Twice I missed Baba's call on Monday. He called back again after I returned his call and didn't connect. After speaking for two minutes, he called me back again immediately to pass on a message he had missed during the earlier call. I am lost for words.

https://t.co/WEHDU9SwQx

Latest figures from the Kenya National Bureau of Statistics (KNBS) show that Kisumu has a higher contribution to Kenya's economy than Nyeri, Murang'a, Kirinyaga, Nyandarua, Laikipia and Embu. Read https://t.co/Iik8Q02OA1 and save yourself from further embarrassment.

The @HudumaKenya Manager of the GPO Branch, Steve Odotte, is my village mate from across the river in Kolenyo. His mum is the one who prayed for us whenever we set off on a journey with things made from the hands of man. He will also go to heaven straight.

Good morning from Kisumu City, the envy of tourism enthusiasts who know real ball. We would've reminded you that we were voted the cleanest city in sub-Saharan Africa, but you already knew that anyway. Si uchawi, ni Professor.

You've always been a good man, Tony, way back from your CrossFire days. As for the operation, remember to take two after every drink. You'll be well, Big Bro.

Nyamira County has two luminaries running for President and only 18 new voters registered in the past two weeks. But if you speak you're in trouble.

Saa hii us Catholics we're drinking Altar Wine ordered from South African vineyards direct. If you've been adulterating our holy wine as shortcut to going to heaven, from today onwards you will have to first buy a ranch in Pretoria, import special sapling from Gallilee, and

Saturday Nation reports; Gachagua told Embu vernacular stations that he will no longer apologise to Ouru for the vile things he said about him, as there's nothing to apologise for. He has also rebuked opposition leaders lounging on the couch waiting for him to sweat in the sun,

Midusa is back from his evening walk, aggressively scratching his whiskers as if he's the one responsible for the Standard Newspaper headline tomorrow. Let me hide the remote before he begins screaming at the TV.

Oya, @StandardKenya. Kenyans have unanimously voted for this photo for your front page of tomorrow's Saturday Standard Newspaper. They're currently voting for the banger headline to go with it, and WHO'S THE CHICKEN NOW? has taken an unassailable lead. You're welcome.

Oya, @KANUParty_ke. Could you kindly check on Tony Gachoka? He's been typing and deleting since yesterday and we'd love to know if he needs a stiff drink. Kongoi.

BREAKING NEWS: The KANU National Delegates Conference (NDC), held at the Kabarak home of President Daniel Moi, has resolved to join the broadbased Gov't, barely hours after his son Gideon Moi pulled out of the Baringo Senate race. Someone wake up the Standard Newspaper editor.

BREAKING NEWS: It took the Standard Group social media admin exactly 14hours to say the serenity prayer, and leave words to preachers. "God grant him the serenity to accept the things he cannot change, courage to change the things he can, and wisdom to know the difference."

BREAKING NEWS: President William Ruto is received at the Kabarak Airstrip by Gideon Moi barely hours after the latter pulled out of the Baringo Senate race. Do not forget today is Moi Day, says Midusa.

BREAKING NEWS: Mwingi West MP Charles Nguna Ngusya (CNN) spotted at State House Nairobi, as his Wiper Party Leader waits for him at Uhuru Park for the NDC. There will be signs, says Midusa.

Had that been Raila Odinga seen waltzing through the State House backdoor at ungodly hours, today's Standard would've splashed a screaming frontpage headline with the image of a bloodstained villain, including a blow-by-blow account on the number of steps he made up the pavilion

There's no news on the Baringo Senate race on the front page of The Standard. No news is also news, says Midusa.

NTV have decided to close school with the Standard Media Group.

NEWS HEADLINES AT 9PM CITIZEN TV: Ruto Bags Gideon Moi NTV: Ruto Captures Moi KTN NEWS: Ruben Amorim given three more years at Old Trafford