Jenny Eclair
@jennyeclair
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Geriatric stand up comic available for nice easy voice overs and other sit down radio/telly work Jenny Eclair is an Author/actress/big head
london
Joined September 2010
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My male nurse who has been looking after me all day - is going home where he takes care of his grandmother who is 99 and has dementia, some people are just better people.
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Face coverings in Afghanistan- nonsense over abortions in the states- women are being pushed back into the dark ages - this is terrifying
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I dont have primary school age children but if i did, i think Id send them back on the same day as Prince George and Princess Charlotte
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Wouldn’t it be good if everyone could get corona tests as quickly and efficiently as footballers and politicians ?
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Was thinking of doing sober October and then I thought - fuck that during Brexit month
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Ok, whats the betting that once all this is over and the day comes when we can all leave the house and roam free, it will be utterly pissing it down? And some of us will say, ' fuck this, I'm not going out in this weather'
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I saw my mother today - she has dementia, first thing she said when she saw me , ‘ that’s my handbag’ she was right - I’d ‘borrowed’ it ages ago
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Oh June 1929 -3rd Jan 2023 - thank you for everything, we will miss you so much - we loved you so much
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Utterly sick of the constant spotlight on foot ball in the news - when’s it coming back blah blah? And yet theatre/ music/ comedy venues and the entire hospitality industry don’t get a fucking look in
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I dont understand why people arent rioting about mortgage rates? How can people cope when a £400 pcm mortgage rockets to £1,600?
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new nana on the block, as of 21st July 2022, born incredibly quickly, at Kings College hospital, a brand new South londoner, Arlo Jude, King of babies.
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not everyone is blocked, just the anti vaxers, if you are an anti vaxer, please save me some time and block yourselves, i cant be arsed with you
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My 90 yr old ma says ‘ I’d like to make a shepherds pie, but I haven’t any onions’. Me ‘I’ve got onions, I’m going to throw you an onion and with any luck it will land in your front garden’(she lives 200 miles away). I pretend to throw an onion. My mother says, ‘A dog got it’
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I have covid again - caused a great deal of cancelled work, stress and hassle - I’m gutted - the rules now are v vague but having recently had a non covid virus for 6 wks - I firmly believe that if you are unwell with something contagious- you keep the fuck away from people
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Healthy young people please fucking stop sitting in priority seats on tubes and buses also don’t sit in the seats where the mums with buggies need to sit - and if I ask you to move so a v old man can sit down - don’t tell me to fuck off - you can fuck off - ok
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We are seeing something in Andy Burnham that has been missing since this pandemic began- he looks and sounds like he really cares about his people
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my extraordinarily brave 88 year old mum spent 90 minutes trapped in a small lift yesterday and the first person she phoned was her hairdressers to apologize for being late.
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Struggling today, underestimated how id feel post op and everything is awful and everyone is having such a tough time and I didn’t think I’d have this much pain - ps I’ll be fine in a bit, but I’ve never been through anything like this before and I’m a bit shocked
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Hope the nasty bit of work who sold his crummy Rylan footage is feeling like shit today
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Sudden wave of utter loathing for this fucking virus and the way we now have to live - utter fucking fury
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here are the dungarees i ordered that i was worried about, I LOVE them - White Company
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Idea - there is a weatherspoons pub with a big ( now empty)car park more or less opp Kings College hospital- surely this could be handed over to NHS critical care staff?
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I’m a lazy cow who hates walking but I’m marching today
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Yes that was me on regent street yelling ‘Wankers’ many times at the car full of anti vax fuckwits with a megaphone on top of the car spouting anti vaccine bullshit
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Apparently I’ve been mentioned on goggle box for advertising Vagisan ( either me or Su Pollard?) May I just say at this point in history I am fucking grateful for that campaign because with luck the money will keep me going when just about everything else has gone
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I don’t get the crap being dumped on this young female tennis player - seriously- she’s anxious/ doesn’t like playing with the media - leave her alone to do her tennis - that’s her job , not the other rubbish
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Bring back the bed jacket - sitting up in bed putting my face on and it’s fucking freezing - I need a quilted bed jacket with a silk ribbons
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Sudden huge rage at the utter shitness of everything- almost uncontrollable anger, would like to smash stuff up- many things ( but not my things) agh fuck and shit, goodnight, it might be better in the morning, but right now I want to see my mother.
