elaine
@lainewrites
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novelist, essayist, fantasist rep’d by @ceciliaclyra | IG: literaryelaine
nyc
Joined August 2010
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if someone likes your writing, chances are they will like a lot of the other stuff you like and share. our writing reflects our values and tastes. it's not possible to like someone's writing without being drawn to some part of their ethos.
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a friend said you can't eliminate the grief of heartache, but you can fill your life with good things until the grief appears small in comparison to all the joy in your life
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used to think it was an introvert thing, but now i’m convinced that when you feel drained after a social event it’s bc you weren’t comfortable being yourself w the ppl you were with.
it’s super energy-consuming to suppress a part of you or be anyone other than yourself.
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i used to think it was only worth traveling to places i’ve never been. but cities are like people. once you fall in love with one, you can never get sick of it. returning to a city after many years is like visiting an old friend: you remember all the good times and see them anew.
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the best time to write is when you have the seed of an idea but don't know what you want to say yet, or you're moved by a feeling but don't know how to express it, bc writing is a process of discovery & crystallization
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have come to realize i don't want complexity in love. i want security and stability so that i have the energy to pursue complexity in other areas of my life.
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it must be one of the great tragedies of life that we show our very worst to the people we love most
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it's pretty incredible how terrified we are of seeming needy or inconveniencing our friends, and yet, on the other end, we have an intrinsic desire to help and be useful to those we love.
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friend has a theory that the more peculiar you are as a person the harder it is for someone to break up with you
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genuinely curious: why are some people susceptible to love bombing while others become less interested the more love and attention they receive?
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waking up to this from my hotel window makes me feel like i’m in a scifi movie
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convinced everyone has the potential to become very good at anything they really enjoy doing, and knowing this is really empowering
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just realized the key to happiness in this day and age is to know when to stop optimizing
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at stripe's annual conference, jensen huang said (paraphrasing): "loving your job doesn't mean you're happy with it every day / anything worth doing will bring you pain & suffering."
every asian person in the audience: he sounds like my dad.
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there’s something really beautiful about having conviction that someone is right for you without feeling the need to know them for a certain amount of time or date other ppl to find out
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a few books that have had a profound impact on my thinking over the last 12-18 months
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my new approach to dating is to maximize the chances of making new friends. bc why would you date someone you can't be great friends with?
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self-knowledge is so powerful. it baffles me when people are content with not knowing what they want. *you* are your biggest project in life. how can you not be intensely interested in figuring yourself out?
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something magical happens when you expect someone to be angry/upset, but instead, they are understanding & sympathetic. reminds me that grace is a gift anyone can bestow.
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i think the key to overcoming an addiction to something that's not inherently bad (e.g. food, tv, love, sex) is to fill your life with other activities you enjoy rather than to restrict or eliminate the thing you're addicted to
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convinced there is a strong connection between weirdness and joy. children are extemely weird but lose their weirdness as they grow up bc they were made to feel shame/embarrassment.
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a big part of job satisfaction is feeling like your skills are being leveraged to their full extent. everything else follows. if you have natural talent in an area where you're forced to play a supporting role, it can be v demoralizing.
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if your goal is to feel content with you life, the key is to figure out what's really important and which tradeoffs are acceptable—and to *truly accept them*—instead of constantly trying to optimize and do better
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a measure of how psychologically safe a social group is is whether it feels relaxing to be silent (you feel accepted by default) or whether you feel pressured to say something (you have to earn your acceptance)
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a huge mindset shift for me was recognizing that conflict is a natural part of social life. having a conflict with someone doesn't mean that you're wrong or they're wrong or that there's necessarily even a problem.
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99% of the time when someone ghosts you (at work, in life) it's bc they're imagining a difficult conversation they don't want to have (the other 1% is bc they're actually busy)
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learning to accept rejection in work, love, and friendship is so important. it’s never worth fighting against. no matter how disappointing or even unfair it feels, everyone has the right to say no.
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it's actually really hard to know what you want. often people confuse what they want with what they want to want, with what other people want.
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some people date aimlessly, to “discover” themselves. they risk hurting others who are more certain about what they want.
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it’s so refreshing (but increasingly rare) to hear someone say: totally understand if this isn’t what you’re looking for, but i really like you and want to explore a connection. would you go on a date with me?
that's putting skin in the game.
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when writing on the internet feels pointless and a bit like shouting in a nightclub, i think about the times i’ve read a tweet or a post that made me feel a little less alone and how that could be my words for someone else
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the curse of being friends with a writer is that you will inevitably see yourself in their writing in some shape or form, whether they intended it or not
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a non-trivial number of people who are single and dating subconsciously likes being single or is getting something valuable from being single even though they *think* they want a relationship
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many people think they don't have enough friends and spend a lot of time looking for new friends in new places when what they really need is to deepen relationships with existing friends
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so i'm realizing that friendship is everything. well, not *everything*, but the foundation of all important relationships, even family.
if you think ab it, the ppl who are very close to their parents/siblings describe their relationships as similar to friendship.
