alexa
@mariokartdwi
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after nearly six months of my check engine light being on I’m happy to announce that it just went off by itself. problem solved!
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I don’t need ketamine therapy I need a walkable city and 20 hour workweek
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my ex told me one time that i only have guy friends bc they want to fuck me and i honestly think about it all the time when i’m fucking my guy friends
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white girls during midterms will be like “i’m bout to say fuck it and become a stripper” as if they have the core strength
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it’s so hard explaining to my cat every morning that i have to go away for 10 hours to support our lifestyle
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Idk what’s more embarrassing, your employer finding your social media and seeing posts like “my client was serving cunt, your honor” or your friends finding your linkedin and seeing you self describe as a “data driven professional”
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It’s maybe the worst time in history for renters. With the grey wood flooring situation and all.
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this is a disgusting display of wealth
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wild seeing someone who owes you money eating jeni’s
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hey thanks for adding that vid of u shotgunning a beer in ur college library to ur dating profile so i know that u probably won’t give me an orgasm
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Do nooootttt look at me while I park my car I have performance anxiety
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i can just look at a girl and tell u if she wore converse w her homecoming dress
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Your 20’s are all about collaborating with your friends on survival
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me at 16: i jus want a bf who is chill n smokes weed
me at 21: i want a life partner who is on a successful career trajectory and shares common interests w me to build a fruitful life with
me at 24: i jus want a bf who is chill n smokes weed
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By age 28 you should have at least one medical mystery that you can’t afford to get to the bottom of
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When someone’s bio is like “life is short buy the plane ticket” I’m like okay thanks for clarifying we are in different tax brackets
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My boyfriend makes my life infinitely more interesting and exciting and in exchange I remind him to drink water
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high school: wow can’t wait for college
college: wow can’t wait for grad school
grad school: wow can’t wait to start my career
career: wow can’t wait to pass away
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healthy swap:
instead of: 1 cigarette
try: 16 hits of weed pen
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we all pulling out of queens today am i right fellas happy vday
BREAKING: Amazon pulls out of $3 billion deal to bring HQ2 to Queens
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white girls will have a new man every month but still be wearing the same pair of white converse they’ve had since the bush administration
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if i was in whoville when the grinch was stealing christmas it wouldn’t have gone down like it did
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twitter trolls don’t faze me bc i was once brutally dragged in a houseplant forum for overwatering my fiddle leaf fig tree and i haven’t felt anything since
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For awareness, under the secure 2.0 act your student loan payments can count as retirement contributions to be matched by your employer. Meaning if you’re making student loan payments but not contributing to your 401k, your employer can contribute on your behalf starting 2024.
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if we didn’t see our first dicks on omegle together PLEASE don’t say we go way back
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Every day after work is a choose your own adventure and the two adventures are go to the gym or go home and smoke weed
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Just in the lab goofing. Love that
Boston University researchers claim to have developed new, more lethal COVID strain in lab
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venmo be like
rent 🏠
za
⚡️💡🔌💸
booze
🌳🌳🌳
anal
Security deposit
❄️
xfinity
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I don’t care if your lane is ending i still want you to put on your turn signal bc i wanna see you beg for it
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me: *existing on october 1st*
yall: happy COCKtober u spooky sluts 🎃👻🌽💦 time to shove 40 pumpkins up ur ass and literally f*ck the devil 😈🎃💀⚰️
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10 min commute, lunch at Chili’s and leaving work at 4pm this is THE LIFE plus I’m sure he freaks it on the weekends
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let’s stop calling couples who are affectionate in public “cute” and start calling them what they really are – horny
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I’ve seen some of the best ass of my lifetime in these pants. sorry if this hasn’t been your experience!
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hey sorry i can’t come into work today president joe biden has asked me to stand up to gun lobbyists
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if she has loose adderall in the bottom of her purse marry her
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any guy who claims to like “dark humor” in their dating profile would absolutely freeze if i made a dead dad joke on the first date
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Bro we are at friendsgiving why do you need to do ketamine is something wrong with you
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“choose a job you enjoy and you’ll never work a day in your life” um ok bold of u to assume i’ve ever enjoyed anything
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the sexual tension between me and any guy who looks like he’s accidentally smoked meth before
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moms be like what happened to that guy who used to make u cry all the time? he was so nice
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I can’t believe the same compassionate god who created weed also invented me going to work in the morning
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