kelly oxford
@kellyoxford
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Director. Screenwriter. NYT bestselling author. huge fan of your work. She/her Instagram: kellyoxford
Los Angeles, CA via Edmonton
Joined March 2009
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어린이날
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こどもの日
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#HAPPYBAEKHYUNDAY
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#해피큥데이
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GW最終日
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#기다리던_민족대명절_큥탄일
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Al Jazeera
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Vlad
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#HappySkyDay
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Bernard Hill
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Cole Palmer
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سعد اللذيذ
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Theoden
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Gallagher
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Madueke
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Sodoma e Gomorra
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Nicolas Jackson
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#LIVTOT
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D-1 to BLOSSOM
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Happy Cinco de Mayo
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West Ham
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Cucurella
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碧海くん
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LOSE MY BREATH MV TEASER 2
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Rohan
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Anfield
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Wait, kids on TikTok reserved the empty seats at Trumps rally?
The President was publicly trolled by our children. Have an extra drink tonight parents, you’ve done well.
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I lost five thousand followers for my tweets today. Fuck all of that trash.
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Trump is using his “there are more covid cases because they keep testing” mentality again with his “there are more votes because they keep counting” and it’s the most insane.
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I’ve been talking with my girlfriends about how many times we felt like the police helped with our assaults and rapes and the number is still zero.
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Being a writer is like being a kid with an essay due on a Monday and it’s Sunday night forever.
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Every night is different. Sometimes I’m up really late, sometimes I’m down kinda early. Some days I wake up feeling okay. Other days I wake up thinking this is the most fucked up thing that’s happened in my lifetime.
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After the Canadian govt asked Canadians to come home & my family asked me to come home I decided it was best for me & my kids to leave the USA & drive to Canada. It’s been the hardest decision, the wildest three days but we made it. My kids are happy but my heart is broken.
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When I was a kid I entered a summer reading competition and won by reading 80 books. There was no prize. I did it for the notoriety. Nobody cared. This is how my outcast origin story began.
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JUST GOT MY THIRD PERIOD ON LOCKDOWN AND REALIZED HOW MUCH TIME IS PASSING THIS IS LASTING FOREVER WHAT HAPPENED TO THIS YEAR IT’S GONE NOW JUST WRITE IT OFF THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO BUT BURN INCENSE AND LISTEN TO FLEETWOOD MAC IN A KIMONO YOU’RE SOMEHOW FREE
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What’s upsetting to me about birds is that I know their skin tastes good.
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My 12yo tried to convince me to get a lizard today.
“I have a hamster; if I get a lizard it will be like having a mini dinosaur and a mini bear.”
She almost had me.
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I’m going to take a controversial stance and say that spending time with my kids during this lockdown has been a joy.
(Also my kids are 11, 16 and 19)
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I am in charge of no children.
I had 30mg of edibles an hour ago.
Let’s talk.
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Trying to explain to my 11yo that she can’t go hang out with a group of 5 kids right now even though the other parents are allowing their kids to go over is not fun.
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Over the counter Migraine Concoction:
2 Advil
2 Tylenol
1/2 Benadryl
Can of Coke
Neurologist recommended. If you catch it at onset, you can save yourself the triptan fog ❤️✌🏼
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There is no better drink than an ice cold Coca Cola. This is just a personal statement. Not paid for. Facts.
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“Can you imagine if your dad was Kanye and your step-dad was Pete Davidson?” - 13yo
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EARNEST POST:
One thing I’ve learned over this covid period, is that a lot of the shit I thought mattered, doesn’t matter at all.
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According to my scientific quarantine study, wine drunk is the best drunk.
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My whole childhood, all the times my mom made me pray before bed, I’d pray McDonalds had delivery. You’re welcome.
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The only time I’ve thought, “this must be the meaning of life” wasn’t when I birthed my children. It was when I was stoned and carrying my hamster around the house to meet all the other pets.
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Sometimes all of my friends love a show, I decide not to watch it and save it for a “special time”...
Corona is the time and I’m glad I have two seasons of Succession.
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What song do you love, both the original and the covers. What songs are so good that the covers are good? I like I DROVE ALL NIGHT. The very, very most.
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This quarantine has really reminded me how wonderful potatoes are. Will never take a delicious potato for granted again.
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Today. Pure evil. Fuck anyone who voted for this monster.
BREAKING: The Trump administration just finalized a rule that would remove nondiscrimination protections for LGBTQ people in health care and health insurance.
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Lesson:
A Victoria Secret being looted is worth more tear gas than invading the Capitol.
#america
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I just looked at all the high heels I have in my closet and laughed. So dumb.
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HOT TIP: “You look better without makeup” is best kept for moments when people are not wearing makeup, not when they are wearing makeup. Thank you, goodnight.
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You guys fucking did it. Thank you for voting blue. We are free from 4 years of complete insanity.
