jacques
@flamencolambada
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thinking about this exchange with my landlord in February
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my grandma during ww2. one of the only female soldiers, such a strong and powerful woman ❤️
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when I was 18 I talked to a guy from New South Wales for 2 months before discovering it wasn’t a part of Wales, but Australia. he’d literally send sunny selfies and I’d reply “wow such a beautiful part of the country, I’ve gotta visit soon” thinking he was near like... Swansea
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lockdown is really making me forget about my favourite hobby - looking at restaurant menu PDFs in anticipation of eating there 😔😔😔
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today marks 4 years since my Mum was clearing out my Grandad’s office after he’d died and discovered he had a massive porn collection including a DVD called “My Ass Is Haunted” - an iconic moment in our family history x
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just posted this through my neighbours door. she's only 50 but she's been a total bitch for the last 5 years x
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a potential paypig // why I need to move back into my own flat ASAP
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Just found this email I sent my mum when I was in Year 7. I’ve literally not changed x
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we were always told to upsell more than the customer wanted at L*sh and on my 2nd shift, aged 17, I convinced a woman to upgrade from a £20 gift to a £100 one and I watched as she walked with it straight past the till, out the door and lifted it lmaoo hope she’s having a good day
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today is the 10th anniversary of Mike Delfino’s murder, please give me the space I need, RIP xx
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I made my Nicki Minaj perfume bottles interact with each other behind social distancing screens
Mental-health crisis from pandemic was minimal, study suggests
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him: you better not be a cunty The Laughing Cow when i get there
me:
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every now and then I remember Nicole Scherzinger had to spend the first lockdown living on a British new build estate because she was over here seeing her boyfriend’s family when it started 😭
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@deliciouslykris
omg I haven’t replied yet because I didn’t think it deserved one/was feeling very WTF about it but here we fuckin go!!!
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been eating SO healthily the entire last month, min 600 calorie deficit every day, intermittent fasting (16:8), exercising regularly… just weighed myself and in 33 days I’ve lost 1 pound!!!! someone pass me a Jubilee Colin The Corgi, I’m off x
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So apparently there’s a dentist who works in the spire of the Chrysler Building
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Isn’t it mad that 13 years ago you could see The Pussycat Dolls supported by NeYo and Lady Gaga at £33 for the highest priced ticket!!! We used to be a proper country etc
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last night this guy in London asked me for feet pics… he gagged me a bit 😭
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seeing loads of images of the Queen this week has reminded me, a couple of years ago at work someone didn’t notice she wasn’t on a bank note, took one of THESE in their till and we weren’t allowed to laugh about it because it was “company theft” 😭
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this chair looks like if Nev from CBBC had lived a hard life
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The Clubcard app wouldn’t open in the shop so I paid £3.90 for a meal deal
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Social Media managers realising they’ve not met their monthly engagement targets
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you’d think after 8 years of broadband problems that Mel C would just leave Virgin Media x
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my Uber Eats driver promoting her music on my order, gotta respect her hustle 💪
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just walked past a previous Grindr shag with my mum who was like “who was that nice man who smiled at you? one of your uni tutors?” 🥲☺️🙂
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can’t stop thinking about my bestie breaking her phone and deciding the only solution was to take her massive iPad to her work Christmas party (so she could book an Uber home) and carried it around all night like a clutch 😭
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sometimes I feel close to deleting Facebook, but I always get reeled back in with incredible posts like this
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footage from a Spiceworld Tour show, 8 days before Geri left, has leaked… could she look any more DONE 😭
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last night I forgot my phone was connected to the Bluetooth speaker in the lounge, where my mum was watching TV, and it wasn’t until the second Grindr voice message played that I realised why I couldn’t hear them upstairs
she heard everything... Happy Mother’s Day mum 😩
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this cropped headline is still the funniest thing I’ve seen this year
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@formallyhuman
I ended up in A&E & unable to work for a week because of my asthma. Moved out as soon as I could but still had to pay rent for another 5 months 🤪
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last night I went round to a guys and b*ttomed while the Charli XCX single that’s not out for another 3 weeks played and I had to suppress a laugh as I thought about my h*le being tighter than her Google Drive security
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What’s a line delivery you’ll never forget?
