alexa
@mariokartdwi
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after nearly six months of my check engine light being on I’m happy to announce that it just went off by itself. problem solved!.
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imagine taking a cab to the hospital in a crisis because you can’t afford an ambulance and it’s the cash cab.
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every friend group has the “pickle friend” that’s the friend u give your pickle to.
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if you have a pet carrier at the airport it’s my right to peek in like who’s that.
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I don’t need ketamine therapy I need a walkable city and 20 hour workweek.
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i know we’re a few days in but imagine he kills a different ceo every day until christmas.
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google maps will be like want to save 30 seconds by taking a route that causes lasting psychological damage?.
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guy at the nike store asked me if any of their “athletes” helped me out today. calm down.
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my ex told me one time that i only have guy friends bc they want to fuck me and i honestly think about it all the time when i’m fucking my guy friends.
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white girls during midterms will be like “i’m bout to say fuck it and become a stripper” as if they have the core strength.
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congrats to the guy who found shrimp in his cinnamon toast crunch and will probably never have to work again.
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Watched someone vacuum crumbs in a pastry display case with a tiny vacuum and just as I’m thinking “nice” in my head my bf turns to me and says “I bet you loved that shit.” To be seen is to be loved.
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it’s so hard explaining to my cat every morning that i have to go away for 10 hours to support our lifestyle.
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introducing my bf to reality tv and discovering he’s a natural born viewer. he’s here saying shit like “that outfit is vile”.
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aubrey plaza is married to a private account guy with 400 followers I’m literally so happy for her.
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i’ll be four drinks in in a new city like “I’m moving here”.
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when I experience common side effects of a medication I’m just like wow I did not expect that to happen to me given that I’m different.
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things u have to ask a white guy on a first date . (1) have u punched a hole in a wall.(2) have u ever killed an animal just for fun.
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microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist.
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college campuses be like tuition is $20k a semester but don’t get it twisted u broke bitch printing is NOT free 💅🏼.
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throughout the darkest times in history people were still falling in love and hanging out with their friends. saying that now for no particular reason.
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I can tell when your photo dump has a republican undertone.
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Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.
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slept with a guy last night who had a pokémon ball rug and i was losing my mind at it and he goes “you can tweet about it tomorrow”.
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Idk what’s more embarrassing, your employer finding your social media and seeing posts like “my client was serving cunt, your honor” or your friends finding your linkedin and seeing you self describe as a “data driven professional”.
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It’s maybe the worst time in history for renters. With the grey wood flooring situation and all.
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this is a disgusting display of wealth.
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ppl joke about “ever since I was a child i’ve dreamed of having an email job” but like coming from a working class household I’m living my dream life daily sitting on my ass hybrid schedule style with a monthly wellness stipend and unlimited PTO.
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wild seeing someone who owes you money eating jeni’s.
If it’s above freezing, then it’s ice cream weather.
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men are trash . 📍. 📏 (1 alcoholic bev). 📏 . 📏. 📍i need a man.
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hey thanks for adding that vid of u shotgunning a beer in ur college library to ur dating profile so i know that u probably won’t give me an orgasm.
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people are scared to admit that the best body type is like “works out but not quite enough to counteract the drinking”.
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Do nooootttt look at me while I park my car I have performance anxiety.
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i can just look at a girl and tell u if she wore converse w her homecoming dress.
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i can just look at a dude and tell you if he wore a white tux to prom.
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Your 20’s are all about collaborating with your friends on survival.
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the only reason most people aren’t homeless is due to sheer luck. people will do mental gymnastics to avoid that reality but the sooner we all accept that the sooner we can start treating our neighbors like people and not some societal burden.
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me at 16: i jus want a bf who is chill n smokes weed . me at 21: i want a life partner who is on a successful career trajectory and shares common interests w me to build a fruitful life with. me at 24: i jus want a bf who is chill n smokes weed.
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By age 28 you should have at least one medical mystery that you can’t afford to get to the bottom of.
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When someone’s bio is like “life is short buy the plane ticket” I’m like okay thanks for clarifying we are in different tax brackets.
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My boyfriend makes my life infinitely more interesting and exciting and in exchange I remind him to drink water.
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high school: wow can’t wait for college. college: wow can’t wait for grad school. grad school: wow can’t wait to start my career. career: wow can’t wait to pass away.
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reminder that no dick is worth watching him play fifa with his roommates for 3 hours.
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oh you want me to fill in my previous employment experience even though it’s all right there in my resume? why don’t you just come to my apartment and dump all my cereals on the floor.
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ah man i fucked up by drinking too much alcohol last night but when i drink too much alcohol again tonight it will be different.
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idk who needs to hear this but drop off that bag of donation clothes thats been in your trunk for 4 months you goofy bitch.
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my passenger in christ we are in row 30 what do you think you’re doing standing up immediately when the seatbelt sign turns off.
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healthy swap:. instead of: 1 cigarette . try: 16 hits of weed pen.
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[job performance review] we’ve noticed you’ve really been putting your entire pussy into your work lately.
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we all pulling out of queens today am i right fellas happy vday.
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white girls will have a new man every month but still be wearing the same pair of white converse they’ve had since the bush administration.
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if i was in whoville when the grinch was stealing christmas it wouldn’t have gone down like it did.
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twitter trolls don’t faze me bc i was once brutally dragged in a houseplant forum for overwatering my fiddle leaf fig tree and i haven’t felt anything since.
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For awareness, under the secure 2.0 act your student loan payments can count as retirement contributions to be matched by your employer. Meaning if you’re making student loan payments but not contributing to your 401k, your employer can contribute on your behalf starting 2024.
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When someone gets on the treadmill next to me it’s like okay human trafficking attempt.
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did you guys know that gun girl wouldn’t exist if we all just blocked her and stopped talking about her.
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When my coworker says something extremely coworker and it’s just like okay you are not beating the coworker allegations.
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$200 knee high snakeskin boots: a necessity . fixing the passenger side mirror on my car: a luxury.
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if we didn’t see our first dicks on omegle together PLEASE don’t say we go way back.
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Every day after work is a choose your own adventure and the two adventures are go to the gym or go home and smoke weed.
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Seeing all the enemies you made during the flight at baggage claim
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Just in the lab goofing. Love that.
Boston University researchers claim to have developed new, more lethal COVID strain in lab
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shaving my entire body before i go to trader joe’s just incase the employee w face tats finally decides to risk it all.
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airbnb hosts be like. when you arrive at the house walk up the first set of outside stairs, leading to the secret door. open the door. inside will be my roomate with a riddle, once solved he will give you the key. there are 7 possible doors the key may open, it’s is up to you t.
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venmo be like . rent 🏠.za.⚡️💡🔌💸.booze.🌳🌳🌳.anal.Security deposit.❄️ .xfinity.
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I don’t care if your lane is ending i still want you to put on your turn signal bc i wanna see you beg for it.
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no video has ever better encapsulated the feeling of being in office
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Ever since I was a child I’ve dreamed of verifying my identity with an authentication code.
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me: *existing on october 1st*. yall: happy COCKtober u spooky sluts 🎃👻🌽💦 time to shove 40 pumpkins up ur ass and literally f*ck the devil 😈🎃💀⚰️.
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a very millennial thing is to buy ikea furniture and tell yourself “i’ll buy real furniture when i can afford it” and then work a dead end job until you pass away of old age in your MALM bed.
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10 min commute, lunch at Chili’s and leaving work at 4pm this is THE LIFE plus I’m sure he freaks it on the weekends.
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*napoleon dynamite voice* are you drinking vodka soda bc you think you’re fat?.
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