the type of shit I’ve been on as of late

and now for lunch i’m gonna beat my husband

using lunch as a weapon

If an account with less followers than me is getting more interaction it’s because they’re botting. If an account with more followers than me is getting less likes it’s because I’m a posting prodigy.

Falling asleep in the middle of jacking off

Is ‘Sweet Caroline’ the worst song of all time, and why is the answer yes?

I’m afraid I’m both incapable and unworthy of love. I jacked off 7 times today and I failed the Wordle. Uncooked spaghetti tinned tuna and tomato paste

telling my wife the baby isn't hers

Had a few beers while cooking dinner and now I’m too full from beers to make dinner

What is twitter if not a place to air very specific grievances

Put that new ios update off for months and then it just did it automatically and now my phone runs like shit #yep

White people be like my dog did something unusual and I have an overly casual relationship with my parents

Australians pride ourselves on our larrikin nature and ability to take a joke unless of course that joke is about Israel in which case we send the police to bash your door down and kill you

Don’t you dare reply to me and then delete the reply. I saw that shit

Shoving AirPods in her vagina

Just pissed

Shoving AirPods in her vagina

Oh what’s that? You only got four hours of sleep last night? You poor thing. How about I kill you and then myself?

I get so gay off that sharpie

My son ran away from home to join Hezbollah. He’s a white nine-year-old from Parramatta. If anyone sees him please contact me.

When a car beeps I don’t get it