Kenny Sebastian
@knowkenny
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Comedian. Writer. Been cheering people up since 2010. Youtube: Discord :
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Joined April 2013
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Last Seen Profiles
Pinned Tweet
New stand up clip is out!
An excerpt from my Netflix Comedy Special “The Most Interesting Person in the Room” !
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So some fake screenshots of me are circulating where I appear to be abusing people. These are manipulated cause I reported an account who was attacking me cause of my religion.I will be approaching the
@MumbaiPolice
to get this investigated. Please don’t pay heed to any of these.
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Not surprising that the airline banned an individual to show “we take a stand against wrong doing.”
It’s always been happening, comedians are soft targets. What’s Kunal gonna do? Make some phone calls and endanger the people who banned him?
Nah, only politicians do that.
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Someone has to say it but women are the worst at flirting. Oh my god.
The tragedies I have heard when I am in public places.
“Hi.”
“Umm hi?.”
“Heheheheheh so your girlfriend just lets you be out in public by yourself?”
“I don’t have a girlfriend.”
“Heheheheheh oh really?.”
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One of the most beautiful things to experience in life is when you approach a street dog and say the warmest “hey there cutie” you can... to see the dog go from “don’t hurt me” to “oh you are a friend” & wag its tail.
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How to write superhero movie:
1.Give hero incredible-reality-bending-mind-altering powers.
2.Give evil villain even more outrageous-earth-shattering-powers.
3.Put off two jokes.
4. In climax, punch each other instead of using powers.
5. Hero wins by punching more.
The end.
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I know it’s gross but I love having dandruff so I keep fluffing my hair aimlessly when I am working so it falls on my laptop keyboard.
I look at it and get grossed out and wipe my keyboard clean.
I repeat the process till the dandruff supply is over.
Usually it never is.
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I think I made my point.
Also what can I add to this conversation when the most common rebuttel is “banning these apps is a very strong action.”
Really.
Strong action?
A piece of code to restrict access vs what’s happening at our borders.
That’s the standard for strong action?
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stop cherry picking instagram quotes to self diagnose & celebrate your shortcomings.
anything online that comforts your level of immaturity is bad for you.
go to a therapist or a medical professional.
quotes with pictures of flowers & badly drawn humans aren’t life lessons.
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Two years of therapy.
It’s a massive privilege that I get to do it for mental hygiene.
I equated it to going to the gym but for my mind.
My therapist has guided me to such amazing self improvements.
It’s one of my favourite aspects of life.
#WorldMentalHealthDay
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Making someone laugh and realising that they completely forgot what a bad day they were having is frankly the closest I come to feeling like a superhero.
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Joaquin Phoenix (yes, I googled his name to make sure the spelling is correct) is so good in the ‘Joker’ that I am worried for his mental health.
Like damn man, you don’t have to do so much acting also. Like please take a break, smile and let people hug you a little bit.
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Man, Buddhists would be so pissed if they knew how the word “enlighten me” is the most sarcastic insult thrown around on twitter.
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Tik tok situation:
People forget that if they can do it to someone else they can do it to you.
Also applies to arrests, internet access, rights as a citizen & yeah banning something on the App Store.
Feeling apathy cause it doesn’t affect you directly is prehistoric behaviour.
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I have seen more people argue against feminism than FREAKING RAISINS IN BIRYANI.
DRIED GRAPES WITH RICE IS OKAY BUT EQUALITY ? Ohohohoho
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This is terrible.
Thankfully India isn’t headed towards any such concentration camps or detention centers. Right?
She is a student, I mean only a horrible communist government would harm its bright students...right?
I mean the argument is “I will not be affected.” Right?
She is my sister, her name is Aygul Ablet, and she is a master student in clinical medicine at Xinjiang Medical University. I recently learned that my sister was arrested in a concentration camp in 2018. I protest against the Chinese government ’s gross abuse of human rights.
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There was a period when people experienced things instead of reacting with a review in their heads.
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When you are in a bad situation in life.
Don’t take advice from some comedian on twitter.