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I finally hit the day where I started seriously and obsessively worrying about the long term psychological impact of this pandemic on my kids entire lives. So that’s fun.
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I quit nicotine 6 days ago.
This was the very first morning I didn’t think about my juul immediately when I woke up. Smalllllll thingsssssss.
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0 of my 3 kids can cook.
None of their friends can cook.
That’s, like, 60 kids I know and none can cook. Where do these cooking game shows keep finding these weirdo kids who cook??
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Can Netflix please stop with the automatic preview thing. I need to stop somewhere to look around I can’t keep jumping movie to movie to avoid you LET ME SLOW SCROLL AGAIN.
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You ever read the Notes on your phone and wonder what you were on?
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My older children are doing their homework. One of them yells, “THE GULF WAR WASNT IN THE GULF OF MEXICO?! HOW DID I JUST FIND THAT OUT RIGHT NOW.”
The other kid comes in, laughing, “Oh that makes way more sense, I didn’t know either.”
What
the
fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
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A well deserved congratulations to everyone at
@SchittsCreek
! 🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦 seeing a perfect CBC show succeed like this warms my heart.
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Just connected this. The type of anxiety I’m feeling about the pandemic is identical to the type of anxiety I had right after having a baby. The unknown combined with the feeling one must protect.
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1pm We saved a bee in the backyard.
3pm A cousin calls to say he just got a job saving bees.
6pm We go in the front yard and a neighbor is wearing a sweatshirt that says, “save the bees”
I feel if I don’t share this, it won’t stop.
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Today was the day my boyfriend saw me go to my car to pluck my eyebrows in the rear view mirror (the best light and mirror placement, some us understand) and I dunno if he’s going to recover.
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Thank you
@sxsw
for giving this first time female filmmaker the opening night of your festival. Im devastated the premiere won’t be at your festival, but happy public health & safety came first. I can’t wait to share this film with you. It won’t be next week, but it will be soon.
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Some kids will want to spend time with their mom and some will push moms away because people are all different and I can’t take this too personally so I’m writing this down to remind myself TEENAGERS PUSH YOU AWAY AS A PART OF NORMAL BRAIN DEVELOPMENT ITS ALL GOING TO BE FINE.
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@chrissyteigen
You built an empire in the same field as this woman. Her attempt to minimize you when there’s room for everyone is sad. Her judgments speak nothing of you and your hard work and everything about her ☹️😘
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I went to an outdoor restaurant and saw Larry David making animated hand gestures about how someone wasn’t social distancing and it was perfect.
I will meditate on this moment today. Today is a long day.
#BidenHarris2020
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I’ve spent 2yrs eating potato chips. From grocery store to state pride local potato chips. I tried every flavor each brand had. After concluding my research I realized no one can really benefit from it and would have to do this entire experiment for themselves.
But here’s my
#1
:
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12yo first day of school. Her one assignment was to read a checklist of how she should organize her day. She logged on at 9, read the list, said “I woke up for this?” And went back to bed.
Sending prayers to all parents of surly teens this year. Like true prayers.
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At least once a week, I just serve raw veggies and hummus, slather bbq sauce on chicken legs and throw them in the oven. Rice cooker.
This has saved me.
If you feed 3+ people every meal every day, what is your go to? Do not say Postmates.
(Pasta, duh)
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If Channing Tatum had been born in Canada he would 100% be in the NHL.
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Just realized I was listening to my daughter softly falsetto, “Happy Birthday To You” as she washed her hands in the kitchen and started crying. If you ever wondered what PMS is like.
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Boyfriends yelling into bathroom:
I don’t really love bangs.
Girlfriends re-entering the room: ✂️
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Please don’t give me shit because I already hate myself for it, I’m so addicted to nicotine. I’ve quit once, cold turkey for 8 years so I know I can do it again. I’m quitting vaping. This is a huge deal for me. But if I don’t under these circumstances, when will I?
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“Basically any scenario you can think of, I’ve already obsessed about.”
- people with anxiety disorders
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If a video starts with “Watch until the end.”
I’m not watching it.
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Lady Gaga once told Vanity Fair, “I have this weird thing that if I sleep with someone they're going to take my creativity from me through my vagina,"
And you know what?
I think about it a lot.
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Racism is and has always been unjust and intolerable and us white people are contributing to the oppression every day if we don’t educate ourselves and make change.
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moms text like they’re on cocaine and dads text like they haven’t figured out a phone yet
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There’s regular summer heat and then there’s too hot for boobs summer heat.
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Trying to find info about this woman who went to Woodstock with a monkey. If you know her, please tell me. I NEED TO KNOW EVERYTHING.
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11yo has only been home for four days out of a potential five weeks, but I already went full “got her a hamster” I’ve truly fucked up. Should have held off until at least week two. This was like cooking the very best meal you make for someone on the first date levels of dumb.
