bayesian asian (31/50 paintings)
@etirabys
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Fanfic, code, painting, goop about partners. Tumblr dual citizen, old school rationalist. Big blocker :(. Twitter is a query language, tag me in good polls
Joined July 2012
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I once read an autism in the workplace explainer that said "if you ask an autistic person in an interview why they're better qualified than other candidates, they might say 'I don't know, I haven't met the other candidates'."
:/ there's literally no other sane response...
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favorite tumblr post I've reblogged in a while
(painting attached in next tweet, strongly recommend reading the text first)
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I'm terrified of 'bugs' but am much less scared of the subset I parse as "having jobs"
bees have jobs
spiders kind of have jobs
ants definitely have jobs
but: millipedes do NOT seem to have jobs. They have a high ratio of legs to probability of employment. very scary!
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my parents signed me up to see a therapist when I was a teen in Korea. I didn't completely open up to the guy but I said some real stuff. at the end of the session he called my parents in and told them some of the stuff I'd said
not sure how you get to that level of fucking up
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"under the present brutal and primitive conditions on this planet, every moose you meet should be regarded as one of the walking wounded. we have never seen a moose not slightly deranged by either anxiety or grief. we have never seen a totally sane moose"
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depressed, in bed, trying to intellectualize way out. my world is made of words
notice weird green glow on ceiling
get up & look out the window, past the roll of blackout film. see new leaves on tree outside. sunlight bouncing off them caused the glow
tree isn't made of words
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at age 22 I was like, I notice that I am becoming less cringe/fuckupy every year. one day I will be zero cringe. that's the goal
and then when I was 26 I thought, gdi, the rate will never be zero, I must radically accept nonzero cringe
at 29 I feel a secret 3rd thing
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New boyfriend R: "You're clearly descended from entities that were good at reproducing."
me, after a mulling pause: "Thank you. That is the compliment that most other compliments are a proxy for."
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I had a criticism for my spouse after a social event, and noticed that he had zero defensiveness when I said it to him. I mean, I notice this whenever I give him criticism, I just noticed it again.
After the object level matter was resolved (which took 2 minutes) I told him
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we date women not because it is easy but because it is hard
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Robert Sapolsky, in A Primate's Memoir, recounts explaining the common ancestry of primates to Masai herdsman in the area where he was studying baboons
(one of my all time favorite books btw – half travelogue and half pop baboonology book)
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new heights of extraversion - was at an airport, saw some guys repairing these friction lines, went up to them and asked questions
the lines turn out to be called 'grip strip' and they are using a 'putty knife' and a 'margin trowel' to apply it. The mixture will dry in 15m
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I see a recurring type of tweet that goes, "the most enlightened people probably never Post about enlightenment, they're playing with their children and walking in nature"
My spouse posts extensively in specialized fora about his technical field and one particular video game,
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how much I appreciate this quality. He replied with something like, “Thank you! I really worked on that. It was hard. I used to be very defensive and argumentative, and I decided I wanted zero of that, so I stamped it out of myself whenever I noticed it.”
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my mom doesn't have good theory of mind (can't parse others' preferences, treats norms as Edifices of Truth rather than contingent social agreements) and was never going to be a great parent, but she does love babies. It's weird being loved by someone who wishes you were a baby
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did not make Marcus Aurelius proud during my pap smear today
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a toddler is spontaneously explaining electricity to us and my husband and I are somberly questioning him on his understanding like a dissertation committee
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getting into MtG has been a marriage booster
- now that I know what gaming feels like from the inside, I've flipped from seeing game mode husband as "in trance" to "person who is mentally crunching a bunch of spreadsheets for fun"
- his mind moves so fucking fast, it's sexy
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but it would never occur to him to talk online about this. There's stuff, braggy stuff even, that he enjoys talking about, but psychological self-management just isn't something his brain is configured to emit lots of words about.
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(90% a joke)
I have a specific lead poisoning compassion mantra for these adults at this point in my life
You Have No Theory Of Mind Because You Lived In A Rapidly Modernizing Country With A Ton of Pollutants That Gave You Low Grade Brain Damage. That Must Be Hard
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the fertility rate is down because bars and restaurants blast music too loudly btw. men and women can't hear each other well enough to discover parenting compatibility
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My "want kids" number crept up from 0% to 80% over the past decade, so I'm probably going to try it.
