People of Doncaster North. Are you happy with your MP? Would you like it if someone from your neck of the woods kicked him out?

Steve Whalley. Fanx mate, and ta-ra.

Karl Starmer says he’s currently on the biggest ever trade mission to India. But that’s not strictly accurate is it. IYKYK

Whoever from @RAFBrizeNorton just twanged the lightning conductors on my house with their A400: top work. That was seriously cool.

MASSIVE congratulations to the brilliant Hawkstone choir which completely charmed the audience and judges at BGT. You’re all stars.

Chelsea are definitely better with 11 players on the pitch.

This is the only account I have on here. It’s the only account the farm show has on here. All the others are fake.

I wonder if Starmer got planning permission for the donkey shelter he built?

I think it’s only fair. If a “newspaper” publishes a story that simply isn’t true, then we should be allowed to publish a story about them which is nonsense as well. STOP WRITING BOLLOCKS HEADLINES.

Readers have slammed the London Evening Standard for its constant support of Israel’s actions in Gaza. Annoying, isn’t it, when people publish complete bollocks for clicks?

I landed at Heathrow this evening and we parked at the gate right next to passport control. Has this ever happened to anyone else ever?

For the first time in my life, I’m genuinely frightened about being a newspaper columnist.

I am longing to see our adenoidal leader explaining his way out of this one.

To be clear. I’m only on here now because I know it’ll wind up Packham. Must get back to work now. Someone has to pay for Starmer’s shoes.

We paid for Angela Rayner’s education. We paid her wages when she worked for the local council. We paid her wages when she became an MP. We even paid the settlement that enabled her to buy a house. Tax payers have funded every aspect of her entire life.

I’m puzzled. Labourites tell us that Angela Rayner was only trying to look after her child which they quite rightly say is understandable. But when a farmer tries to look after his children, they say he’s a tax dodger.

Crikey. The deputy prime minister of the UK has admitted she doesn’t understand how tax works. I wonder what else she doesn’t understand.

I’ve just watched Local Hero for the umpteenth time and I still think it’s my favourite ever film. Butch Cassidy a close second.

Antonelli is a teenager.

LeClerc. Holy shit. That’s proper racing.