ABODE
@iamAbode
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Expired Musician || Minister of Information
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Joined April 2012
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Pinned Tweet
There is a reason we don't like taking our wives to events where there are female friends we grew up with.
Driving back from the event . . . . 🚗
Wife : So those girls are your childhood friends 🙂.
Me : Yes Babes; they are . . . . Cool people yah?🙂
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I got suspended from work because of some fraud issue that happened.
I decided to go home to be with my family during that time. I jokingly lied to my mother and siblings that I got fired.
The treatment towards me changed immediately; they started disrespecting me.
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I got back from work this evening, my wife told me that she quarrelled with my neighbour's wife.
I was very shocked, both women had lived in peace since we parked in.
So I asked her what the problem was. She told me it was because of the rope where we dry clothes.
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SOCIALISM: You have two cows, and you give one to your neighbor
COMMUNISM: You have two cows, the government takes both and gives you milk
FASCISM You have two cows, the government takes both and sells you milk
NAZISM: You have two cows, the government takes them and kills you
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Dear Parents
If you must get your children Android Portable Devices, you need to follow the below steps to be safe:
1. Register a gmail account for them with the correct age and with your email as the parent.
2. Install Google Family Link on your own phone.
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I bashed someone’s car yesterday evening where it was parked. A Lexus 470. I felt so bad that the owner would come and meet the car in that state.
So I waited for about 40 minutes thinking the owner would come. After which I dropped him a note hung on the car’s wiper.
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In case you mistakenly transferred Money to the wrong account and the owner blocked you? or you are duped through your bank account? and then later realized that you have been scammed or a mistake on your part? And the receiving bank is not cooperating?
Open this thread...
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It took my suspension to finally see that they only want me when I provide something.
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I have been married for 14 YEARS and 'we' have 3kids(all boys) but none of them belongs to me.
5years before I met my wife, I was involved in a car accident together with two of my friends. We were traveling from Lagos to Abuja and our car skidded off the road.
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I recently picked up a man on my way from Akure.
He flagged me down at 7pm and I stopped right away cos he looked decent.
When he got in, he asked me "Are you not worried that I may be a kidnapper?"
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I told my family I was returning to Lagos to stay with a friend. These are the people that I've been taking care of since I started working at the age of 21.
They sleep in a house I built. My other sister has a diploma I paid for.
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I wanted to get a new SIM to complement the one I already have. Then I decided to patronise a road side sim vendor and the unexpected happened.
During registration, I gave out the needed details to the vendor and the registration was going on smoothly until it got to capturing.
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My mother even told me that she couldn't take care of an adult male and that I should go hustle. My sisters treated me like I was their junior, and I am the firstborn.
My suspension took three months. In the end, I was cleared, and I am back at work.
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Peak Milk wanted an advert to go by 2, and they were in the studio looking for a baby's voice.
The baby that was supposed to come was writing exams and someone said,
“Helen that useless voice you use to make noise, can we use it or see if you can do this thing?”
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Yesterday, I went to GTBank to use the ATM. I got there and looked around and joined the long queue.
A young lady came to meet me and asked how much I wanted to withdraw. She said she over withdrew money; She was supposed to withdraw 3k but mistakenly pressed 30k.
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I told my wife to fetch me cold water to drink. When she stood up, I replied back.
"You owe me a bottle of bear"
I was still typing my message when my wife shouted from the kitchen.
"But Praises, you have hot temper o. Small rope quarrel women are having, you carried machete."
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Before you do it, remember to close the door so you don't get to speak too much grammar... 😂🤣😁
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A man was traveling by air from Lagos to Abuja. When the journey started, he realized he was traveling alone in business class.
A few minutes later, a beautiful lady came and sat next to him. The lady kept smiling at him, and the man kept bubbling with Joy.
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To make it worse for him, I was doing 140km/hr all the way to Ondo 😂
Next time when you enter people's car, you won't start rubbish topic 🙄
©
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He decided that he would send his account details but later told me not to worry.
I am grateful to God for not making my action to have cost someone his job—a father and husband.
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He was paying N9,000,000 yearly for 3 bedroom flat in Maitama, Abuja. It was later increased to 10M and he was paying. No savings. No investment. He's working. He believed and depended on his salary. It will surely be coming.
His argument:
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He would have been treated badly, while his kids and wife would be left saddened by whatever would have happened to their dad and husband.
Credit: Oluwanishola Akeju
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A woman went to her husband's office to report him to his boss.
