The electric chair for fish is a regular chair

So if SCOTUS gets to do mulligans on shit maybe we should get mulligans on like who is on the weird druid death council and for how long

I experience all five stages of grief every time I go pee :)

Dang teaching gets a really bad rap in the sayings department like no other profession. "You know what they say - if you suck shit, sell insurance!"

It's actually incredibly cute and vulnerable that our bluetooth devices take a moment to pair with our phones and stuff~

Sign up for my dang MAILING LIST ya heathens~ (I also give you free song if you do) https://t.co/UZrg2QO6Pt

Feel like not calling the toilet “the poop chair” was a big missed opportunity.

I gotta assume that the main reason most people become libertarians is because after they read The Fountainhead they're like, "Dang. All that time reading that big ol' book can't have been for nothing. Better make this my whole shit."

We just don’t talk about the alphabet song enough.

Just remembered that at age 19 I ordered business cards for myself that said "songwriter and bassist" on them. I paid easily over $100.

Omg I'm so excited to tell my kids I lived through the McConaissance <3

Chicken and waffles...shrimp cookie??

Are all podcast hosts my husbands and ex husbands??

Not sure if I’m impressed or disappointed with how quickly I’ve been able to drop my germaphobic tendencies since getting vaxxed~

If only my car ran on pee, then Big Drive would have nothing on me~

What if I like...forgot how to kiss?

If you fart while you’re laughing, that’s just your butt laughing along with you :)

DID YOU KNOW? You can be an addict AND a racist

reminder that literally every single generation of human is embarrassing

"I'm never lonely...PSYCH! Got you!!" (from an early draft of "Under the Bridge" by RHCP)