A Missed Whoppertunity

This is where I worked for a long time, on many serious and important stories, but most people are going to remember the time I got really drunk on Facebook Live for the sake of Super Tuesday coverage. And I am okay with that legacy.

I worked with many of the people who are now jobless after the axing of BuzzFeed News and can vouch for every single one of them. They are eminently employable, entirely enjoyable and deserve far better than this shabby treatment. Y'all will be far better off very soon! Promise!

(Emerging from monthslong seclusion in fallout bunker, shielding eyes from sun): Have...have they at long last stopped airing the Spectrum commercial with the Bud Light dilly dilly guy screaming "free"?

I somehow managed to injure myself folding sheets. Like, bleeding wound injury. Upon sussing out my uselessness to the tribe, I would absolutely be the first person killed off and eaten by survivors in a mountain plane crash.

Do people in media consume any other form of entertainment besides "Succession"? I'm not suggesting anything radical like reading a book, but maybe branch out just a little bit? "Alf" reruns? Because if I hear about this week's episode one more time I'm fleeing to a monastery.

It's a-me, existential dread!

Ass Interference. Butt Butt Hike. Rear End Zone. Etc.

HEADLINES FOR KEVIN MCCARTHY FAILING TO BECOME SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE: -KEVIN CAN WAIT -WE NEED TO BALK ABOUT KEVIN -SPEAKER NOW OR FOREVER HOLD YOUR PEACE -HOUSE PUNTERS -CORE LACK MCCARTHY -KEVIN DEADLY SINS -NEVER HAVE I KEVER -ARRESTED KEVELOPMENT -THE GREAT UNGAVELING

The anti-McCarthy wing committed political malpractice calling themselves "Never Kevins." Should've been "Never Kevers." Flows better, has a demeaning nickname built into it. It's not too late! Never Kevers assemble!

Began the new year same as I always do…softly weeping to the Turner Classic Movies in memorium montage. Tradition is important.

Humming the tune to “Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?” by Paula Cole as I’m digging through the hamper, but with the lyrics “Where have all the burp cloths gone?,” and thinking I’ve got a pretty solid parody tune I can market to corny parents.

BRITISH GENTLEMEN OUR BABY LOOKS LIKE WHEN SHE'S FUSSY: -Alfred Hitchcock -Charles Laughton -Winston Churchill -Benny Hill -Brendan Gleeson -Matt Lucas -Orson Welles (not British, but played Irish in "The Lady from Shanghai")

One of the MANY things they don’t tell new dads is that a Diaper Genie is basically just a sausage stuffer that makes blue hot dogs filled with filthy Pampers.

RIP, Kevin Conroy. You will be missed 📷: nycnikon/IG

Kansas City coming from behind to beat the Titans in overtime snatched this coming week from the jaws of a sullen, pissy, desultory mood. This is not a healthy emotional interaction with a spectator sport but it's all too far gone now and GO CHIEFS!!!

Nice compilation of opposing defenses trying to stop Travis Kelce.

If you see me smiling in public, please do not misinterpret it as my good nature or a willingness to engage in small talk. I more than likely have just seen a dog. Apologies in advance.

HEADLINES FOR KU COACH BILL SELF SUSPENDED AFTER FBI PROBE INTO COLLEGE B-BALL CORRUPTION: -Self Isolation -Bitter Bill To Swallow -My Governing Body, My Self -How A Bill Becomes A Scofflaw -Cited For Jayhawking -Coach Bagged -But KU Gotta Admit It Looks Bad -Self Imposed Exile

HEADLINES FOR DAN SNYDER HIRING BANK OF AMERICA TO EXPLORE SALE OF WASHINGTON COMMANDERS: -And Flushed The Snyder Out -The Snyder, Cut -Sny Low, Sell High -BofA Deez Wuts? -A Sny Of Relief -Washing His Hands Of Commanders -Casting A Snyder Net