She told her husband's boss how her husband usually squandered his N60,000 salary and gave her only N30,000 for upkeep.
After her narration, the boss told her to come back on the last day of the month.
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That was how we both entered inside the house and locked the door.
There was silence in the compound.
My wife kept rubbing my chest and telling me to calm down. While she was still rubbing my chest and head my neighbor sent me a text.
"It worked o. Thank you, sir."
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I booked bolt, so, when the driver came, I just entered the vehicle and immediately, the driver asked me to get down and check if the number plate of the vehicle is thesame with the one on the app. I was like oga, please, lets go, but he insisted until I got down to confirm.
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Something bizarre happened in the year 2014. My wife and kids travelled to Jos on December 22nd 2013 to spend the Christmas holiday and were to return to Lagos on the 7th of January 2014 but this almost never happened.
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I stopped visiting people's house when one little boy tried to stab me with a knife.
The Mom was like "Don't move, else he will cry".
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Me : Mmmmm.
Silence for 5min.
Wife : (talking to herself) .Hmmm . Childhood friend..🤦🏽♂️🤣🤣
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community give you more cows. When that doesn't happen, you go to a church and hope for miracle cows. You fast 40 days and 40 nights without eating or drinking so that the cows will fall from Heaven. At last You die in extreme poverty
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A woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work.
Her nine-year-old son came home unexpectedly, saw the illegal lover and hid in the bedroom cupboard to watch.
Then the woman's husband unexpectedly came home.
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The man took her note, kept it nicely in his pocket, got up, and told her in clear tones "Now SHOUT & SCREAM !!"
Moral of the story: Documentation is very important.
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Let us warn each other. You will warn me and I will warn you. When we warn each other seriously, we then go inside the house and we both can sleep. That way both women will know we stood for them.
My neighbour agreed and we started the fire.
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I warned him very seriously. He also started warning me. Soon we were shouting at the top of our voices. His wife and mine came out.
He ran to carry Hoe, I followed the backyard and brought a machete. My wife started begging me to go inside. His wife was also begging him.
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I looked at him with full seriousness and said "No, the chances of two kidnappers meeting each other is very low 😂"
He was quiet all through the trip to Ondo 😂😂
Then he called his wife that he's on his way in a grey Acura 😂
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CHINESE SOCIETY: You have two cows, you sell milk to your compatriots and you produce plastic milk to export to the rest of the world. You become rich.
BLACK/ AFRICAN SOCIETY: You have two cows, you eat them all in one month, and you dream that donors or the international
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I am sure someone out there is hearing about this stealing logic for the first time.
Let's be careful out there especially with the release of the new naira notes.
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I'm putting this out here because a lot of innocent people are in prisons today because of cr!me they know nothing about.
While doing your registration, please be attentive and report any suspicion to the right authority.
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*Don't Kill Yourself If Your Wife Is Sleeping Around*
I just remembered a case we handled while in Chief Rotimi Williams Chambers.
A man met his Landlord sleeping with his wife.
The client took a side stool and hit it on the landlord's head.
He died instantly.
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"Uncle Praises, I am sure you have heard about the drama."
I nodded "Yes, I have."
"My wife is very wild. I will not sleep this night if I don't do what she wants. She has asked me to warn you. I don't know if we can just act the drama small.
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I will warn you and you will beg me to calm down. So I can go in and sleep well.
Ha no na. If you warn me and I start begging you, you will be sleeping well in your house and my wife will think I don't have power. She will insult me all night for begging you.
So what do we do?
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Wife : All I'm saying is she must learn to respect other peoples' men in their presence. If I didn't know any better I would think you sleeping with her.😒
Me : How did this escalate that far now?😐
Wife : Ohhhh . . . . did I strike a nerve?😏
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My wife wanted to dry her clothes and my neighbor's wife wanted to dry her own also.
One thing led to the other, and the quarrel started. As I was talking with my wife, my neighbor returned from work and his hot-tempered wife began to shout at him.
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Wife : It's funny how she spent more time talking to you than talking to other guys at the bash. Her jokes are not even funny. 😒
Me : I thought we were leaving it.
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"You better go and warn her husband to warn her or else."
My wife wanted to go out to confront her but I held her back.
"If you won't allow me to go, then you better go out and tell her husband to tell his wife to shut her mouth or else I will come for her."
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He was so scared all through the trip that I could literally see his hands shaking.
I wanted to tell him "Oga calm down oo, na joke"
But I didn't. I let the fear eat him up until he dropped at Akure Garage 😂
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We talked and at a point changed to WhatsApp video. It happened that if I had not left behind a note, the driver of that car would have lost his job. The owner of the car confirmed that to me.
