maggie lalley
@magslals
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Comedian! @magslals on TikTok & Insta 🩸🩸Sketch, Music, Stand up 🩸💕🍑 Sex Witch The Musical @edfringe show! Click👇 shows and more!
New York, NY
Joined April 2014
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Twitter is the least toxic social media app because everyone’s willing to admit how poorly they’re doing
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Some people are like I will stop at nothing and I’m like really? I would stop at a lot of things like for instance what if it’s difficult
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Me in my 20s ~ everyone hates me
Me in my 30s ~ if someone hates me they hate themselves I am amazing
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I’m actually doing wet January where I’m always drunk and having an orgasm
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Working from home requires excellent multitasking for example you have to be able to get paid while also sleeping
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Pete Davidson dating Kim after Ariana is neither an upgrade nor a downgrade. He is a boy who gets good grades.
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It would be so nice to be delusionally self confident but instead I have to “do affirmations” and “go to therapy” so annoying
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everytime someone does anything that upsets me I’m like ok I can either send them an extremely confrontational essay or disappear from their lives abruptly there’s no in between
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white dudes act like watching a movie is a skill that requires more than being able to see and hear
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Sometimes I google guys who fingered me in college to see if they’re dead
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Once received a dick pic in a black & white filter and I was like yesss he’s an artist
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Tantric sex is just two people on anti depressants who can’t cum
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It’s comforting to know that all of our future grandkids can be like wow grandma’s tik toks were humiliating
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So hard to dress for the job you want when you ultimately don’t want a job
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working a corporate job is a lot like getting railed by a dude in the sense that you’re so bored while getting absolutely slammed
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I don’t wear makeup not because I like a natural look but because I could weep at any moment
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I think I want a husband but you can’t get everything from one man. You need one to bang you, one to cook, one to make you laugh, and one to build furniture for you. So maybe I don’t want a husband. I want a staff.
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Crazy that 90 % of straight couples rock a beauty and the beast costume year round
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When a guy asks to fuck me I’m like hmm I guess I could disassociate for 3 to 5 min
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When someone is like oh I’m LA sober I smoke weed I’m like oh nice I’m NY sober I’m drunk every night
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Sex work should be legal. The real crime is fucking losers for free.
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what doesn't kill you makes you stronger OR makes u severely depressed and unable to function lol
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me: I’m bipolar
Mom: Ohhh we thought u just wanted attention
me: no I was ill
Mom: ok what r u up to now
me: one woman show
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me: i've been sexually harassed on the street for over a decade!
straight guy: i get it, i was hit on by a gay guy once
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It’s sad that every cross fit couple ends up killing each other
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When a male comic asks to collab it’s like um dude we can just fuck lol u don’t have to do this
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If you’re gonna be hot at least have the courtesy to be a horrible person
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I just wanna be successful enough in comedy so that all my ex boyfriends new gfs say um yea she’s not that funny 🙏🙏🙏
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how many times can my WiFi be down before my job realizes I am asleep
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Just smoked a fat j of the I’m embarrassed of everything I’ve ever done strain
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Yeah sex is good but have u ever nevermind sex is so good I’ll leave it at that I hate this trend thank u
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Tired of introverts being so vocal about how another lockdown would be fun. Wish they’d stick to their usual routine of saying nothing.
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Idk about stay at home mom but I’m down for stay at home slut
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All I wanna do is take a bubble bath at a man’s house while he sits on the toilet and tells me a story
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men will be like ok ok but MY love language is flirting with your cousin
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Female host prepping a guest for her podcast:
Do you need any snacks? Is there anything u don’t want to talk about or anything u do want to talk about? Please let me know if you like rose or need absolutely anything!!!! Can’t wait ❤️
Male host: podcast starts at 7 not sure where
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Man: I’ve ALWAYS wanted to do stand up!
Me: I’ve ALWAYS wanted to get through a conversation with a man without him saying that!
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If it were called father earth people wouldn’t destroy it... they’d be like ooo daddy needs respect
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“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
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I hate doggy style but i love pigeon style, when we eat unhealthy trash together and then slowly hump on a tree
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Upgraded from a boyfriend who does magic to a boyfriend who does cocaine
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Recently asked a dude where he was from and 45 min later he still hadn’t gotten to the point this just proves NEVER ask a man a question
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Online dating is fun! For instance yesterday I went to meet a tinder date at a bar…spotted him and immediately clocked him as a “ghoulish creature” hid in the bathroom, unmatched him and waited until he left the premises to emerge from the ladies
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dude: lol you’re one of the guys
me: so u think I’m an idiot?
