ellyn marsh
@ellynmarsh
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just a mom. sometimes people pay me to sing. usually they ask for a refund. it's fine. people listen to stupid stuff I say into a mic
New york
Joined April 2009
Car dealer : what are you looking for in a car? Me: Car dealer : Me: well...I guess it would have to be.... Car dealer: Me: automatic ? Car dealer : sure, so not a manual. Me: yeah. And also systematic... Car dealer: ok... Me: hyyyyyyydromatic. Car dealer: get out.
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Mom: you get back here! Teen: no! (Teen leaves) Mom: where are you going? Teen: I dunno! Probably go out and do a buncha Tylenol. (Slams door) Mom: (through tears- whispers) oh…oh dear god…no please no(yells) NOOOOOO! FIN.
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I’ve been thinking a lot about this Tylenol causes autism thing and my only question is release the Epstein files.
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Dear god, Can we do a swapsies? Hear me out-You give us Malcolm Jamal Warner back…
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I will never look at ceiling fans the same. #KarenReadRetrial
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Yeah sex is fun but have you ever stood in your kitchen sobbing while watching people shaving cancer warriors’ heads then shaving their own?
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“Hi there, I won’t be in to work today…I’m calling out Sara Bareilles and Cynthia Erivo performing for The Tony Awards' In Memoriam. I’m not well. Thanks.”
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Breaking News: Micheal Che and Colin Jost to receive a PAY CUT for their work on SNL’s Weekend update. Producers of the show site that they aren’t spending writing jokes anymore they are just reading the actual news.
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If you at all stand to benefit …in ANY way, from something I’m hyper fixated on? YOU’RE FUCKING WELCOME. That level of commitment and drive is elite. Don’t ask me to fold the laundry. Literally never happening. #adhd
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I’m not doing resolutions for myself this year, but I have some notes for y’all.
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Respectfully, if you’re not prepared to talk about Cynthia Erivo’s riff on “limb” in “I’m Not that Girl”…I’m not interested. #wicked
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My ballot didn’t include the option to vote to end paper straws. Anyone else?
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Video challenge: Video your young daughters in ten years when you explain to them you voted against their bodily autonomy cause grapes were too ‘spency ☹️
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A haunted house, but it’s just a house with bunch of people in your life saying “I need to talk to you later”.
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If you don’t dress your baby up in something hilarious and self serving while they don’t have a say, you get your kids taken away. Sorry. 🎃
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A haunted house but it’s just a big ol house with a buncha people and everyone is mad at you for different and unspecified reasons. In order to get out, you have to figure out why they are mad. 🎃Happy spooky season! 🎃
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Does anyone know of a place that offers a zoom course in how to be normal?
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