Liz Miele
@lizmiele
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Stand-up comic in NYC! New special “Murder Sheets” out April 2nd on youtube. Last 3 specials have 1M+ views + check out my book & podcast. All links ⤵️
Brooklyn, NY
Joined July 2009
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Pinned Tweet
My new special MURDER SHEETS premieres on youtube in 2 wks! Watch live w me Apr 2nd 9pm ET!
••
Til then SUBSCRIBE to my channel: , watch my last 3 specials & come c me do my newest hour on tour + the album version is on presale:
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I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
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They say New Yorkers are mean and unfriendly but we wear masks, we social distance, we stayed home without complaining. Where’s your southern kindness now?
Actions speak louder than words, no? I might call you a cunt but I would never endanger your grandma.
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My dad is 2 years older than my mom and he’s eligible for the vaccine but she isn’t. And my dad was like, “I’ll wait for you.” And she was like, “What are you crazy? This isn’t the Titanic. Go get the vaccine. You’re old!”
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Going off birth control has ruined my face. But I’m determined to fix it!
*
Joke from my 2nd album, “Mind Over Melee” Available on all the places you buy and listen to things.
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Being quarantined w/ my boyfriend has fast forwarded our relationship 40 years.
We are like two 70 year olds right now
We don’t have work
We have nowhere to go
All are friends are dead
What I’m trying to say is we had a fight about where the cashews were today
#CoronaVirusUpdates
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Yeah but do they give to charity?
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"If your morals are set and stuck in the 50s than maybe your technology should stay there too..."
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Dude after show: Jewish?
Me: No, just rock the look.
D: Puerto Rican?
Me: Nope, just like big earrings.
D: Middle eastern?
Me: Are you trying to figure out if you should hate me?
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I was in the middle of my joke about being scared to walk home alone in NYC at 2am when a heckler interrupted me to, I guess, agree?...Fun/weird interaction with heckler @
@deadcrowcomedy
in Wilmington, NC
Pic by
@Em_Donaghy
Video edited by Nate Notermann
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Thanks London! (This happened the night b4 I headlined. My fans r better ppl) But thank you to all who came last night! It was so fun! And thanks to
@MariaShehata
for opening &
@topsecretcomedy
for having me. Berlin this weekend. Then Stockholm, Geneva & Zurich. Tour US in April.
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Please give up your seat for pregnant women, old people, people with disabilities and cats who’ve had a long day napping in the sun
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**TRAILER** My new special “The Ghost Of Academic Future” premieres on YouTube Sept 6th @ 8pm ET! You can turn on notification reminder + pre buy the album on iTunes & Amazon.
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Just four people with six packs nailing a selfie. Thanks for coming out guys! And thanks Chicago!! Minneapolis tonight!
@harikondabolu
@TheAJMendez
@CMPunk
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Woah...my "cop manners" joke about a cop kicking my feet off the subway train eerily reminds me of the teen train arrest video going around. I was alone and terrified of cops so I put my feet down. But this is insane!!
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Hosting
@jedfoundation
podcast.1st eps w
@TheAJMendez
- ❤️d her book Crazy Is My Superpower & enjoyed our convo:
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Today marks 21 years of doing comedy. I could have never imagined as a teenage girl doing open mics that I would be where I am. I’m stupidly grateful I get to yell at strangers, talk about cats too much and travel the world doing it. Thank you to all that support what I do.
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All my albums were removed from Spotify bc we (comedians big & small) had the audacity to ask for money owed to us. I’m pretty much Taylor Swift now!
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Either everything is off limits or nothing is off limits. Comedy can’t exist in a “how you personally feel about the topic” world. To support
@dinahashem_
(a good comic) is to support the art of comedy. And all this PC shit is coming from hip hop fans? Do they not see the irony?
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52% of men don't believe they have benefitted from affordable birth control. 100% of woman have a new vetting question.
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Romance Porn (NSFW)
*
I think porn has only ruined men as much as romantic comedies have ruined women.
*
Second album “Mind Over Melee” available on all the things:
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Millennial Feminism: being able to live off your mom instead of your dad
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It’s with deep sadness that I announce the passing of my cat, Pasta.