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DO NOT BUY THIS RUBBISH- show the fuckers -
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For three days I have been cycling with my helmet on backs to front - big thanks to the nice man on Lytham green who v gently broke the news
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How unbelievably shit things are and we thought the pandemic was the v worst that could happen and it was awful, but this is cruelty on purpose and it’s unbelievable and unbearable
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Sometimes when that ghastly man was on telly - I used to tweet, ‘there he is again, that ghastly man’ - I never mentioned him by name, and won’t now, but he is utterly ghastly’
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I caught a virus/ bug/something three weeks ago ( not covid, poss RSV), stayed in bed for 11 days, coughed to the point of incontinance, had an adverse reaction to some antibiotics, thought I was going mad, watched lots of Love Island and finally, today I feel properly human
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My mother is 91 today, i ask how she is going to spend her birthday - she says 'Ive got a lot of ironing to do'.
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Trouble is so many unmasked people in this bus with v suspicious coughs -v hard to let go of two years of tension over this- im still masked btw which might seem daft when I’ve just had it - I don’t know?
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I like the sound of Kelly McGillis - who at 64 was unsurprised not to be asked back to Top Gun 2
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The alopecia gag was unnecessary and ugly and so was the reaction- but I kind of understand what made both blokes do both those things- I suspect they both feel like shit today
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I think everyone looks so beautiful in this - it’s really well made and the whacking the elf off the roof is brilliant- not everything has to be cute at Xmas and kids need to know the elf on a shelf is a massive twat
Sound the klaxon, our clothing and home Christmas ad for 2023 is here!
#LoveThismasNotThatmas
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Re buying Nars ‘orgasm’ blusher, thinking of launching own make range with rouges called ‘three flights of stairs’ pink’ and ‘small fart in supermarket blush’- maybe a really dark pink called ‘dangerous blood pressure vermillion’
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Thinking about my career - the thing that makes me most content is the fact that it’s only thanks to advertising Vagisan moisture cream that I have any pension whatsoever
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Im embarrassed that until this week I didn’t know what the flag of 🇺🇦 looked like or it’s national flower -the 🌻 - how sad that it has taken a war to teach me these things
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Without spoilers - can I say
#Taskmaster
was an utter ride - one of the best TV experiences in my life - huge laughs with the best people - I hope the new cast have just as much fun - showbiz can be quite shit and lonely, T M is the opposite of that - I had a ball, thank you x
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Working just days before she died - huge respect and admiration - overwhelming sadness at this news -
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I am not going out tonight - I couldn’t think of anything worse - I’m doing a beef casserole and have booze, films and the old man by the fire - take care all
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Furious that I didn’t start jogging at the beginning of lock down - fucking furious
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I am using a bag today that I haven’t used for so long there is a tampon in it
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When people ask why I’m on HRT- I say for the same reason I drive an automatic car - it makes life easier, why struggle?
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Thank you everyone who has sent kind messages about June - I’ve been overwhelmed and very grateful. Dementia is a very shit illness - so love to everyone who is dealing with the realities and difficulties of it right now.
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In cab - passenger before me was Su pollard - driver confused for a minute
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Genuinely cannot understand why massive art galleries are having to close, timed entrance tickets have made visits feel loads safer than going to my local Sainsburys. All this is so shit isnt it and i know many people couldnt give a fuck about galleries, but ...
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very happy to report my big meaty left arm has just been pumped full of AZ dose 2
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Charmed I’m sure! Kind of thrilled to be in this club - really had no idea my application had been granted
#hilarious
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I have bought some linen Dungarees- this is a dangerous move - when they arrive I shall give you a fashion show and you will tell me whether I look fun in a meryl streep ‘ Mama Mia ‘way - or like a fucking idiot-
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Years ago I did that mad ‘celebrity’ diving show ‘Splash’ and Tom Daley actually took the time to do a bit poolside coaching / chatting - he was limitlessly charming / utterly adorable / beyond handsome and totally deserving of all the medals 🥇
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I did I’m a celeb 11 years ago now. Came third - got some cash, a panto and 12 months of loose women out of it, then back to the drawing board! No regrets!
