"Nothing better than a big tight end with soft hands." Mmkay, bud, we're watching football, not trying to get a date. #footballthings #bigtightends #takehimouttodinnerfirst

You know how I know I am my mother's daughter? Because I clean like nobody lives here when company comes over. #cleanfreak #butonlywhentherescompany #idustedtheFLOORBOARDSGUYS

Y'all ever start snacking before supper because you're hungry but when you go to make dinner you're full cuz you ate all your snacks? Oh. Um. Yeah. Me neither. #beforedinnerdinner #itsjustappetizers

When your person gets home from work late and you're lying in bed listening to the coffee grinder going, knowing that a fresh pot will be waiting for you in the morning. ❤ #freshpot #helovesme

"No, you cannot go to Lover's and buy yourself a dildo with your Holiday gift card." #overheardatwork #butyoucangetitifyougettheamazongiftcard

"He called the office and said he's quite intoxicated and won't be coming for his surgery today." #overheardatwork #slainte

Today I started playing Skyrim, so I guess I'll talk to you all in a couple weeks. #ilikebigmaps #PCMasterRace #Skyrim

Surgeon, talking about a case: "Should I drop it low?" Me, under my breath: "You should always drop it low." #workstuff #justorthings

Anybody else constantly terrified of losing their nursing license? No? Just me? Cool. Cool cool cool. #imanurse #andiamstressed

I wet my plants today. So embarrassing.

Coffee. Do your job. Blah blah blah. Wine. #friday

At the end of the day, the only thing that matters is how YOU feel about the job you've done. #gokickass #beamazing #foryou

I saw a fox while I was taking a piss in the woods, so that was neat. #wild #foxylady #justnaturethings

"If you're not growing, you're dying. So take the leap of faith." #blslifelessons

I did it, y'all. I reached the point in my day where I have literally zero fucks to give. They're all gone. Everything is fine. It's all a dumpster fire, and it's fine. #forgotten #canigohome?

The main reason I love Sirius is because I can listen to the boys in Chicago play. #gocubsgo #letsgocubbies #thankgodforbaseball #rizzoismyfavorite #❤💙⚾️💙❤

I can't believe tomorrow is August. This year has simultaneously been the longest and shortest year of my life. 🤪

Dear self, You are a lightweight and cannot hang. Repeat that. Indefinitely. #30isFUN #onlytwoglassesofwine #sortatipsy

"I smell something fruity." "Iss me, guuurrrllll!!" **snap snap snap** #overheardatwork

"One day, I'm gonna come up behind you and clamp you with this thing." "If you do, clamp it on my nipple." #fiftyshadesofwork #overheardatwork