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Just 10 years ago, you could take a negative to a photo studio and have your photos developed.
I miss the days when negativity produced memories.
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People who are toxic are very good at normalising their behaviour.
Yelling? Well I do this with my family & friends all the time.
Being demeaning to you? Hey I was in a bad mood,sorry.
Stalking you,threatening you for information? I am just so passionate about you.
RUN! NOW!
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Chris Pratt and Anna Faris separated.
There is no love.
I am breaking my fixed deposits.
There is no point anyway.
To anything.
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Saw this really cute girl & went up to her to say hi.
She giggled & I got really happy.
She said “my boyfriend is a huge fan”.
#BURNNNNNN
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I dunno how to read.
I have navigated through life just by staring at things and hoping it will automatically work.
Wait, what did you type... GOD! I have to read things comprehensively before I tweet to my 1.7 million followers?
What am I? Responsible or something?
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My favourite part about tweeting against certain ideologies on twitter is that the sane people comment “why all this, no point talking to them.”
It’s sweet but you have to macha.
Otherwise, nicely their voices will get louder & regress the very freedom we take for granted.
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I want a girl who will watch blue planet with me & hold my hand a little tighter as we learn an amazing new fact about nature narrated to us by David Attenborough.
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The trailer for my Netflix stand up special “The Most Interesting Person in the Room” is here!
Releasing on May 29th globally on Netflix! Mark it on your “alert me” tab on your app :)
Ps: Reply with the comment of your fondest memories of your chappal.
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I love stand up comedy.
I love the stage.
I love people who love to laugh.
I love people who ask if you have eaten.
I love the breeze.
Dogs.
Chai made by my mom.
My dad explaining something.
Missing my friends.
Reaching out without looking and a loving hand grasping it.
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Comments on YouTube.
"Indian comedians not as good as Seinfeld,Ck, Dave".
Dear IT Guy, Ur presentation skills are not as good as Steve jobs.
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My favourite part about K3G is that Shahrukh immediately falls for Kajol & gets married. Most movies end at that point while here it begins.
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The best compliment I get on my videos are worded as an insult.
“NO WAY this was improvised. It’s all scripted! “
No buddy. It was on the spot.
I am...
just...
that...
good.
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The worst advice you can get is “it’s not that bad, you will get used to it.”
HELLO YOU CAN GET USED TO JAIL ALSO!
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If a pencil can live with the fact it will never be fully utilised till it’s last edge but still tries to be the best god damn pencil you have ever drawn with...you can get through today.
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Thank you
@AGirlOfHerWords
for coming forward & speaking out.
I am sorry that anyone had to go through what Utsav put them through & this behavior is just not acceptable.
The burden is now on us men and I’m committed to learning and being better.
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You are my moon.
Not because you are pretty & shine bright.
But because you exert just the right amount of influence on me to spin at the right angle and be stable enough for a long and successful life.
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Goal of life as a teenager:
Be rich & successful.
Goal of life at 28:
Recognise & articulate my feelings to people I care about effectively.
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The irony is , the most talented & intelligent friends I have are the most critical about starting new ventures or careers.
The not so bright bunch are already closer to achieving their dream cause they had the courage to put themselves out there & learn from their mistakes.
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Kindness and peace.
That is the side I am on.
Staying quiet as horrible people divide, spread communal hate and profit off other people’s misfortune is wrong.
If you are ever wondering why anyone chooses to speak against what’s going on in our country right now, it’s for this.
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It’s really hard to talk to someone wearing sunglasses cause bro how will I make eye contact & look into your soul to predict when you will betray me.
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At age 27, I know less about love than when I was 19.
I want to get wiser not more humbled.
I THOUGHT BY NOW I WOULD BE MASTER OOGWAY LEVEL OF LOVE EXPERT!
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Most parents want a good relationship with their kids.
I am way too cool for my kids to be friends with me.
I mean, please. They are such losers.
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When someone you love rejects you. Remember, it isn't your fault.
If a dog rejects you, PLEASE CHANGE YOU HORRIBLE HUMAN BEING.