The real shift is probably illegible brain stuff but obviously there was a fair amount of explicit analysis. There are 2 things that changed my mind, one 'nice' and one not.
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"What?" said I, who hadn’t realized you could go from very defensive to zero defensive with mortal effort, or that you could spend your TWENTIES?! your ENTIRE. TWENTIES. not being a defensive human person. I sank into a speechless meditative well of love. “How interesting.”
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and when I say fucking up I don't mean morally. I guess there's that too but I'm uninterested in that right now. It's just so instrumentally irrational. The kid is never going to trust you again. I was supposed to have phone sessions with him after that but I think I just hung up
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and I'm serious about expecting him to be physically assaulted. The 5 seconds after he started talking were one of the most intensely red hot vengeance filled times of my life
why would he do that to mentally ill teens?? does he not care about uhhh his personal safety...
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scifi fragment: professional parents in an immortal society
everyone's been around for 10K years, everyone knows who the 100x parents are. you unfreeze embryo when you get off the waitlist for one. ppl meet at bars, say "who parented you? hell yeah, that's my dad too"
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I did the thing that guys classically are told not to do with their gfs because I, a non-guy, assumed I was safe from this one
bf was anxious about a life decision and started to process it with me, and I said, "oh, you should make a decision market. I'll help you set it up"
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“When did you start doing that?”
“When I was sixteen. It took a while, I think I got to ‘zero defensiveness’ by the time I was twenty.”
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at no point in this process did anyone warn me that was going to happen. if that was his M.O. I wouldn't be surprised if he got physically attacked by a teenager at some point
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at age 28 I have discovered that I like drinking and going clubbing (better late than never) and have been shopping intensively for clothes for the first time since 2016
only to discover that clothes have started sucking
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One of the most !! things I've read is that humans tend to be religious because they have such a long & vulnerable childhood in which it's correct to rely on higher powers, get moral guidance from them, and assume the physical environment has been purposefully arranged by them.
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bonkers couples' workshop story (h/t my tumblr friend nextworldover)
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I can see a teen boy with 30% more problems than me at that point knocking stuff off his desk and making a sincere effort to break some of his furniture
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1. this video is incredibly hypnotic even though there's so little going on (I've watched it 8 times)
2. there's SO MUCH training data from vine, tiktok, and youtube on what make a short video go viral
superstimulus rollercoaster go tac tac tac tac
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she also enjoyed being pregnant and having a bond with her unborn child and so forth
it's surreal hearing about it. Wow, this meant so much to you and I the adult am the weird, like, waste product of that spiritual experience. interesting
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what even is the most effective way to shift norms in America so that people stop watching loud videos in public transit or public spaces without earbuds
it's just so bad here
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which of these multiples of 7 most has the 𝘷𝘪𝘣𝘦 of being divisible by 7?
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they should invent a type of festival where you get enough sleep
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reminiscence of the time where I got into a fight with a guy I thought was annoying and a slightly bad person, but he donated more of his income to effective charities despite earning much less than me, so he immediately won the argument hands down by my deepest standards
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I took up jogging 2.5 months ago. I'm going off the c25k schedule, which slowly ramps you up from couch potato fitness to being able to run a 5k. This was much more effective than just trying to get into jogging by mimicking other, fitter, joggers,
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The non-nice reason is that my valuation of what I can provide to the world went down.
Until my mid 20s I thought I was on track to be a Person of Significant Economic/Social Output. I no longer think this.
So my understanding of my comparative advantage changed.
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> trying to get Ambien because it worked for me in 2020 and my sleep problems are even worse now
> go to doc, say this, mention that I've also tried the obvious & less redflaggy sleep meds and they didn't work for me
> she pulls up my controlled substances prescription record
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I'm considering cutting contact with my parents for good, and made this meme while processing my sads about how their support for my education CAUSED much of the rift, because they didn't realize how much weird shit I was picking up from the English books they bought me
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before it dries they also have to sprinkle sand on top and press in with the knife/trowel.
I was writing this down in a notebook, and they asked me what for, and I told them I'm sick of not knowing the words for things.
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there's an 18 year old in my weekly remote DBT therapy group who brought up that she's been trying to problemsolve what to major in. says she wants to major in English and become an English professor or a writer
people made encouraging noises because there's a group norm,
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I have a qualitatively different relationship with being cringe or hurting people's feelings - it used to be that every instance felt like a permanent black mark on an ever growing stack
cringe/fuckups still feel terrible, obviously, but the "ever growing stack" feeling is gone
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good memory: on hike with crush & someone said I (slowest) should be the pace car
"what's a pace car?"