•••••••••••••••
Pasta Miele, age 16, longtime resident of brooklyn, passed away Thursday in the arms of her mom, Liz.
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Every dude that has critiqued or attacked my appearance online has lead me to a profile of a man that looks like a gremlin that got hit by a bus. They are always as unattractive as their behavior.
I tell jokes about cats. I can’t fathom why you are so triggered. Grow up.
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Monday I saw 3 separate dudes in my hood running, drenched from the rain & I was like “I’m in a rom com right now.” 1 of these dudes is gonna be like, “Sara, I fucked up! It was always u!” & I’ll be like, “It’s Liz, but I accept!” (Bc even in fantasies I have low self esteem)
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I’m the
@serenawilliams
of dating! (If you watch this it will make sense) And come see me headline in DC
@bierbarondc
this weekend, 7:30 & 9:45 on May 24th & 25th! Tickets at
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I’m 100% Italian and it’s a problem. Why mixing of the races is good for your health. Check out my joke “Purity of Race Problems” from my 2nd album “Mind Over Melee.”
*
And if you’re in
#Sydney
come see my new hour “Self Help Me” this Saturday, Feb 9th @ 6pm @ The Comedy Store!
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I don’t think that’s ever happened before. It was scary, unnerving and i’m sad to say I mostly felt embarrassed. Like 21 years into being a performer this shouldn’t happen.
What I’ve learned at least for myself over the years is to first identify it and
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Election Day is just like Christmas but replace wishfully believing in Santa with democracy.
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I don’t know how to even say this. In a heartbreaking turn of events Tater Tots is no longer with us. He died Thursday Jan 20th of FIP (it’s a terminal virus with no cure) I’m shocked and so sad. He was only my baby for a month but he was the fucking best.
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Not every1 should b a mom. Just cause I have the ability doesnt mean I should. I have the ability 2 start fires. I dont bc its irresponsible
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My new parameter for if I take a gig or not is a single question I ask myself: “If I died on the way to this gig and someone found out how little I was being paid for how much work I was putting in, would I be embarrassed?” If the answer is yes, I now say no to gig.
#selfesteem
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UPDATE YOUR MORALS LIKE YOU UPDATE YOUR PHONE • Old joke, sadly always relevant concept.
#Blacklivesmatter
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I’m one of 5 kids. I perform nightly and travel the world. Do you understand the lengths I’ve gone to get attention when all my parents had to do was just not have my brothers?
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I’m dyslexic. It’s an invisible disability. I’m not looking for pity or for u to go out of your way for me. Like u don’t have to give me your seat on the train but if you see me reading a book...maybe say you’re proud of me. I’m struggling. I’ve been reading this for 6 months.
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If you like Brexit in the summer perhaps you like dictatorship in fall?
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I had a black boyfriend once tell me I had nice knees for a white person. Do I know what that means? No. Do I hold it to the highest regard? Yes. Do I see it? No. Do I stare at all white people’s knees now? Yes.
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I prefer telling people suicide runs in my family rather than mental illness cause it sounds less that we’re crazy and more that we’re just very decisive.
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I’m truly in disbelief but it’s with the heaviest heart that I share the passing of Revenge Abs Miele. While in Europe he started having trouble breathing. The vet discovered fluids in his chest, which lead to discovering a tumor & that he was positive for feline leukemia.
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Guys!!!! My new special hit half a million & my first hour I released on here in March hit a million. That’s all you guys! Thank you so much for watching, subscribing, sharing w friends and on social media, liking, commenting & buying the album version. This all means a lot and
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I’ve been on unemployment for 3 months & it’s the most consistent money I’ve ever made. I’m waiting for my bank to call: “Ms. Miele, there’s been some suspicious activity in ur account. Someone is depositing money weekly. Are you robbing tiny banks? We miss your overdraft fees.”
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This is one of my favorite bits. I wrote it a few years ago after back to back break ups where I was struggling with my emotions. Had
@justacomedyfan
add some ridiculous animation to the end and I think it adds a fun layer to my crazy.