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I am extremely disturbed.
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I was riding my bike in mumbai and stopped at a signal.
A guy in an auto asked me what the mileage and the weight of my bike was.
When I told him, he disagreed and told me the correct mileage and weight of MY OWN FREAKING BIKE.
Men have next level confidence bro.
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This was 7 years ago, When I did music full time.
Near Mg Road in Bangalore.
My then girlfriend,my still best friend Jason came to supprt me.
Jason still supports me 🙂
Met a lot of amazing people along the way who helped shape the performer I am today.
End of emotional rant.
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I was gonna write something insightful but realised that the goal is to stay away from shitty people instead of trying to change them with ‘quotes’.
Never try to change people. Also never try to feed a whale a burger, it’s sensitive about its weight.
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Guy in comment section : You fucking suck balls! This is shit, anyone who likes this is insane.
You: No, you fucking suck.
Guy in comment section: HAWWWWWW! YOU CAN’T TAKE CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM????!!!!!!!!???????
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My cousin once during my summer break taught me how to draw a superhero, a friend in 10th grade helped me shoot my first video & my dad told me I did a great impression of a priest as a kid...
A degree in painting, 180 videos & 5 one hour specials later,Glad all that happened.
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Wow now
@YouTubeIndia
is also trolling me.
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Just ate some home cooked food made by mom.
Basically all u need to be happy in life is provided to you in the first 10 years of your life.
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Thank you everyone for wishing me happy 1 million on Twitter :) Very sweet pa all of you 😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘
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Anytime you have a low day.
Watch the cartoons you grew up watching at night.
Helps.
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It's very cute how people in America protest and all for their rights.
The government listens also.
So cute.
Free speech & all.
Cute :)
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Wearing a blazer while you sit in economy is like wearing a sherwani to buy vegetables from the street vendor.
“GHUM HO GAYE HO KYA?”
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I saw you fighting every troll with a lot of vigour. Please don’t be stressed.
I like to come on twitter once in a while and question the usual fascist agendas that float around & let it simmer to boil.
Please sleep :)
One day at a time,make people question their blind beliefs
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Girl, if I am on a date with you and while eating food, I offer you some food...
If you say "half-half" cutely.
Boom.
I am yours.
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Check out my latest stand up video where I talk about WHY I don’t do jokes on politics!
Hope you guys like it, please like & share :)
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When I was in the 6th standard, I remember hanging out with a bunch of ‘cool older’ kids.
They asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up...I confidently said ‘Acting’.
They laughed at me. Like , straight up movie scene mocking type.
Kindly don’t laugh at peeps dreams k?
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If you are scared of failing.
Be scared of success as well.
Because true failure is failing at being scared of failing at success.
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A gunshot is usually followed by a victim.
A fart is usually followed by a ‘Cheeeeeee’.
Goodnight.
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Congrats on getting so many likes on your tweet :)
Next time tag me no, you will get more attention to the attempts at “jokes” on your TL.
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Fact: if you post a workout video on Instagram, some shirtless dude will DM you & say “you are doing it wrong bro”.
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When I flirt:
Her: You look nice.
Me: heh you too.
Her: I am saying you’re cute.
Me: hehe *starts sweating heavily* you too.
Her: Like I find you really attractive-
Me: Gurblegurblegurble *floating in pool of own sweat*
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People who make Hakka noodles at home are flexing at another level.
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Even if I am alone at home, closing the bathroom door while pooping is vital cause the subtle breeze originating from the living room makes my butt cheeks clench.
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Can't sleep?
Do something very very important.
Something you definetly should be awake for.
Sleep achieved.
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It’s insane how sweet the followers of my work are.
I get random messages like “hope you have a good day, please smile a lot & know that we love you for who you are”.
Like you took time out from your day to tell me that *mind blown but in gentle warm way*
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Remember guys!
Don’t play the victim. If you can conveniently blame people, work & circumstances as to why your life is horrible,then it’s probably you.
You are better than that.
Everyone is dealing with things, atleast figure the best way to go through them.
