Ever meet someone so strange they teach you about the world?

I hope everyone wins the world cup

*By the cash-only bar before a ballet show* Woman « Do you have change for my daughter to get a coke? » Me: *Gives little girl a 5 franc coin* Girl: *Reaches into jacket, gives me chocolate coin, nods respectfully as if business has been done*

Big Pharma actually started as Lil’ Pharma, a struggling rapper who started selling drugs when his music career never took off

The scariest part about Halloween is that on Nov. 1st we all return to being extremely boring

Nothing like putting your hoodie on backwards as a grown man to remind you that you’re not so far from infancy

A social media platform called Failbook where you post your worst failures: “She said no!”

Was having a good day until “Who let the dogs out” got stuck in my head. Now I’m having a great day

Maybe your house is haunted because you don’t even bother to say goodbye to the ghosts when you leave for a while. Basic courtesy

She had a face that could bring world peace, and a body that wars are fought over

Stepped into this cafe called “Ciao Ciao”. The owner said Ciao, and I said Ciao back, and for one fleeting moment all was right in the world

20k people die in bathrooms every year. Pretty convenient that dr. Fauci is a shareholder in Bed, Bath and Beyond. Big Bathroom is playing us for fools. Wake up, sheeple!

One time I was running around downtown in nice clothes and this random guy was like “she’s not worth it, man”. Still deciding whether he was right

What is the manliest way to eat an ice cream cone?

My favourite things I’ve heard my Italian friends say: “Shut your fuck up!” “I laughed my butt out.” Pronouncing the ‘b’ in ‘dumbass’

Just mixed up “it’s ok” with “it’s fine” and said “it’s a fine!” like a disappointed Mario

A homicide detective working out of a Deli. Salami and Order

*Slides into your dog’s DMs* “I can throw farther than him”

Shout out to the medium nice people in the world - not hurting anyone, not doing any favours either, just driving around and going to sleep

Getting an emotional support puppy for my emotional support dog, who in turn needs an emotional support iguana until we’re an unstoppable pack of emotionally unstable creatures