IT'S NEARLY VALENTINES DAY They don't need a life-sized "hug me" teddy bear. They don't need couples holding hand socks. They don't need an eternal preserved rose. They don't need a card which says "I'd still love you if you were a worm".

When we said we wanted to be held, we didn't mean accountable.

To anyone who is still doing their New Year resolution. You're better than us. Well done you.

Welcome back to everyone who said their New Year's resolution wasn't to be on social media.

Hello everyone. Thank you for joining us on this 811th and final day of January.

Weather update. It's still cold, grey and dark.

We regret to inform you, that it's still January.

Controversial Opinion: January feels a lot shorter this year. . . . . . . . . . . . . Just kidding. We had to kill the time somehow.

Our thoughts go out to everyone who said they'd do that task in the new year. Luckily for you, January's 2038 days long so you should have plenty of time to get it done.

It's blue Monday. But more importantly. IT'S PENGUIN AWARENESS DAY.

Good news everyone. Just like Bon Jovi we're halfway there. Only another 378 days of January to go.

It's our second week back and we're already thinking of where to go on holiday.

JANUARY MOTIVATION: If Shakespeare can write Hamlet without a spellcheck, you can smash today.

The 4th floor stapler is enjoying much better showers than we are right now.

Bad things about January: 1. you have to finally do the tasks you said you’d do next year 2. it might snow 3. it's cold 4. you have no money 5. there's 27360 days in the month left Good things about January: 1. It's National Shortbread Day (today)

WE MADE AN ADVENT CALENDAR We're giving away 24 presents this Christmas. To enter, all you just fill out this form letting us know what you'd like to win, and your details: https://t.co/Qi3pnj9Kjz Competition ends at midnight tomorrow. You can read the full T&Cs in our bio.

Are elves just penguins with hands?

Love Actually: Someone holds up lots of signs while other people fall in love to a killer soundtrack. Polar Express: A never-ending train ride to the North Pole that tests your patience. A Christmas Carol: A grumpy man experiences paranormal activity for three nights in a row.

CHRISTMAS FILMS IN A NUTSHELL Home Alone: Kevin gets abandoned by family on Christmas. Three times. The Grinch: A grumpy green guy hates Christmas. Think Santa, but without the jolly. Elf: Santa’s giant elf goes to New York, makes spaghetti with syrup, and hugs strangers.

Is Santa's sleigh like Mary Poppins’ bag with endless presents?