176 days. 2200 miles. Half a million feet of elevation gain. More puddles full of frogs I drank outta during a drought than I can count. I've now hiked the entire Appalachian Trail.

these labs just called me a virgin-ass loser

I wrote about trying to fuck on a washing machine. "We were spun on the drug that dropped from our brains when I slipped inside her." https://t.co/5RAOIvPVYf

all ready for my first date in the Arby's parking lot

My leg went through the ice today so that's the end of this year's river walks. It's nature's way of telling me to do nothing but watch TV and cumrot 'til spring.

me during sex

eating her pussy with the parasitic louse that overtook my tongue

our 70+ neighbor is moving out and left her butt plug training kit in the apartment's free pile

Fleshlight for Pets! ™ Kickstarter launches as soon as I'm outta prison.

I nearly drowned after blowing a fat load while locked in my iron lung.

Years ago I lived in a car. One night I ate piles of pizza from a dumpster. It made me so sick I laid in my trunk unable to move for forty hours. Soon my body burned with fever. Felt as if Satan had forced his fiery cock inside me. A 🧵 on the dangers of dumpster pizza 🗑️👇🗑️

I asked my wife if she'd jack me off for Valentine's. She didn't answer, just kept watching Beast Games on mute. Then like three minutes later she farted so loud our dog ran under the bed.

For years I trolled Craigslist with a series of fake sex ads in order to elicit insane responses. Here's a thread of replies from when I played a woman who lost a leg then asked men to worship her stump.

The Catholic church is responsible for my love of shit wine. They aged Jesus for 2000 years but still He tastes like a pairing for Snausages.

I wrote about a man offering me fifty bucks to suck my cock. "He asked to eat my ass and I consented. Told me I’d love it. As he lapped his tongue all I could picture was a St. Bernard slathered in drool, gorging its food with flapping jowls." https://t.co/a6AAa9JQik

ATTENTION SINGLE LADIES: Feeling shitty on Valentine's? Well don't! For tonight only I'll be licking pussy in the Arby's parking lot. Look for the U-Haul with its flashers on.

I'm living proof that dentistry is yet another Big Pharma scam. I haven't been to one of those quacks in 23 years and am told I have an extremely unique smile. Plus my molars almost never fall out during sex.

Made my world-famous ribs for the Super Bowl party.

I walked all day along a frozen river. Saw lotsa coyote shit but sadly not enough to make me feel full.

I googled my name and a different me is in prison for selling meth to undercover cops. What's the other you up to?

Beer. That's it. Just beer. I love the taste, the smell, even its color. Just thinking of it brightens my day. And yes, my semi-truck plowing into that playground is regretful. But a judge claiming I can no longer carry a cold one on my person? That's Straight. Up. Orwellian.