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if you don't treat your romantic partnership as the end-all, be-all of relationships, and instead, see it as one of many meaningful relationships you'll form in your lifetime, you can have both passion and stability, familiarity and novelty. (link in bio)
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shared interests & chemistry aside, what does it mean to be a good friend? realized the qualities i most value in a friend are the same ones i value in a partner (more in link in bio)
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there's joy in accepting that you're mediocre at something. when i accepted that i'm not going to be great at rock climbing, i felt all this internal pressure & frustration release. now i enjoy it so much more.
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i think a fear of commitment (to a person, job, activity, etc) is a fight against time. once you accept the limits of time, you begin to appreciate the power and choice you have to fill your sliver of it with meaning. why would you not exercise that choice?
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working on yourself in order to get someone to fall for you assumes that love can be earned. everyone is worthy of love, but no one is owed it. what makes love so powerful is that it doesn’t need justification.
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hosted my first-ever dinner party and realized i forgot what it’s like to laugh—like *really* laugh—at a party. most parties involve talking, playing games, drinking/eating, maybe singing/dancing, but laughing so hard you get bellyaches? there’s no better way to bond.
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i wonder if jealousy is actually a feeling toward yourself—a denial of the potential in you—disguised as a feeling toward someone else. if you weren’t in denial of your own potential you would feel inspired rather than jealous.
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had an amazing personal revelation in
@crystalxduan
's salon: to get more "main character energy" I need to let go of my "narrator energy" in which I constantly need to know/control what's going to happen in my life
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imagine if people dating actually said what they actually wanted?
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you look at people differently when you realize that the qualities you most dislike about them are the qualities you're most ashamed of in yourself
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probably the most important thing i’ve learned about relationships is that everyone needs both closeness and space. every relationship is a negotiation between the two.
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the wisdom of my friends: women are socialized to hide their crazy, so it doesn’t come out until later in the relationship. as for men — what you see is what you get.
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this is so true it hurts. in our quest to find love, we’re battling ourselves: the obstacles are self-manifested. finding love is a process of learning to see yourself clearly and taking responsibility for your actions and impact. (excerpt from the truth by neil strauss)
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it can't be overstated how important it is to assume good intentions when trying to resolve conflict in a relationship. it gives you a head start in getting to a better place with the other person.
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a person can simultaneously desire connection and fear it, which is why they might behave in ways that are inconsistent (e.g. words don't match their actions or they say contradictory things)
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the books/music/movies you're embarrassed to like are probably the ones that reveal the most about you -- they speak to a fundamental part of you that you've learned to reject & hide from the world
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theory: people who are noncommital with romantic relationships tend to also be noncommital in other areas of their life.
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the problem with dating is that we've been trained by our culture to perceive beauty & attractiveness pretty narrowly. so everyone goes for the same type of person, resulting in lots of choice for the tiny few and chronic mismatch for the vast majority.
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figuring out your values and what you want is the most important thing you could do to improve your relationships. so many ppl flounder in relationships that are dissatisfying and end up wreaking havoc on others bc they have no idea what they want.
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post-thxgiving, been thinking a lot about what it means to be a good host. the best hosts i know bring ppl together and then fade into the background and let ppl make their own connections. good hosts are rarely the center of attention.
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i think if you're romantically attached to someone, it's existentially important to have something else in your life that you care more about and ideally have more control over
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there's no perfect parent, no perfect friend, no perfect partner. my therapist said this today, and i felt a giant wave of relief. we're all going to be fine.
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being able to initiate difficult conversations and to deliver bad news with care and poise without sugarcoating it is such an important relationship skill
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i really like people who are unapologetically themselves. whether we get along is less about their personality and interests, more about how fully they embody themselves.
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spent yesterday walking around the city without carrying a bag/purse. it felt so freeing just swinging my arms! is this how most men feel?
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you can’t convince someone to love you. the more you try, the less likely you’ll succeed because ppl want to feel like they’re choosing from their own free will.
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i think a lot of misbeliefs stem from having a strong emotional reaction and then coming up with a narrative to justify the emotion
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i find anger to be a productive emotion if channeled properly. anger contains shades of hope: you wouldn't feel angry if you didn't think something can and should be done.
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i used to live in the future—constantly planning what's next, only doing things that would serve a future purpose. as a result i've been living "fast." in 2023, i want to drastically slow down time.
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trying not to second guess how i respond to texts or slack messages. “send and forget it” is how i want to operate rather than “send, mull over it, project their reaction, second guess myself.”
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love is a choice, not a feeling
in the spirit of this arbitrary season, i wrote some thoughts (link in bio)
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every time i held back from expressing how i felt was bc i wanted to seem chill when i really wasn't. i wanted to be the type of person who would be cool with you doing xyz. but i wasn't. now i don't hold back & as a result, i'm so much more secure in myself & my relationships.
