Me at 6:30pm: you know it’s really fucked up that the war on drugs has made it so unnecessarily difficult to access legitimately therapeutic medications like my vyvanse just to spite a tiny part of the population who like how it feels Me at 9am: let’s fucking GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I think I might help myself to some alcohol— or, “liquid parrhesia” for my friends who now work in the service industry

All bisexuals have ADHD because we can’t remember which gender we’re attracted to

Had this coworker with the most beautiful life. Only talked to me about comedians from cable TV, spent his lunch breaks reading books in the bed of his ‘99 Tacoma, only a flip phone— unplugged as fuck. Just found out the guy’s actually just a sex offender and isn’t allowed online

If George Carlin said this in the 80’s everybody would be like what the fuck is a debit card

America is the only country where there is a 100% chance that somebody has been actively purchasing a Walmart gun for their teenager and hit “yes” to round up to help kids in need.

My fire ass hot ass girlfriend just passed the Bar exam let’s fucking GOOOOOOOO

https://t.co/bZe2CaZgtj

https://t.co/YWhsUB2z1D

Posted at 10:43 am my time. Don’t let anyone tell you vyvanse ain’t done nothin

Anyways if you want more of my comedy or other things I care about go follow me on my Instagram @matthewmandli or my alt @ZohranKMamdani

https://t.co/ZgUEx9kkgy

Being an older student fucking rules. You? Afraid to raise your hand in class. Me? eating a ziploc of scrambled eggs in the front row. I’m interrupting the professor with a question that’s actually a statement. I clear my throat so loud it sets off a car alarm

“As per my last e—“ Buddy, Walmart can restructure your entire downtown in 4 months and even THEY can’t reach me. Good fucken luck, pal.

Only real Mcfarlanders know 😤

This but crotchless

You know there’s a legitimate chance he’s doing it because he actually thinks Chiraq is a country in the Middle East

Absolutely fucking criminal what happened to this app. I just want to tell jokes and hear from my friends and now 3 of every 4 posts I see is a blue check robot named TheSouthWillReichAgain sucking Trump’s dick and calling for whole demographics to be classified as subhuman

Do you think the guy from Gruber law is allowed on Raya

Found out another friend is trans and I for one think it’s sick and sad liberals support that I’m about to go down another rank on the guitar hero leaderboard at I/O