Full video here:
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The naming of nail polish colors is too specific. It takes the opposite approach of horoscopes. One shade of pink is called, “Best Night Of Our Lives” and another similar shade is called “He Never Called Back.” That’s a big emotional gap for essentially the same color.
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Here’s a joke about a time I got so sad I found religion. Boys, heartbreak, crying on public transportation, onion analogies, parallel parking. This joke has everything!
*
From my last album “Mind Over Melee” - Full bit “God Has A Plan” here:
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1 year of CrossFit. Sadly trying to get back into the shape I was in when I was 12. I’m just realizing I peaked at 12. Also this is a lotta butt. I think I’m a butt model now. Comedian/cat enthusiast/1 post butt model. Still the weakest in class but I’m getting somewhere.
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Being a female comic is writing and performing a joke that murders and then a man, that’s not a comic, telling you how to make it better.
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In March I lost my cat, Revenge Abs unexpectedly to feline leukemia. And because I don’t drink I coped the only way I know how by adopting two kittens a month ago. Please welcome Lunchbox and Ghost. They are two of the sweetest, cuddliest, cutest cats I’ve ever had. 😻
#caturday
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Date: Smoke?
Me: No.
Date: Drink?
Me: No.
Date: Complain?
Me: Professionally.
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Today marks 20 years of doing stand up. March 28th 2002. I don’t have a lot of pictures from those first few years but here’s what I could find
***
Pic 1: My 1st headshot. 18 years old. I like to describe this look as innocent pirate. (A thread of teenage Liz pics)
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Every dude online is like “I love the outdoors. You can find me outdoors. Weekends are spent outdoors.” What are you a horse? I just bought a couch and it’s cold. I’m looking for an indoor man.
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I didn’t take my make up off at night for 15 years. Worse thing you can do for your skin. Only thing that made me start was a few years ago I read an article where Stevie Nicks said, “Even when I did heroin, I took my make up off every night.” And now I do both!
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Happy 13th birthday Pasta! For over 8 months she’s lived at my mom’s cat clinic making human & kitty friends & getting more attention than I could provide her while I’ve been traveling. It’s been hard not waking up 2 her biting me 4 no reason & her aggressive cuddling. I miss her
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My Pre Show Pep Talk:
I’ve done comedy before
This doesn’t matter
Nothing matters
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I feel like trying to find a partner after 30 is willingly accepting you are going to purchase a haunted house no matter what. And don’t get me wrong, I’m ok with a fixer upper but no one has the time or the budget for an exorcist.
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DUDES DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR EYELASHES. Joke from my 2nd album. Enjoy! And come see me on tour starting In February:
Montreal
Toronto
San Antonio
Houston
Atlanta
Paris
London
Berlin
Stockholm
Geneva
Switzerland
Baltimore
Tickets available at
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Yay! It’s been a year since I released my special “Self Help Me” It has over 900k views! Thanks for watching, sharing & supporting my work! Enjoy this joke about cat abortions (full joke on my special on YouTube) & please come see me live. Dates at
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I found my first grey hair last week. I didn’t know what to do so I plucked it and put it in an envelope and mailed it to my mom. Hoping she mails me $2 or like a target gift card. I don’t know how the aging fairy works but I expect to be compensated for my loss.
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Pornhub is the other 85%
Netflix accounts for 15% of the entire world's internet traffic.
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I was walking home @ 1am & a guy passing me asks, “Do you live in this neighborhood?” I said nothing & kept walking. Then he yelled “Why u scared?”
Here is a list of questions u can ask me as I walk home alone at 1am:
U can ask me nothing! I’m scared cause you don’t know that
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Today is my birthday! How you can help me celebrate:
1. Watch my new special “Self Help Me” I self produced and self released it. It's free at (And If you enjoy, please send to friends!)