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life is a series of negotiations between conflicting desires. i want creative freedom & i want to afford a nice apartment. have decided the most important thing money can buy me now is time, specifically, the time to write. (link in bio)
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one of the easiest ways to cause unnecessary strife in a relationship is to draw conclusions about the other person based on your limited view without attempting to engage and clear a potential misunderstanding
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introvert's fallacy: assuming the other person has too much awesomeness going on in their life to care whether you show up to their party or not
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really into this idea that the body can be more rational than the mind bc it's not susceptible to thinking traps. so how do you learn to quiet your thoughts and listen to your body?
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the fastest way to find your style or your "voice" in any creative endeavor is through imitation. by forcing yourself into a mold, you will naturally want to break out in very particular ways.
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everyone looks for smth different in a partner, but i think the most universally important trait is adaptability bc the only thing you can be sure of is that there will be bumps in the road, and you need someone who can handle whatever life throws at you.
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problem w dating apps is it relieves us of the burden of making the explicit ask “will you go out with me?” which means it becomes really cheap to engage—there’s less at stake, less to lose, more room for ambiguity
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friend has a theory that true extroverts spend their time being curious about other people and not worrying about how they're perceived by those people.
so i guess my inner child is an extrovert.
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being late is often the result of trying to save time by not being early and having to wait. but now i love sitting in that liminal space of waiting for people. there’s so much to read, so much to observe, so much to reflect on.
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a dynamic that often happens w/ couples: one person makes an emotional appeal and the other person counters with logic & reason, which doesn't give their partner the reassurance they're looking for, and the convo goes in circles bc they're talking on different planes.
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ppl often forget that language is an imperfect tool & words have to be interpreted. so when you disagree w someone you’re disagreeing w your interpretation of their words which may or may not be their intention.
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optimism requires some amount of self-delusion, and i’m a big believer in it, as it’s helped me get through so many hard times
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i think most ppl approach conflict with an automatic instinct to defend themselves / prove the other person wrong, which makes it worse. the key to resolving conflict is to accept the possibility that the other person’s pov is equally valid.
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there are 2 types of conversations w strangers: either very surface-level bc you know you won't see each other again or crackling w intensity bc you know you won't see each other again
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makes me want to tell everyone who’s complaining about being single (including myself at one point), “stop complaining. admit you love it!!!”
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i’m sure it’s been said before, but it’s so true it bears repeating: all great art breaks convention in some way, but what a lot of people don’t understand is that you have to learn the rules and learn them well before you can break them
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therapy is basically a process of learning how to listen to yourself better
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no one will value you more than you value yourself, which is why you should never tie your sense of self-worth to a single identity, group or job. (it was so uncomfortable writing this, but i’m glad i did — link in bio)
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the less you care about a particular topic, the more exhausting it is to talk about it. to have better conversations, it’s important to ask genuine questions.—you have to really want to know the answers.
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that purity if faith is so rare. we’re plagued by indecision, choice overload, fear of settling, fear of commitment, fear of missing out.
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7 weeks of acting class has taught me that acting is about not acting
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the written word has a way of seducing us to write something that sounds beautiful but isn’t entirely truthful. when i write i’m constantly fighting the urge to distort the truth. i think it was hemingway who said to write well you have to have a strong bullshit detector.
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stopped and smelled the flowers on my run today
i used to keep running if i spotted something interesting, not wanting to interrupt my momentum or thinking i’d go back later, but i’m learning to make space for those fleeting things you might not see again
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as an introvert, i tend to assume my thoughts & feelings are apparent to others, while my extroverted friends don't and therefore express themselves more explicitly. being aware of this has helped so much in my relationships.
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i absolutely loved the latest essay from
@noampomsky
's bookbear express. been thinking a lot about the importance of being intentional about who you choose as friends, and this beautiful essay made a compelling case for it.
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you can tell a lot about a person by the questions they ask—on first dates and in life, generally
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capitalism rewards charisma and intelligence often at the expense of group harmony. we severely undervalue the ability to work well with others.
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finding just one job/partner/agent doesn’t seem like it should be hard (you only need one yes!), but paradoxically this singularity is precisely what makes it hard
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the more narrowly you define success, the more narrow your achievements. success is more about recognizing an unforeseen opportunity than checking off a set of requirements.
(something i've consistently learned from college applications to job hunting to writing a book.)
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someone i interned with 12 summers ago reached out to tell me he enjoys my writing and i should keep at it. he didn't have to do it (like, we haven't talked for 12 yrs), but he did, and it made my day 🥹
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i'm constantly in awe of friendships. when a friend does something to show me love, i am so overwhelmed by appreciation. it can't be taken for granted. it's never owed. the ability to love without obligation is beautiful & rare.
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