calling it now. Kappa Sigs everywhere will have “Squid Games” as their new philanthropy.

MA whines to go outside. Thinking I’d fool her I said, “if you find your shoes, we can go outside.” FIVE SECONDS LATER, she rounds the corner with her shoes in hand. If my kid ever says she doesn’t know where something is, she’s lying to you.

Full body chills.

I hate to say it but the nail biter wins are more fun. Proud to be a Cardiac Dawg. Dawgs win again!!.

This tweet didn’t age well. #HailState.

Okay sorry @dj2_ I can no longer work at home while the dawgs are playing. It is now proven. #HailState.

Tomorrow is the last day of the fiscal year and I really need to be on my a-game for work. But if I go to bed we might lose. #NotSuperstitious #ButIAmALittleStitious #HailState.

Can someone do a face cutout of me in Omaha? I’m having serious FOMO. #HailState.

My kid bent one of the arms of my @BlendersEyewear sunglasses. They’re a little wonky but still functional. Today I straight up sat on them and bent them again. I straightened them back out and they didn’t break. RayBans would have snapped after the first bend. #loyalcustomer.

McSteamy looking McOldie.

1. I spilled my entire coffee on myself this morning. 2. I dressed for yesterday’s 80 degree weather bc I didn’t refresh my weather app. 3. Hypocrisy.4. Back yard burger is “currently not accepting orders.”. Wine me.

Somebody missed the day in 6th grade when you learn state abbreviations. Mississippi=MS

If I can’t find my kid, there’s a 100% chance she’s romping in the dog bed.

I need to know what kind of hypnotic sounds are coming out of Cocomelon that only babies can hear. When I say entranced.

You know the paper on the exam table at the doctor’s office that they roll out to change in between patients? It’s 2020, why isn’t there that same concept but for bed sheets?.

The new @ChickfilA brownies are regular. Bring back the old ones. those were 🔥🔥.