Or just whine.
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It’s simple. Any food that’s crunchy is tasty + entertaining.
Boiled potato.Yuck. French Fries. Yes.
Uncooked papad.Yuck. Fried papad. Ya.
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It takes the same effort to look up song lyrics as it is to look up mental health articles.
So do it off. Learn off something. Keep improving yourself. Eat some snacks also.
Samosa is bad though.
Which is a shame cause it’s the perfect snack.
Like me.
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I saw Leila and Super Deluxe in the same week.
I am overwhelmed by how storytelling can be reinvented so effortlessly!
It’s a great time for content in India , so glad to be able to witness it!
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I want to get a puppy and raise him like a human.
So when I return him to the wild he is going to be weird as hell.
———————
Wild dog: Yo why you pooping like that?
My human dog: Jesus Justin! Close the door.
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Happy Rakshabandhan to all my sisters! Requesting women to get on a motorcycle & throw rakhis around for mass brother conversion!
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If your friend is dating someone who is literally destroying the fibre of their mental and physical well being, Tell them not to fall for the “Tragic backstory.”
Bad behaviour and disrespecting happens in the present, there is no magic justification cause they can’t grow up. ✌️
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Guy: I am a mallu, great comedy!
Me: thanks!
G: So glad u are a Malayali!
M: why?
G: finally a cool mallu!
M: that's technically an insult.
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Saw Deadpool 2.
Really had fun. So funny & refreshing!
Wasn’t as special for me as the first one but so glad to be alive in a time where such a different superhero movie gets to be a summer blockbuster release.
Lot of gore and super dark jokes. Just what a family needs.
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It’s not twitter if someone doesn’t call you a rice bag convert :)
Actually I learned a lot from “the placard guy” who apparently fights for causes but doesn’t hesitate to be a bigot.
I had to google what “rice bag” means.
Sorry Madhur that I follow a particular religion.
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Never feel bad for a parasite.
A parasite will feed on you & make you feel like you are one with them.
It’s convincing cause they are literally latching on to you.
If you are smart & get rid of them, They will find a new host & repeat the process.
Don’t be a fool & empathise.
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Afraid to Snapchat today cause I am wearing the same Tshirt from yesterday.
People judging me vs extreme comfort & laziness.
Hmmm.
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Relative: Wow you look a lot like your father!
Me: hehe.
Relative to dad: You should wear a wig & be the new Kenny!
Me: hehehe.
Relative: You have a huge female following right?
Me: hehehehe.
Relative to dad: You should go meet girls as Kenny HAHAH!
Me: WHATTHEHELLAREYO-
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Bum bum bole, Masti mein dole.
That’s all I have to say.
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When you are on a date and she starts talking about her ex for 2 hours as she tears up!
#YoKeHuaBro
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Today, I bargained.
—————————
Me: buddy give me a good price for all this stuff huh ? *smiling like a dumbass*
Store guy: 5% discount.
Long painful pause.
*Takes debit card out immediately and realises that I can’t bargain more.*
Me: Cool.
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I realised after a huge heart ache, like superman my energy source comes from dogs.
So when I sit with a dog for hours, it literally recharges me.
If I get a dog, I might over charge and explode.
Moral of the story is don’t overdose on drugs friends.
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The first 12 hours I got only positive comments on twitter from my super sweet supportive peeps but it obviously didn’t trend or get shared.
Found a 6 day old tweet that was trolling me before the special even released.
Retweeted it & boom, trending! Twitter thrives on hate 🤷🏽
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Yes, that’s why at the end of my shows everyone is naked in the auditorium.
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I don’t think I am super adventurous.
The max adventurous I have been is pressing backspace for too long and watching in horror as the speed of words being deleted increases exponentially.
It goes from one letter at a time to “parts of history have been permanently erased.”
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Guys I want to be Miss India cause if i am Mr India no one will see me.
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"You got it too easy!"
"You don't deserve this!"
"You will always be a result of favouritism!"
What street dogs tell pet dogs everyday.
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