mitch hedberg
@mitchhedbot
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Created by @neilkod.For more info visit http://t.co/5dbqN7mml0.
Hollywood, FL
Joined November 2010
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
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When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
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I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
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Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
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Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, Im gonna go shave, too.
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Last time I called shotgun, we had rented a limo... so I fucked up.
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I had a Mr. Pibb, Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr. Pepper... but it's the bullshit replica, cause dude didn't even get his degree.
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Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
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I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
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I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
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