If you are broke but require steak, $10 steak frites at Vince young steakhouse from 5-7 lol

At a therapy show, a guy asked about having a sexual dream about his stepmom and I called it a “cream dream” and it’s my new vocal stim.

Can one of the homies in Mexico kidnap Nico and rough him up plz.

This is at the point now, I’m almost certain the actual Bad Bunny has seen it.

Hey if you like this tweet, check out my stand up comedy: https://t.co/mEvO9RcSHY

I’ve been reading AFAB as All Females Are Bastards.

Bad Bunny is a Nepo Baby. His father, Bugs, has been huge forever.

I hope Dern hits Jandiroba hard enough to fix her wonkeye.

Imagine a week ago I said: Man there’s some dumb guy in Sacramento today like “why does everyone hate our basketball team?”

OREGON IS A HUB STATE

Fuck, Marry, Kill: Me Someone you want to marry Someone you want to kill

Thank you to Tim Watkins and our incredible alumni for bringing this historic monument back to life. It serves as a powerful reminder of our Dragon tradition and excellence first at old Dragon Stadium, and now restored to stand proudly at the new Dragon Stadium!!!! ⁦

“Hey Siri, where did George Floyd die?”

Trying not to even mention Charlie Kirk on stage has been a real pain in the neck.

Call my face a Rascal the way I want you to ride it like you’re disabled.

Remember when Disney hated the Jews?

My dumbass thought it was a bullet. It was actually the dark.

Does anyone remember “if she smokes, she pokes” or just me?

It is time for me to finally confess. I am not Bill Hicks. I am not a clone. I am not a shape shifting reptilian. I am Sam Hyde time traveler from the future returned to the year 2025 to save earth. The Sam Hyde of 2025 was not aware of this fact until now..

Don’t get me wrong, I love seeing normal people get fired for saying crazy shit. I say the insane stuff because I’m a comedian. You can’t take my no money away. I live a beautiful consequence free life in regards to my tweets. But if you have a day job? Cmon. Stay in your lane.