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Headlining this Saturday (quarter capacity, 2 shows, 7:45 almost sold out) in Norwalk, CT @ Pinstripes
••
This joke is from my new special “Self Help Me” and was animated by the amazing Giedre Domzaite (full joke on youtube)
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2019 memories: here’s a pic of your ex you thought you deleted
2020 memories: here’s a pic of a vacation you didn’t know was your last
2021 memories: here’s a pic of the corner of the room you liked best
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I like gift giving but not Christmas. It’s too much pressure. Shopping for kids is easy but adults…it’s like how do u shop for people that have money & are still unhappy?
There’s nothing I can buy for my dad in my budget that’s gonna change his discontent in how we turned out.
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What’s it like to be a female comic!? Well this joke was from my first tv appearance on Comedy Central 13 years ago and I think it still holds up.
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One of my best friends & truly one of the funniest people I know
@CarmenComedian
is filming her first special June 26th
@ComedyCellarUSA
Village Underground location in NYC. I’ll be there and you should too. Ticket link at
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Why isn’t the definition of “rape fantasy” when you kill your rapist? And how quickly can this become a new porn category?
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Happy sweet 16 to this princess!!! She’s still kicking and annoying as ever.
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I use to be attracted to comedians. Now it’s literally my number one red flag.
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My first ever book comes out a month from today! I’m so excited! It’s a deep dive into why cats are the way they are. It’s funny, it’s silly, it might teach you some shit. I dunno but I’m proud of it! Book is currently on pre sale here:
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In two weeks it will be a year since I released my special “self help me” help me reach a million views by sharing it with friends!
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Sad today. Abs would have been one today. He was nuts but the funniest kinda nuts. May you be with all the plants you murdered having a grand ole time together. 🔪🌱
**
Grateful my brother, Sam made this for me.
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Lyft driver in Charlottesville: Oh, you’re working The Southern, you a musician?
Me: Comedian
LD: What’s your act like?
Me: I never know how to answer that question
LD: What’s the gist? Are you a man hater? System hater?
Me: Oh, I mostly hate myself.
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My cat pulled my body out of the burning building with her teeth but I lost my whole family. Now I live in a studio apt with the cat who saved my life and who’s piercing stare everyday reminds me of the family I lost.
But that didn’t happen. I just have tum tum issues.
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Pasta would have been 17 today. I miss my aggressively needy, outfit tolerating, cuddle buddy. She was the best!
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I got a hair cut. I think I now look like a young cop trying to make a name for herself on the force. Thanks to my brother Sammy for both playing a dead body & the sergeant & Pasta for being Pasta.
New tour dates posted on my site. Just added Brooklyn June 5th. Limited capacity
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Headlining this weekend at City Steam in Hartford, CT! Come out! Tix here:
*
This joke is on my first album “Emotionally Exhausting” (last 10 secs trimmed off cause Twitter sucks) Check it out wherever you buy or stream stuff!
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Uber driver: You travel a lot?
Me: Yeah
UD: I use to travel a lot. Must be single
Me: I…am
UD: She cheated on me. I don’t blame her. She needed companionship. She needed help w/the kids. She needed a friend. Oh check out downtown! They have great restaurants. I can give you recs
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Guys! I’m headlining in Princeton, NJ this weekend and in Seattle, San Fran, and LA, all in the next few weeks. Visit my site and get tickets now!
••
This joke is about both my parents being veterinarians. It’s on my first album “Emotionally Exhausting”
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I don’t drink. I stopped drinking about 5 years ago because of bad stomach issues. But people don’t wanna hear that. They wanna hear that I had a problem, that I hit some extreme bottom. (1)
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I went to my best friend’s bachelorette party and she had 16 women in her bachelorette party. That’s too many people. A football team only has 11 players on the field. Why do you need more support than the Giants, Amanda?
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I feel like brunch is the church of the millennial. It’s something to get you out of the house on a Sunday and it costs 10% of your income.
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Aw dude. LA!! Fuck, you came through. I was scared for a second. What a fun show, at an awesome venue, and my first marquee that I totally acted cool about. Thanks to everyone who came & helped spread the word. What an amazing end to my little west coast tour! Truly grateful!
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I’m not great at first dates. I think the issue is I’m trying to find out too much. Like every first date I’m thinking,
“Will I have a friendly divorce with this man?”
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