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My boyfriend cried the other night and I did the only thing u can do in that situation I took pictures of him
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I've replaced the phrase "I slept through my alarm this morning" with "my body rejected your company this morning"
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I am currently rewatching sex and the city, reading a book about sex and the city, and listening to a podcast about sex and the city. I think it’s safe to say, I’m white!
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People from LA will be like I’M SOBER except for ayahuasca pcp dmt weed xanax hardcore unprotected group sex but ya no wine for me thanks
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When someone is mean to you for no reason you GOTTA kill them with kindness not just because it’s the right thing to do but because it’s such a diabolical mindfuck
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dudes will be like don’t forget me when you’re famous and I’m like bro I don’t know who you are NOW
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some people are so sad on their Instagram with their hot pics and their cool friends. It’s like…I’ve met u and all these people and none of you are ever having fun lol
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Guys will be like ugh my girl talks during movies and the movie will be mall cop…
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~when death occurs~
Everyone: they’re in a better place
Me: word word ya u have the address?
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Theater school doesn’t necessarily turn you into a professional actor but it does turn you into a bisexual who likes to cry.
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Have been waiting SIX hours in line for a covid test I better be positive
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Guy airdropped me a dick pic so I air dropped him a picture of my period blood bc I luv 2 flirt
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2020 lockdown goals:
Write memoir, finish 6-7 screenplays, make money, look inward, find self, become star
*zero goals accomplished*
2022 lockdown goals:
Find sex in neighborhood
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Gotta love an EXTREMELY LOVING pandemic relationship that came outta NOWHERE
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just smoked a fat j of the famous "does everyone hate me???" strain
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when u drop 50 dollars on uti meds at Walgreens you get to steal three lipsticks
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feelin like Michelangelo sculpting david as I finally shave my pandemic puss
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If u haven’t started a podcast that no one will listen to during the pandemic....what...exactly are you doing lol??
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not a fan of softcore affirmations like “you are enough” and “love yourself” I much prefer hardcore ones like “come ON” and “just DO IT pussy”
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some dude said I was one of the guys and I was like never fucking insult me like that again ok
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Yoga is so boring these days...teachers will be like breathe in and then I’m like lemme fuckin guess breathe out right?? Snooooze fest
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I have body dysmorphia in the sense that I think I’m so much hotter than I actually am
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I have this bad habit of going outside once during my wfh day and spending 100 dollars on who the fucks to say
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My goal is to be really fun on the internet and really underwhelming in person
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One time a guy on tinder told me that he wanted to “own my little holes” way to assume my holes are little?? Last time I checked they were gapin’, ancient cavern style, echo chamber energy, cave drawings afoot, are u still down to own my infinite holes?
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A man in the audience came up to me after my comedy show and asked my favorite question “are u mentally ill?”
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When someone gets you a bad present it’s like...it’s the thought that counts...but you fucked up
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It's so rude when people assume you're an idiot because you're a woman. At least get to know me before you realize how stupid I am.
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Can’t believe there are hot people out there not owning it. Do they know they’re gonna die one day?? wtf
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I really know how to ruin the vibe during sex by being like hey this sucks
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If public speaking is the number one fear plz explain why every man I know is a stand up comedian
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~me exploring my moms bookshelf~
Mom: oh this ones great!
Me: whats it about?
Mom: a woman who goes on a bunch of diets and then dies
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I feel like part of finding a husband is facing the fact that a lot of people will say “her husband’s weird”
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Sometimes I pretend to be so wasted in boring conversations just so I can get out of them and hell yea the person thinks I’m an alcoholic but it’s worth it because I hate their story a lot
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I had sex with an anti vaxxer and looking back I TOO wish I had done more research
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If ur tinder profile reads “fluent in sarcasm” u r most definitely an idiot
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I’m excited to see Barbie for a third time in theaters and never see Oppenheimer till the day I die!
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Catcaller: How u doing sexy?
Me: Not great thanks for asking. I recently had to switch therapists because I lost my insurance. My dad’s rly sick & I’m worried. And between u and me I have this weird cyst on my thigh that my doctor says is harmless but I’m not so sure. How are u?
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U think ur insecure on social media?? I have four fake twitters that I exclusively use to like my main twitter
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