maura 🍉
@mauracakes
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Kroos
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This review of the Curves near my mom’s house, I don’t understand
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My account might get shut down for saying this but this person should be summarily executed.
I’m no psychology professor but it does seem weird to me that someone could have a selective fear of flying.
Can’t do it to testify but for vacation, well it’s not a problem at all.
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Why does this study that Ted Kaczynski participated in sound so much like Twitter?
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On 30 Rock when Tracy Jordan said, “I really don’t watch TV. I’m more of a masturbator,” I felt that.
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HBO Max still has The Big Bang Theory what are you all whining about
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My roommate once got mad at me because the heat was broken in the apartment and I was fighting with the landlord to get them to fix it & my roommate defended the landlord and I said, “Aren’t you worried about your bird dying?” And she posted “Hurt People Hurt People” on her story
my yt woman roommate has been giving me the silent treatment for 3 weeks now because I said “yes, in a minute” but on the bright side this is the most peace I’ve had all year
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Fun fact Bruce Vilanch ghostwrites Bette Midler’s tweets which means he wrote this tweet
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There’s something wrong with my ass...it has a big crack in it lol
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That says more about you that you go to restaurants where the waiters dress like this
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Accidentally clicked “Yes” to the question “Are you Hispanic/Latino?” on a job application
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I tried googling this bc I don’t understand what actually happened and this is the first thing that came up
After three hours of negotiations, officers convinced a suicidal person who was on a bridge to step back over the railing to safety when they accidentally fell into the river. Tonight, Insp. Wozney, Det. Ford and Constables Rausch and Both are awarded the Life Saving Award.
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Neither a dollar nor a pound bargain
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I had a really unfortunate sex dream about Paulie Gualtieri last night so I’m wearing this shirt
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Crazy how the HBO show Chernobyl premiered during Meltdown May haha :) god im so fucking lonely
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There should be a montage at the oscars of everyone in hollywood who was revealed to be a pedophile that year
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No idea why this is on my phone but I always scroll past it when im trying to find my vax card
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Trying to convince the d&d group to go see the Wizard of Wine on the worlds stupidest side quest
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You know it’s a good party when someone is reading a book there
perfect Bushwick party at 11pm on a Sunday is joints being passed around a room of only white guys and Asian girls, Fallen Angels is playing on the TV screen and someone’s reading Simone Weil
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Cool meme that was in the background of a dick pic this guy sent me
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“I can tell he’s into bestiality because his eyes look tired” these are the kind of people who are on juries
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Girl who was on Jeopardy did an ama and said that past a certain point in the audition process everyone knows the same stuff and theyre chosen based on charisma. I desperately want to see Jeopardy with the people who were rejected for charisma reasons and hear their anecdotes
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Listening to
@computer_screen
rant about how much better things are in Japan and he’s mostly talking about the high speed railway system but then he keeps bringing up the age of consent? Kindof weird
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Ozempic can cure binge eating, gambling addiction, cigarette addiction, alcoholism, nail biting and compulsive online shopping, but nothing can stop me from opening a seltzer, taking one sip and leaving it on my bedside table for weeks
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Why do people think me eating ice cream alone on the subway is like an invitation to talk to me? Is it because that’s only something a tragically lonely person would do
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Uncut Gems was awesome and it reminded me of the episode of Frasier where Niles becomes a good luck charm for a basketball player — commentary of a very smart woman
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Girl in front of me in class was watching Looney Tunes with headphones in and now is watching some kind of MKUltra documentary. I’m in love with her?
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Online scrabble doesn’t accept the word “yaoi” which is utter bullshit
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Was there really no other way to indicate that this is a women’s bathroom
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TikTok girl said she was born with a Mongolian birthmark...I went to Google that and instinctively typed "Mongolian barbecue," because i am a true fat ass
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If you knew what toppings I was combining on my pizza you’d call me a sick freak
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Today my coworker was like “Girls nowadays would rather listen to Cardi B than be a ride or die” which I think is the female version of “More American males now wear bracelets than eat stew”
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Yoga instructor told us to “Take a half baby”? Who does he think he is, King Solomon??? I mean come on!!!
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Everyone panic bought stuff to prepare for the storm but I’m just manifesting. I won’t perish in a flood bc I reject that energy
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I wear tan Spanx so that if my dress blows up people will just think I have a Barbie pussy
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When I went to see Licorice Pizza I slipped on some popcorn someone had spilled on the ground and fell flat on my ass with my legs in the air like a cartoon
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Go ahead and throw a steel ball at my car
When I get the Cybertruck, I will have no worries.
@elonmusk
Go ahead and throw a steel ball at my car, or even shoot the car bc this beast will protect me.
$TSLA
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Tall guys if they have to go 10 seconds without mentioning their height
Jacob Elordi reveals he ate a pound of bacon every day to prepare for his role as Elvis Presley in ‘Priscilla’ because Elvis liked really burnt bacon:
“It’s not that noticeable because I’m quite long, but I was the biggest I’ve ever been.”
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While my brain is occupied watching TV I should have a second brain that can listen to a podcast at the same time. I’d call it Brain 2
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I don’t want to be alone, but I don’t want to be with people. I want a secret third thing
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Imagine going on the computer and making a genocide-denying announcement that also will make everyone think you’re a pedophile as well
Here is the death age distribution in Gaza from before this conflict (from a pro Palestinian source)
The vast majority of "child" deaths were ages 10-18
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In tort law, a case for negligence requires proof of direct causation. Direct causation is determined by a "but for" analysis. What is a "but for"? Pooping, obviously.
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