@itssherifield
@itssherifield
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Musician mama of 3 treading water and taking names Formerly @Lmemeit IG and TikTok: @itssherifield
Los Angeles, CA
Joined August 2020
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Last Seen Profiles
Pinned Tweet
I’m writing a fantasy fiction novel about a mom that has a cold and her family does things for themselves while she rests.
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Californians looking at New Yorkers freak over an earthquake.
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People that back into parking spaces do you know we all hate you?
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Emails be like unsubscribe here and then they send you an email to tell you you’ve unsubscribed.
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My son called the butter shelf in the fridge the dairy penthouse and there is no other name for it now.
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Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
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My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
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I’m gonna blow em away this year with my ashtray appetizer.
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12: How do they know Santa wants milk and cookies? What if he wants a Taco Bell combo?
Me: Solid point.
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Some dude slid into my dms and asked what my fantasy was and I told him for someone to do the dishes and the laundry and make my kids’ 3 lunches.
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Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Rolls over to stop snoring.
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I relate to an eclipse cause I like making shit dark too.
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Our new babysitter told me that my daughter picked a lemon from our tree “for mommy’s vodka drinks” in case you’re wondering if I’m nailing motherhood.
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My four year old told me she ate fruit at school today and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
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My sister’s dog got spayed and she didn’t want her to have to wear a cone so she’s in a bodysuit and now she looks like she’s about to take a pawlatis class.
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I just paid $164 for a tank of gas so if anyone wants to see me, you can bring your ass to my house.
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Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
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When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
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Whenever my kids say but mom! I tell them don’t call me butt mom and then they laugh and stop asking me for shit.
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My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
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I don’t trust people that have kids and a clean house.
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Getting carded in my 40s is the closest thing I’ll ever get to hot girl summer.
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My friend told me when she was a kid her dad had gopher traps in the backyard and on Easter morning there was a dead bunny in a trap so the next time you’re down on yourself as a parent just remember at least you didn’t murder the Easter Bunny.
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Have you tried cheese as a coping method?
~me as a therapist
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Was complaining to my mom about my kids and she reminded me that the day I got my driver’s permit I ran over her foot on her birthday and I feel like she’s making this about her.
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In my 20s I used to have a mustang and I never washed it so I called it the disgustang.
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Every year my kids have this cute tradition where they take turns going to urgent care on the holiday break.
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A game show called what ISN’T expired in my parents’ fridge.
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Not to brag but my daughter ate the fruit I packed in her lunch today.
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I’m a mom. I’m not buying shit that isn’t machine washable and dishwasher safe. I barely have time to hand wash my hair.
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My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
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Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
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Why aren’t female shark parts called sharkcooterie? Also I’m sorry.
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My daughter told me I embarrassed her in her dream and the fact that I’m able to do this in her subconscious tells me I’ve reached peak parenting.
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My mom said my kids are on their screens too much so I locked her outside til the streetlights turned on and told her if she’s thirsty she can drink from the hose.
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I really felt my age today when I saw a dude with gray hair and I was like meow.
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So glad I helped 3 kids make 75 valentines for everyone’s trash cans.
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My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
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I’m gonna open up a bra store and call it the rack shack.
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Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
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Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and anyway that’s the name of the song now.
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My husband has the flu and came down while I was scrambling to get the kids ready for school to tell me the house is a mess so I made him some cyanide with a side of tea.
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My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
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I said to my son I’m not your servant! Then we laughed and I got him some lemonade.
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Of all the muppets I never thought the ones I relate to the most would be the cackling old men in the balcony.
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60% of parenting is finding the tiniest screwdriver to painfully open toys for batteries.
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My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
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Kids be like I’m sick I need to stay home from school but still have the energy of a bunny on cocaine.
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My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the fuck she’s learning this shit.
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Why can’t my kids just watch bugs bunny and not a YouTuber that screams into a microphone?
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5: Mom, can boys wear mascara?
Me: Of course! boys can wear makeup. Girls can play with cars. People can do whatever they want in life.
5: But they can’t jump on the couch because that’s not safe.
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Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
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Anyone else wake up in the morning and think I can’t wait to go to bed?
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Remember when the doorbell would ring and you’d yell who is it? Now when it rings I rage shush everyone until the person thinks no one is home and leaves.
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Me: I can’t find my phone
Husband: want me to call it?
Me: Why would my ringer be on like some psychopath that answers phone calls?
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Hear me out. Not an ice cream truck but a PMS truck that has chips, chocolate and wine.
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I don’t have a favorite but my daughter just looked at an old picture of Joan Jett and asked if that was me so I lied I have a favorite.
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10: Did you know that 1+2+3 equals 1x2x3?
Me: I asked you where your shoes were.
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How many pumps of soap is needed and could you tell my kid it’s not 79?
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Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
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Are you even a mom if you don’t call out every family member’s name first before you get to the one you need?
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How many times do you have to call your kid’s name before they hear you? Is it 43 times? I feel like it’s 43 times.
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My sister tells me to make my kids do more for themselves and then she lifts her 75 pound puppy into her car because she (checks notes) can’t jump.
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Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
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Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
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I just came downstairs in my pjs my hair is a mess no makeup and my son said where are you going you look great so I bumped him up in the will.
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Me: Why aren’t you ready? We’re late!
10: Did you know the amount of people older than you never increases?
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So glad I helped 3 kids make 75 valentines for everyone’s trash cans.
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Life doesn’t give me lemons cause now they’re fucking $1.50 each.
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I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
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It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
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My advice to new parents would be don’t try to understand kids. For example every night at bedtime my daughter says necklace in a tree and I say I know but I don’t know what the fuck she’s talking about.
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My kids were playing hide and seek and my daughter sat on the couch and said I’m tired so I’m just gonna let them hide and I think she’s ready for parenthood now.
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Every night my kids play this fun game called who will go to urgent care before bedtime.
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7: Mom were you born in the 1900s?
Me: How dare you. Also yes.
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My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
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Since my kids are half Irish I gave them Baileys for breakfast and then packed a Guiness in their lunch because it’s important to know their culture.
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Me: this year I’m going to calm down.
Also me in the car: nice signal skunk crotch.
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Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
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Ever put your kids to bed and realize an hour later you’re still watching SpongeBob?
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5: Mom can boys wear mascara?
Me: Of course they can! Boys can wear makeup, girls can play with cars, people can do whatever they want in life.
5: But they can’t jump on the couch cause that’s not safe.
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My family couldn’t find my daughter’s piano book and I got home and found it in 4 seconds and her teacher said it’s not lost til mom can’t find it so now we’re eloping.
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PSA : I can guarantee no one wants to see your iPhone photos of fireworks.
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My kid made this adorable looking ashtray in art class so I did what any good mother would do and bought a pack of cigarettes and chainsmoked.
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12: Did you know that the freshwater snail kills more people than sharks in a year?
Me: Ok Bill Nye go to bed.
Also me: (Googles it): Shit he’s right.
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I dropped my kids off at a tech camp and the owner said I was such a good mom so I asked for his email and sent him a nude.
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10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
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My favorite part of making kids lunches is all the work that goes into them and all the food that comes home in them.
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At my age living on the edge means putting things in the dishwasher that aren’t dishwasher safe.
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My daughter asked me if tv was in black and white when I was born in the 1900s so if anyone needs her she’ll be in her room til June.
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