“Literally everyone should read this series“ - possibly the truest thing ever said on Twitter.

In London for the first time in a while. My god, it’s refreshing to be in a city where people know which side of the escalator to stand on.

Join millions who have switched to Grok.

On a busy train. On the other side of the carriage, 6 out of 8 of the double seats are occupied by one person, with their bag(s) on the other seat. Nobody standing, but people have walked through, looking wistfully at bag-filled seats. Are the double-seaters.

Einstein said Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. He obviously never used a computer printer.

Never been more tempted to sign up to Mail Plus. Is the answer scratch it? Is the sufferer interested in finding out why her arse has been so itchy? @DailyMail

Have started following five minute exercises on YouTube as part of my attempt to become less fat. During this morning’s five minutes I was told “remember to breathe” seven times. I never associated gym types with genius, but surely this level of instruction is excessive?.

Epileptics watching #Eurovision2025 must be getting a bit frustrated. What!!?? Another song with strobes? Alright Terry, I’ll go to the kitchen again. Shout when it’s over.

In house music competitions at school, we’d perform and think we did ok. Then we’d and watch the rest and think ‘oh shit they’re much better.’ So I know how Remember Monday are feeling and empathise #Eurovision2025.

My cat has a mildly irregular heartbeat, so the vet said I should get her a scan. "What kind of scan?" I asked. "Well . " said the vet.

Someone has been painting yellow cocks on the roads of genteel Milford on Sea. Many residents are older, conservative types who abhor rule breaking and frivolity. Thinking about their inevitable outage at this phallic graffiti near breaks my heart. Ps it wasn’t me.

Went for a seven mile run this morning, which is all well and good, but it does leave you feeling fucked up for the rest of the day.

Just let out an Ooo! of joy when I saw the council had delivered new recyling sacks. #52yearsold.

Is it just me who tips more the worse the service gets? I think I do it in case they saw me looking disappointed and I don’t want them to feel bad about themselves. Or, perhaps more accurately, because I don’t want them to hate me.

Forty years ago tonight my mother died. I bury my grief and I bury my rage, and I know she is with me in my every achievement and my every joy.

"@Microsoft is committed to improving your Microsoft 365 subscription" begins an email. Then it says I no longer get a free hour of monthly Skype, or Microsoft Publishing at all. I admire the modern corporate brazen, breezy bullshit that dares announce this as an improvement.

Judge your children by the way they talk to Alexa.

Hang on a minute America… Are you the baddies?.

of your working day and his school day sitting in a waiting room. Is there any way to see a doctor, other than this? I asked. Not if your GP referred you here, she said. I ended up getting a friend who is a vet to have a look at his foot. #NHS.

I said we will come back tomorrow. She said it will be the same wait. I said can we book a doctor slot for tomorrow? No, she said, that’s not how it works. I said can we come back, book a slot, go away and come back again? No. You’ve got to spend at least four hours.

On GP advice took my boy’s sore foot to the urgent care centre on Monday. Got there 5:45 pm. Also had my younger son as their mum is away. Triage nurse said the wait for the doctor was four hours, and they shut at 9:30 pm, so we could wait but we probably would not be seen.

But, the big problem is… What books should we listen to next? Obviously my books are just as good, but the boys are a bit young for those yet.