It was the driver who took the car out and with tears brought him the note.
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My ATM card dropped on the ground and got so dusty.
I walked into the bank with it. The security guy at the door asked what brought me to the bank. I told him I needed to speak to a top executive for a matter of grave concern.
He led me to a customer care agent.
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Wife : Oohhhhh hahaha !!! You gonna change the subject now?
Wife : At least he skipped a light. He is not getting inappropriate hugs from sluts. 😒
Me : How does an irresponsible driver compare to me giving a friend a hug? Really now !!!
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Wife : You and Dineo look close 🙂.
Me : We go back along way, you could say that hahahaha..
Wife : Hmmm . . . . I could tell from the way she hugged you.🙂
Me : What do you mean Babe?
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He said if not for the note, he would get him arrested, get him to pay for the light, and then sack him because his salary can't buy the light.
I told him he shouldn’t do that. He said not anymore since I am paying.
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Me : It's just that I don't see what you talking about babe..
Wife : Oh . . . . so you are defending her now?😳
Me : No, I don't know what you talking about.
Wife : I know what I saw; unless you think I'm crazy. 😒
Me : Look at this idiot skipping the light.😳
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My wife was angry. She entered the bedroom in anger.
I opened the parlour door to peep outside, at that moment I saw my neighbour also opening the door to come out. I thought the man was coming to warn me as his wife instructed. But he didn't. He came to me and said.
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Do you know if your space is there?
"So I started receiving 400,000 every month...”
It's time to start manifesting your purpose.
Excerpt from The Story of Dr. Helen Paul.
Be Inspired
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A young, well qualified Officer left the job in Lagos and emigrated to Canada for better prospects and applied for a salesman's job at Vancouver's premier downtown department store.
It was the biggest store in the world: you could get anything there.
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Wife : I'm just saying the hug looked intimate, something about the way she held you and took time to let go . . . . the way she looked into your eyes.
Me : But Lerato and Natasha hugged me too😏
Wife : Not the way Dineo did. You know what _ let's leave it.
Me : Okay Babes.
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CAPITALISM: You have two cows, you sell one and buy a male. You multiply your cows and there is economic growth. You sell them, you retire and you live on your profits.
MODERN CAPITALISM: You have two cows, you sell one and buy a male. You multiply your cows and you buy those of
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Left in the note an apology with absolute regret and owning up to take responsibility. With my number included.
So I drove off. I got home and I was expecting a call from the car owner. No call came in throughout yesterday and I was worried.
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Wife : Hehehehe. Do you want her? Am I standing in your way? Let me out the car, go to her. I'm not stopping you. 😔😒
Me : Baby have I ever given you reason not to trust me? . . . . . Ever . . . . 😏
Wife : 🙄. . . . (folding hands)
Me : Answer me.
Wife : Just drive the car.
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The "National Board for Arabic and Islamic Education" populated by over 5000 employees, spending N8 Billion annually, to conduct examinations for 1000 students. Kindly listen to this video clip"
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your neighbors. Then your neighbors become your shepherds, you pay them in monkey currencies and they die poor.
AMERICAN SOCIETY: You have two cows, you sell one and you have to make the other one to produce milk like 4 cows. By stress of producing beyond her capacity, she dies.
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there are indeed two tribes and religions in this world; the good and the bad.
These two tribes can be found amongst every tribe.
We that belong to the tribe of the good will continue to do good and we will surely be judged by our deeds.
A true story by Japheth Prosper
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I worried if the breeze had blown the note off or something. I was just so concerned about the owner of the car.
So this morning a call came in. It was concerning the car. I apologized and explained how I waited to see if the owner would come around.
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You hire a consultant to understand this death.
FRENCH SOCIETY: You have two cows, you go on strike because you want a third cow.
GERMAN SOCIETY: You have two cows, you modify them so that they live 100 years, eat once a month and take care of themselves.
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They went to church and the father made the little boy sat in the confession booth and he closed the door.
The Boy says: Dark in here.
😜😜😜😜😜
The Priest says: Don't start that shit again!
THIS IS MY CHURCH, NOT YOUR FATHER'S HOUSE
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Think and plan your life. Where you live doesn't matter. What matters is you and the value you create.
Stay in the forest, the world will find you.
©
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@yellowwinsh
@sickweirdoo
Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.
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Policeman in the banking hall thought that the customer putting on a red top, a type of Igbo traditional red cap was an Unknown Gunman and ran away, causing great commotion in the bank.