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Trying not to cry in hotel room because my fucking Nando’s order hasn’t turned / completely vanished and then I remember there’s a fucking war and feel like crying harder - I’m in my pyjamas and I have an avocado, a baby bel and a teaspoon - which I would happily kill Putin with
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Why am I like this in hotels - I don’t behave like this at home - I am 61 years old -
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I seem to have developed a second stomach - like a lobster - one is high up - under my bosom the other is under my knicker line - both bulge very badly - my mother just prodded the top one with her stick and said - get rid of that one first!
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Royal Mail apparently tried to deliver a parcel today to my temp address-but no one was in - it’s a hotel with a 24 hour reception - so that’s bollocks
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I’m watching Love Actually for the v first time and it’s fucking great- who knew ?- Almost 20 years on fascinating to see who went on to do what -
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The old man is 71 tomorrow/ ‘ that’s not an age’ he says ‘ it’s a bus route’ - still the only bus route I’d bother catching
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Thinking of the people who do not deserve this shit
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And happy first Mother’s Day to the woman who made me a mother
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Loved The Split ( bbc) but can we quit the ‘ if you have been affected’ etc voice over rubbish - can we stop pretending this country has decent mental health facilities, it’s one of the biggest lies that we are constantly fed -that there are adequate safely nets -it’s crap
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Because I don’t eat chocolate- the old man ordered a beautiful delivery of hyacinths and I have bunches all round the house - they smell divine
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Oh no, Barry Crier died, oh no, the saddest news- how we will all miss our birthday phone calls, the funniest and best and the only man to dance with in a Chinese restaurant- so loved, so admired
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@danwootton
Possibly compromised immune systems and in any case none of your business - hope you got their permission to use this photo ?
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Desperately sad news about Sean Lock -funny to the very core and far too young to die
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THIS HAS BLOWN MY FUCKING MIND
German word for that feeling when you watch a nature documentary and you go THERE ARE SEWING BIRDS??!! WHY AM I ONLY LEARNING ABOUT THIS NOW
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Today - I learned how to paint tiny people with a dot and squiggle - my life is complete
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Collating photos for a thing and suddenly the pain of missing my mother is like being hit in the heart with a truncheon- I was fine when it happened in January but now and again it floors me
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The high street will not recover if people don’t feel safe shopping - I feel safer if everyone in the shop who can is wearing a mask - I don’t want to be in indoor spaces with unmasked strangers at the moment- this behaviour is driving people online even more
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MASSIVE EXCITEMENT in Dulwich park - a woodpecker in a tree loud as you like - flash of red on him and smaller than you’d imagine - everyone stood and pointed and it was GREAT
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Dear friend ( in his 50’s) poorly with covid despite being double jabbed - I am so conflicted and really quite anxious now
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My grandson is 11 months old and has had feeding difficulties since weaning began at 6 months - he has just been treated for massive tongue tie - a worry that had previously been dismissed by a number of professionals- this has caused massive stress- mums - your instinct counts
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Hence I won’t be on Sunday brunch tomorrow- whatever the rules are - I’m not going to be responsible for potentially making other people sick - see you on the other side
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Just had a melt down on the steps of Oxford Circus tube - listen guys - if you are young and fit and you see a woman about your nums age struggling with a suitcase it is VERY ok to offer help
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what a warrior Kate Garraway has been throughout the trauma of her husbands illness, this has been such a tragedy and she has been extraordinary.
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Of course I’m jabbed ( both) my conflict is over coming out of restrictions when infection rates are so high, I’m a huge believer in vaccines ( my mother was crippled by polio) I just worry about the next few weeks going wrong
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This text asking for payment for Royal Mail re-delivery is bollocks isn’t it?
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Imagine being the wife / mother / sister / child of one of those men- imagine that much ugliness in your house-
#terriblewhitemen
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In my profession starting your gig late is really rude- this gvt is shit and rude
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Hahahaha- when you arrive at a hotel in the dark- open your curtains in the morning and YOU HAVE A VIEW - north Berwick - I love you
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June laughing, this was in 2016, dementia bit last year -
#mothersday
I miss her her even though I can still talk to her
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