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I’m being admitted to hospital for one night (it’s fine) the insurance manager told me it was 30k for one night. My writers guild insurance brought it down but I still don’t have the money right now. I feel for anyone who can’t get help because of cost. This country is fucked.
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Sometimes I think about Trump and how a human like Trump managed to achieve the nearly unachievable, become President of the United States, at the request of other humans who see him as the best and it paralyzes me.
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I’m 43 years old and I’ve never put my face into the shower water because that’s when they get u.
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It’s so frustrating that everyone I know is responsible/on lockdown, and there are people who just don’t give a fuck ruining it for us.
This entire thing is Trumps fault. Up to today, Trump has upended nearly 5 months of your life. Don’t forget that. Vote.
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One of my kids is away at college wondering if she should come home, one is in Canada, and one is getting bored at home.
I’ve been a parent for almost 20 years and I can tell you- I’ve never been more stressed out.
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Where’s the gas and rubber bullets?
BREAKING: Trump supporters have breached the Capitol building, tearing down 4 layers of security fencing and are attempting to occupy the building — fighting federal police who are overrun
This is the craziest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. Thousands, police can’t stop them
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My life is in complete shambles but the shock of seeing my local McDonalds torn down was what it took for me to finally break down and cry tonight.
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Anyone else experiencing waves of intense physical agitation followed by wondering how to self-medicate without hating yourself lololol?
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When I was 19, working as a waitress, a woman came in with her 10yo daughter “No meat, no dairy, no wheat, no nuts, she’s deathly allergic.”
Without thinking, I said, “Why are you eating in a restaurant?”
I was not fired but I think I should have been.
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I dropped my 19 year old back to her apartment and job in Santa Barbara. I drove off along the coast and people on beaches to lite rock on the radio in the uhaul alone. And every time I started ugly crying, I’d erupt in laughter at how stupid I must look in that giant uhaul.
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Terrible sore throat & headache. Covid testing areas were full this weekend so I went to an urgent care unit. This is a cold or covid. I realize if this is covid, at 42, I’ll probably be okay. I’ve left my house twice in two weeks/masked but not everyone around me was.
#wearamask
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Just had four friends arrive from Europe on separate flights to LA and NY and they were not tested. This is bullshit.
#WhereAreTheTests
Trump claims (falsely) all Americans returning to country are being tested:"We have heavily tested. If an American coming back or anybody coming back, we have a tremendous testing set up where people coming in have to be tested ... if it shows positive ... We have to quarantine."
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❤️❤️❤️Single parents on single income, are you okay? I am not and this thread can be a bitch zone if you’d like it to be.❤️❤️❤️
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I truly believed I was an introvert before covid. I’ve seen friends at a distance five times since March. The best times. I can’t even understand how people who considered themselves extroverts are handling this. I miss hugs.
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If all women just say fuck it, shave their heads and just go grey right now everyone would be as scared of us as they probably were when they found out we can bleed for a week every 28 days and survive.
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WEAR A MASK
CDC Director Dr. Robert Redfield: “If all of us would put on a face covering now for the next 4-6 weeks, we could drive this epidemic to the ground.”
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REMEMBER: Moms just eat one bite of all their kids & partners meals and one small container of yogurt every day and get by on that.
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Aging has always scared me, because the only certain thing we are given in life is death. I feel as though the older I get, the more time I want to learn and grow.
I rushed the first half.
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Is this upcoming full moon supposed to be a really strong one or something? I’m really feeling it.
(Hi! Yes,women feel these things thank you for your time.)
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Just found out Instagram and Facebook are gone and we are finally free.
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Charlie Watts playing fake drums on Global Citizen concert is totally the best of Covid vibes.
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I’m watching and crying over the perfection of the California ranch house in the original Parent Trap.
This is where I’m at.
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Unless you also had to learn to snowshoe in 1st grade P.E. class, I don’t want to hear how cold your hometown got in the winter.
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To those of you staying inside to protect people with underlying health issues, THANK YOU. My uncle made a box for his own ashes in case he contracts Covid. IM POSTING THIS IN THE HOPES THAT SOMEONE WILL SEE HOW SOME IMMUNOCOMPROMISED PEOPLE ARE FEELING & CHOOSE TO STAY HOME. 💔
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My favorite wrong number text during covid. Still considering responding.
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Sitting on my porch alone, I just sneezed and someone down the street yelled “BLESS YOU!” and I don’t know who you are stranger but thank you.
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I just did that thing again where I brush my teeth at 10:30 to try to prevent ice cream 11-1am. LETS SEE IF I SOLVED IT.
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The Coronavirus is adding so much new stress to our lives. If you have an anxiety disorder, and are feeling overwhelmed, let people know. Let people help you. If you need someone to talk to, you can contact The National Alliance on Mental Illness by texting "NAMI" to 741741.
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11yo had her first egg salad sandwich today and was like ?!??
And then I was like, ?!?? WHEN I WAS A KID I HAD TO EAT THAT SHIT 5 TIMES A WEEK.
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