"racing term – car that sets the speed max for the group"
"ah, cool – it's described by its reversed string, 'race cap'"
crush: "did you figure that on the spot??"
"yes :)"
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I labeled dance as cringe for most of my life; ~20% of it might stem from one incident in 8th grade PE
I was playing around during the mandatory stretches & discovered I could move my hands in a way that "felt beautiful", and then 2 guys started snickering and pointing me out
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almost a rule, that you don't have object level takes about stuff (only meta stuff about which emotional strategies are suited for which problems). I like this rule but those minutes were really bleak to sit through. It felt sociopathic
need more Asian parenting in the US
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now they "just" feel like bad shifts in an ecosystem - "too many deer this year, a grass went extinct"
some multivariate update (on top of which other multivariate updates can be made)
in retrospect, the "ever growing black mark stack" frame added unnecessary suffering
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sometimes it feels like I don't know the words for anything!
I'm going through the corridor that's outside of the airport building and leads into the airplane, I don't know what it's called either
(edit: just asked the flight attendant, it's called a jet bridge)
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> appointment basically ends there – I try to gently ask about her decision process and she shuts me down immediately
> weirdly upsetting & dehumanizing experience
> hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate
> I want! to! fucking! sleep!
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manifold dot love is a wonderful website where I can filter for my city and see all the people I've already been flirting with or dating for 6 years, plus a couple I hate passionately
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"Obviously one of those markets will resolve as N/A because you didn't take that fork, but – oh. Wait. I was supposed to listen to you talk about your feelings."
"That was the classic checkpoint, yes"
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once I gathered up willpower and tried to Make Things Be Less Broken by asking my dad the starter question of "what are your close friendships like" and he replied with "I don't have close friends, family is the most important thing to me" and I slunk away in confused horror
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81k said to me that he'd seen a tweet around these parts going "every community is 1 horny asian girl away from being destroyed" and I need a link. please. it's important
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My mom is never weird/mean about THAT, but she reminisces relatively often about how cute I was when I was 5. I'll be sitting on the call feeling formless dread and sadness. That was clearly a fulfilling and joyous time for her and I cannot possibly give her more of it. It's gone
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The nice one is that I surveyed all the things I value that I'm scared childrearing will destroy – my career, multiple creative endeavors, travel and socializing. I asked myself whether it was enough to sustain me all my life.
The answer was no.
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a weird thing about the internet is that the two ways to get clout are to be successful at your day job or to be a NEET who does little but hone their posting and make friends. so at parties you run into both the ceo of blahblah and jim who's in dms with everyone 15 hours a day
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farted on my big spoon spouse & tried to discern whether his objection was to the fart molecules or the vibrations. posed scenarios like 'there is a portal to another planet at my anus' or 'I'm standing across the room but a chain of hair dryers transports the gas to you'.
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something I notice in group therapy: people seem to ramble on and on, but this is more a fact about me - I'm way more online than average, and have a baseline entertainer mindset. If the thing bursting out of me is boring I keep it short. If it's interesting I let it go on more
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I regret to inform you they are very cute.
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angey at my boyfriend for continually putting off a task while also promising that he'll do it while also never remembering it exists until I ask how it's going
I'm superior. I continually put off tasks and let people down WHILE THINKING ABOUT THEM ALL THE TIME AND HATING MYSELF
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sometimes when my self esteem is low I go and read airbnb hosts’ reviews of me saying I’m “quiet and polite”, “clean”, “welcome back in their home anytime” and then I feel pretty good about myself
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i'm sitting at a normie friend group bar hangout thinking "why are we not playing an intrusive questions game (like the one i played a few days ago with online friends who were in town)"
I have like death grip syndrome but with emotional intimacy
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humans love to hide that they're mad at each other & to worry all the time that others are mad at them. this is responsible for the hominid intelligence explosion btw
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here's another depressing animal, a South American camelid called the vicuna
the basic social organization is a polygynous harem; the male children are driven out by the patriarch and join bachelor herds, sorta circling around & looking for their chance to be a patriarch
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when I was in high school, my businessman dad (most successful person on his side of the family) pointed me at an academic competition & gave me the signup paperwork
I said, “okay thanks I’ll do it later”
and he said, “why? why not do it now?”