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Went up to a staff member in a Sainsbury’s I’d never been to before and asked what aisle something was in and she angrily went “you’re the THIRD person to think I work here!!” like ok that sounds like a you problem at this point x
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you ok babe? you’ve not drank anything from your commemorative Charles & Diana (Ingram) mug
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A man in his 40s I’ve met from Grindr in the past has just offered me an interview with his husband’s architect’s office… LinkedIn is a dying platform.
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if you’ve ever drank a Corp blue pint then you don’t need to worry about what’s in the vaccine x
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I still scream at Geri Halliwell’s reaction to beating Boris Johnson on Top Gear’s Star In A Reasonably Priced Car
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I hate gay Halloween parties what do you mean you’re Yolanda’s Fridge
"I think anybody who visits my house, they always go, 'Oh my God! I want a fridge like that’”
#RHOBH
xx
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the tube door window perfectly framing Paul Mescal’s face in the All Of Us Strangers poster, a moment most pleasing to me
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been left on read for 2 weeks after I messaged “your balls smelled so good man” this is an absolute personal low
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when my friends can’t decide what to listen to but I’m in the mood for some early-1998 bangers
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every time I think I’ve hit a personal low I hit another one mere days later!!
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remembering this made me laugh so much that I’m having a 4 hour asthma attack & I am in A&E on an oxygen machine, I wish I was joking sksksksksks 💀
this cropped headline is still the funniest thing I’ve seen this year
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Ellie Goulding says she can’t believe there are more than 4 missing royals in the UK.
“Where the fuck are they all?” she said
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after years of thinking there was no photo evidence, this weekend my friend found a photo of my Atomic Kitten Ladies Night 6th birthday cake 😭😭
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why do they look like they’ve just joined Eastenders and are having their promo pic in Albert Square 😭
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I actually screamed at this text I got from my mum last night in the club 😭
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the co-op live arena every time an artist is ready to perform in it:
Due to a venue-related technical issue, tonight’s A Boogie Wit Da Hoodie show will no longer go ahead. We kindly ask fans to leave the area. Tickets holders will receive further information in due course.
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I didn’t become a little bit of a dove... I became a TURTLE dove
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once my mum found “Jake Wood Max Branning Eastenders Gay Naked” in the family PC search history... I about DIED of shame 😭
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there’s heartwarming coming out stories, there’s traumatic coming out stories and then there’s coming out to your Paris Hilton Heiress Diary aged 11 😭
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this furry thing really was the baddest bitch wasn’t she… so cunty. miss her.
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my mum’s started calling Bruce (our yellow lab) Brucey Bon Boulash and I am very much here for this
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every time I see Ne-Yo discourse on the timeline I think of this article about a woman from Nottingham
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just got ID’d by a really fit guy in M&S Food before he put my shop through and I had to tell him it wasn’t wine but the new fizzy Percy Pig juice cba
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how much of a f*g were you growing up??? I made a model of Kylie’s Aphrodite Les Folies tour stage for a Year 8 art project 💀
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last night Channel 4 reminded me of one of my favourite, silliest Simpsons moments of all time
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Long Covid has really been fucking me up all week, 4am yesterday I had to call an ambulance after 3 hours of struggling to breathe… upon entering my flat one of the paramedics said “is that a Geri Halliwell face mask on your shelf?” like now is not the time babe I need oxygen x
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me in 2010 when my second fave X Factor judge missed bootcamp because she’d got malaria
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actually Geri Halliwell stole that for the gays in 1997. not ur flag anymore. sorry hun x
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thinking about when I had an argument with my mum because she wouldn’t let me wear this combination of merch to a Non Uniform Day when I was 13
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can’t stop thinking about how one of my stepbrothers’ first celebrity crush was Juan Sheet
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just had to double take because I thought
@rinasawayama
had a tattoo of the word “fergalicious”
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today marks one year since I had my appendix out and was on so many pain meds I put a hospital sick bowl on my head and told the nurses I was called Joanne 💀💀💀
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yesterday in HMV a girl picked up a CD and said to her mum “it’s my favourite album of all time!!” and her mum was like “oh yes, you’ve got the vinyl” and I looked over and watched her put Gwen Stefani’s Christmas album back on the shelf. can’t stop thinking about it. cursed.
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you: stop retweeting Gemma Collins videos or I'll unfollow you
me:
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