Fahim Anwar
@fahimanwar
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Standup comedian who sometimes does other stuff.
Los Angeles
Joined March 2009
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My standup special HOUSE MONEY is LIVE folks. Give it a peep! Throw a thumb, comment, heart, or any of that algo jazz 🙏🏼
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I believe it was Jesus who said "Why should my tax dollars be used to keep you alive?"
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Facelift jab from the man fighting baldness by growing 3 hairs a mile long and wrapping them around his head like a pube turban
...to Mar-a-Lago 3 nights in a row around New Year's Eve, and insisted on joining me. She was bleeding badly from a face-lift. I said no!
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Couple years ago on my brother’s birthday we were at Snoqualmie Casino. He wanted me to hit the dance floor because he thought it would look absurd and he wanted to film it. He was right.
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Mario in the streets but a Wario in the sheets. Amirite ladies?!?!?
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My dad has never approved of my standup comedy career. I just picked him up from the airport and he proceeded to tell me how funny the Southwest flight attendant was. This is trolling mastery and the best part is it’s completely unintentional. Pure raw talent.
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Weird the NFL wouldn’t run this.
The Goatface Sketch Special on Comedy Central is Toniiiiiiiiiight!!!!! 10p (cc:
@hasanminhaj
@alicomedy
@athiras
@goatfacecomedy
)
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U ever let ur mask hang off one ear and pretend ur a fighter pilot
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Saw the Marco Rubio town hall clip. Thought it needed something.
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How pissed would u be if Listerine killed Covid this whole time
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Look. Guys. I’m gonna drink coffee at a diner until my knee bounces uncontrollably and that’s just the way it is.
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Sometimes I'll pay my doctor extra to say "Your football career is over" after his diagnosis just to make me feel like I had one.
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Pizza place napkins are so thin they’re like “Here’s an idea of a napkin.”
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Women, please stop fucking men with loud motorcycles. You have the power to end this.
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“Get rich or die trying” is the perfect slogan for our healthcare system.
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DAD FISH: In my day we had to swim UPstream. We didn’t have tubes!
TEEN FISH: (rolls eyes on opposite sides of head) Whatever dad. *puts headphones on. enters tube*
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I like how the emoji gun laws have gotten stricter over time with each mass shooting rather than real life. Shoutout to Microsoft and Facebook for keeping it real tho.
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Here I am after a 16 hr shift. I wanna thank u guys for all the lunches.
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Why can we make a silencer on guns but not construction equipment?
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Hey, tell me what the thing is. Don't ask me if I'm free a certain day. Be a decent human being and give me the option to lie.
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You ever order a meal thinking it’s one thing and then it comes out and ur like “What the fuck is this?” but u smile and pretend you haven’t made a grave mistake?
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I like how everyone's mom in the future will have tried to be an Instagram model for a brief period.
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Bill Burr hosting SNL makes me happy. You can spend ur time looking for shortcuts or you can DO 👏🏼 THE 👏🏼 WORK
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There’s a bunch of Pakistani dudes at the gym today. What happened?
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Would suck if u looked like a fatter version of Leonardo DiCaprio and ur name was Leonardo DiGiorno
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Yooooo this is fucking crazy and my favorite credit to date!!!!!
@FortniteGame
used a video of me dancing in my apartment that I posted on YouTube SIX years ago for the new “Vibin Emote.” Life is weird ppl.
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So every ride share takes 30 minutes to arrive and is 100 dollars now?
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My whole special “There’s No Business Like Show Business” now available for free on YouTube.
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Shoutout to everybody who closes the menu then has to open it again to remember what you wanted when the waiter comes cuz u get nervous.
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Jared Leto returns from a 12 day meditation retreat yet again
“What the fuck?!”
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Celebrities are like should I be starting a podcast or liquor company?
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DJ Khaled still makes his wife 69 with him but he just eats a roast beef sandwich the whole time.
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I bought a $12 party light off Amazon. This is the result.
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My favorite genre of film is muscular man must take care of kids.
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Every time I eat at the counter by myself I pretend I’m Wolverine
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Two dudes in Denver last night got me and
@nealbrennan
’s tab at a restaurant and didn’t try to say hi, even leaving before we finished. They are the Batman of fans.
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They always wanted to put me in a box but I just wanted to be me. I decided to make a special on my own terms in my own way.
This one's for the streets!
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The only thing that’s made me smile regarding this whole tragedy.
#RIP
Kobe once came into my mom’s store in 2011, my mom asked for an autograph but had nothing for him to sign. She pulled out a photo of me from her wallet and he autographed it. RIP
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Every relationship I’ve ever been in has started by commenting on a bikini photo of a girl with 1M plus followers, “Looking good!”
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Younger comics, if you do a show and it’s light, remember, those ppl WANT to be there. If they didn’t they wouldn’t be in those chairs. They won’t have fun if you won’t.
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Ted Cruz looks like Wolverine's step brother who always makes Thanksgiving weird.
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A girl asked me to switch to a shittier seat so she could sit with her boyfriend. I said no and I’ve never felt more alive.
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Macrodosing sounds much better than “I’m getting fucked up.”
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I have an iPhone 11 and inadvertently turn the flashlight on ALL the time. Anyone else have this problem?
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I like how everyone suddenly has a spine with 13 days left.
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Modern dating: Well, I liked 5 of their photos. The rest is up to them.
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What if Justin Timberlake reunites with the holograms of N*SYNC even though they're still alive, watching at home like "...wtf?"
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You guys are willing to believe there are flying dragons and white walkers but not a single Starbucks in Winterfell? Oooooookay
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David Blaine walks into a grocery store without a mask for 8 minutes. Everyone is yelling at him. He reveals he’s been holding his breath the whole time. No one cares.
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Imagine getting divorced and still having enough money to go to space
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i think the funniest thing about the Pepsi fiasco is Kendall Jenner looked at the script and was like "Yeah, cool. I'm in."
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So Postmates drivers are essentially firefighters right now.
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Whenever I’m at a restaurant I ask the waiter “What do you like?” Then order something completely different as a power move.
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I like when someone “just shows up” on a reality show like they mic’d themselves at home.
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Kyrie plays in Cleveland because NY and LA are too close to the edge.
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Standups, build it urself. Don’t bet on gatekeepers who go to one show a year.
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so cool how all of Toronto gathered to watch Drake watch the game.
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I’ve gotten quite a few DMs about this quote from when I was on JRE. I thought it was just a me thing. Maybe it’ll help some ppl learn this lesson before I did
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Was shocked to learn 98% of couples carved into trees don’t remain together.
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Every time Mayweather and Paquiao clinched they'd whisper "We're making so much money" into each other's ears.
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Sometimes I’ll piece together a meal from various leftovers in my fridge like I’m assembling an Ocean’s 11 crew
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Actors get headshots every month. Standup comedians have one from when they were 22.
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I fucking hate this time of year because every time I break dance in my Statue of Liberty costume everyone thinks I know where they can get their taxes done.
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