My Halloween costume this year is Shrek (personality only).

The two online personality types. 1) I’m literally crying because I saw a picture of Shrek where he looked lonely . 2) I’m unloading my AK47 at the sun because I remembered vegans exist.

[house tour] This is my haunted doll room where I keep all my haunted dolls. As you can see, it’s empty because I’m a big goof who forgot to lock the door.

Not coming out of my burning house because the firefighter isn’t aesthetic.

Hungry? Try a handful of almonds! You’re still hungry but you don’t have to hold the almonds anymore.

Little old lady in a movie 10 years ago: Penis, fuck, and shit also. Audience: This is the best comedy will ever get. It’s done. It’s over.

I’m sorry, I can’t tell you what kind of pan pizza this is.

They say walking is good for you but I walked into the tortoise enclosure at the zoo and was mauled immediately.

Got out of prison for eating too much ice cream. I didn’t steal it or anything, the entire judicial system just agreed it was way too much ice cream.

Bloody man with fire axe crashing through window of diner: DO YOU READ SUTTER CANE?. Me: You got glass in my eggs. You owe me a new big breakfast sir.

Please don’t use my own words against me. Use your own lower quality words which hurt me much less.

I’m not dead, I just hate websites.

Photography tip: camera angles are important! Try angling the camera so you’re not in front of it.

Uh actually I’m legally allowed to use your trampoline because I’m a hobo.

My greatest strength? My attention to debail.

Can’t wait until I get older and my bad opinions come in.

Here’s a picture of me with a bandaid on my arm. Vaccinated? No, I have a human dartboard fetish.

Just because I’m a billionaire it doesn’t mean I’m a bad person. I worked my way up from nothing by stealing children’s skulls and shooting medicine into the sun.

Another step sibling dying stuck in a dryer, afraid to call for help.

My Earth review: living nightmare, great snacks.