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So last night I had forgotten to warm my soup and had slept off. I woke up this morning to find it sour. I wasn't happy at all. Especially with the fact that I had just cooked it a day before. I couldn't stop blaming myself.
I brought out the pot and placed it angrily outside.
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*LESSON LEARNT:*
Do not fight over any thing.
It's not worth it at all!
Just be yourself!
What will be will be, because at the end, you are just alone, even your shadow may leave you in the darkest corner.
A true life story !!!
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A man in Ondo state was kidnapped few weeks ago and a ransom of N3million was demanded, friends and families gathered the money and paid for his release.
About 2weeks later, the same group kidnapped his wife. The man was furious and he went to the enclave of the kidnappers to
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My fiance sent me to his friend when it was time for my IT. He told his friend to fix me in an office.
I asked him if he trusted the friend very well not to misbehave and he replied in the affirmative. He swore that they were childhood friends and that his sister stayed with the
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MORAL:
Most times, these husbands go hungry in order to provide for their families.
Sometimes, they swallow their pride and engage in menial and debasing jobs, so that their families can eat.
A lot of times, they can't even afford to buy good clothes to wear.
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THEIR WEDDING IS FEW MONTHS AWAY.
He stays in Lagos and she stays in Calabar.
She went for a seminar in Lagos and decided to pay Him a surprised visit at home.
She got to his house around 9pm and met Him getting ready to retire for the night.
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14. You will see as much as major details of the app.
Dear Parents, let's protect the morality of our Children.
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You leave happily thinking you have escaped long queue, go to wherever to buy something with the money and realise you were given fake money
The man called it Old logic but what saved me was my keen observation, she looked so innocent and pretty, you won't even suspect a thing.
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ritualists, kidnappers and he makes a lot of money from the business.
Now, imagine if he sold this second number to a kidnapper or a fraudster and when tracked, my picture and details would pop up and it would be difficult to deny.
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Meaning he/she cannot transfer or withdraw until they visit the bank, and when they do, the bank will contact the police, and the suspect when proven guilty will sign a waiver allowing the bank to refund your money.
Goodluck, Zarah Onyinye.
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A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.
One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
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Husband: Babe I'm at the shawarma spot, I want to get for myself, do you want and what do you want in it? Hot dog or chicken?
Wife: Babe, never mind, I am fine.
Husband: Babe, are you sure? I am not sharing o, I have been craving for this for a long time and I want to enjoy it,
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I was the only survivor of that accident, my friends died. I spent about 11months at the hospital and that left me with a condition that says I can't have children.
I gave my life to Jesus Christ and became a committed Christian after the incident.
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Questioning the vendor, he said they usually use people's details to register other sim cards which they resell to "car trackers" at a higher price.
On further interrogation, he confessed that he uses people's details to register sim cards which they sell to fraudsters,
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I told the man what she said and he laughed and said it is an old logic. They come with fake naira notes claiming they mistakenly pressed and withdraw the wrong amount.
When you are in a hurry to leave the long queue, you transfer the money to them and they give you cash.
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After my WAEC, I went for computer training in one of those road side computer schools.
There was this girl, Charity, an O' Level holder, who was also taking the training
After each training we'd stay behind and learn on our own. As Charity and I became closer, we fell in love
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Please, everyone be very careful in this times and season. Once you book bolt, send the plate number and phone number to any of you family members.
Also, when the bolt comes to pick you up, please, confirm if the plate number is same as the one on the app.
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To be sure, I secretly went for a DNA and it was clear I wasn't the father. I repeated the test for all 3 children and they are all not mine.
I have been living with this situation for the past 8 years and I am beginning to get irritated by both the children and my wife.
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"these guys again? Why doing these to innocent people"?, that was when I realized the gravity of what just happened. The second number was deregistered, the case was reported and the guy was picked up.
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My wife has the habit of always asking me, "How did it go?" each time I came back from court.
I had told her never to bother herself asking me such questions because she may not understand my response, but she was adamant.
Today, she asked me as usual, "Darling, how did it go?"
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In summary I became a pastor in a local church in my community 5years later and met my wife in the process.
I did not tell her about my condition because I was hopeful that God will heal me.
6 years into our marriage, my wife got pregnant and had 'our' first child.
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While talking with a female bank manager, she made a scary revelation to me. She told me how Nigerian bank vaults are filled with monies of dead men who kept their bank accounts secret from their wives.
She explained it was against bank ethics or policies for an account officer
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