he was *genuinely baffled*
when you meet someone extremely successful, and then watch them work and you're like "oh, right, that makes complete sense'
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Partially because I was reading in isolation without speaking English to other people much, partially because I have an incurious personality, partially because until relatively recently, asking strangers questions to resolve minor fleeting curiosities was unthinkable
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I invite you to rec me (JUST) ONE album where you think most songs on it are good. I'll download it on Spotify to and listen while I'm internetless for 3wks in Antarctica
if I like it I'll gush & pay you $10 when I'm back. But realistically I won't, sorry. I hate most music :(
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old work in progress: the cat that does not want to be petted
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I now respect the owners of small or failed of cringey businesses (that aren't scams) more than people in most normal life paths. My respect ranking used to be flipped 10 years ago
"why'd you do that dumb thing" => "ah you're in the league of people who shot their shot"
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SPOUSE. CAN YOU BE WORSE AT SOMETHING
(remembers that he's annoyingly bad at flipping the laundry on time)
NO NOT LIKE THAT. BE WORSE AT SOMETHING IN A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT WAY
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spouse and I are trying to decide whether to bid on a house in the Bay to raise kids with multiple childhaving friends who all live v near each other. a house opened up in an ideal spot
house itself sucks a bit, and we'd bleed a lot of money to various costs. scared and stressed
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> stims & Klonopin there, but not Ambien. I didn't know about this record, but even if I did I would have expected Ambien to be there. Can't account for the absence. It was from the same doctor
> she thinks I'm lying for drugs when I was freaking telling the truth for drugs
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@manipulanda
whichever partner had a worse family should take their spouse's surname. don't endorse, would cause so much drama, but it's appealing on the axis of persisting the names of loving families more than unloving ones
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there's yellow and black angled striped tape on the sides of the floor, and idk why THAT'S there or what it's called.
I've read so much fiction. So many words without ever mapping them to the physical things they corresponded to
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Does there exist a realistic accident-oriented VR driving sim where you train to do the deathinjury-minimizing thing given 0.5s of warning in a variety of situations?
This would be both fun and address my True Objection to driving which is "no training data for the scary stuff"
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Conway's Game of Life but it's people at the dinner table getting on and off their phones depending on who else is on or off their phones
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Oh man, I love this hypothesis
(source: most recent ACX post, Janus Simulators)
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the tumblr shit rarely plays well here but nevertheless I persist
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one of the miracles of the modern economic system is that I can have millions of little positive sum trades with human beings all across the world who would hate or be hated by me if we ever met in person
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if your culture bans red clothes and the only people you know who'd wear red do it break norms generally and indiscriminately, you might see an American in red and go "yikes, the only reason to do that is if you're a bad person"
tattoos & analyzing bestiality are like this
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@E_Aesthete
my husband very much does argue!
but I have never gotten the sense from him that he’s making an argument to protect his ego
(whereas almost everyone else I am close to, including me, gives me this sense sometimes)
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giving feedback to a younger person (out of strong desire to see them succeed) & wow it's tricky to say "when I was your age I thought X, 5 years later I thought Y" w/o coming off as pulling rank
I'm trying to give info about a trajectory I predict in their own mental evolution
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idk. I don't think this thread would change my younger self's mind. Probably not helpful to anyone in her shoes
I'm eh about making these posts – vague yet triumphant yet unactionable - but vibecamp has made me hyperaware of how much I've changed. So it's been on my mind
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I keep writing ambitious porn drafts and then watering them down to milquetoast, so I'm delighted by an idea that's hard to water down:
It's a highly sexually dimorphic species where the females factory farm the much larger males for meat. Our hero is a male who has been reared
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spouse is one room over but I'm quarantining in my room, so yesterday we videocalled and read a paper together over screenshare
we couldn't figure out what 1 sentence meant. I said "let me ask GPT4"
"ohhhkay," he said skeptically. we watched as it emitted obviously bad answer
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I once sketched out a world where life goals set in adolescence and don't budge after that. So adults try real hard to make kids care about engineering not tetris
The impetus for designing this: since age 17 I've had the unshakeable sense that my calling is to write pornography
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Why do I have such Michelangelo ass knees in this photo?
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