A comedian’s job isn’t to make their audience feel safe. A comedian’s job is to get their ride share passengers home safely.

Here’s how much I listened in 2024. My biggest day was August 23 with 562 minutes. You? #SpotifyWrapped j https://t.co/xvkYutSME0

New episode with @holmesjokes is up now! This one explores the dark underbelly of mental health in comedy and we talk about golf! Please listen/rate/review!!!

Now that the eclipse is over @cnn will return to its regular programming where the sky is just falling.

It’s gonna be such a chill Tuesday at the eclipse glasses manufacturing plant.

Now all the astronomers will go linger near the exits and hope someone tells them that they had a good eclipse.

She’ll still be Caitlin from State Farm to me.

Really looking forward to Sunday’s final. Does anyone know what time the controversial call is scheduled for?

I’m tired of people pretending like women’s basketball existed before Caitlin Clark. All of the “records” she “broke” were put there by God along with the dinosaur bones to test our faith.

Hopefully someone writes a book about the time that LA comedians decided that taking pictures of the comics after the show was just as important as the actual comedy show itself. Such a great time for art (photography).

The refs have never once ruined golf. Don’t tell me golf is boring. Listening to basketball and football fans endlessly complaining about the refs is Groundhog Day level boredom.

The world would be a better place if the comments were turned off on everything.

Any time a product instructs me to store it in a cool, dry place I take it straight to the Mos Eisley Cantina.

The three most popular amateur sports in Iowa right now are pickleball, golf, and getting deeply and personally offended if Caitlin Clark isn’t exulted with the highest forms of praise imaginable.

A joke about sitting in the front of the Uber

Sometimes I’ll throw out bread that isn’t moldy because I think it should be moldy at this point and so now I’ve just lost faith in at as food.

I never finished college. I blame myself to a degree.

Die Hard is a Bearer Bonds movie.

I would dig through a bowl of broken glass if it had sesame sticks in it.

Politics on Facebook divided me from a lot of my old high school friends. I’m hoping the used youth sporting equipment they’re selling there now can bring us back together.