eliza
@elizamclamb
Followers
20,760
Following
682
Media
326
Statuses
3,587
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I hate when my boobs ruin an outfit. Like we could have been serving cottagecore but thanks to you guys it’s milkmaid MILF
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In line to see Barbie and people keep telling my boyfriend they “love his Ken.” The man is not dressed up
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When you borrow a tampon from a girl and she gives you a light one.. it’s like wow ok sorry didn’t know I was in the presence of the most dainty and delicate pussy in the world
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Asked my bf what’s the thing he gets the most anxious about in our relationship and he said my peanut allergy …
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My bf is hunting (on a work call) while I’m gathering (saving Instagram reels to show him when it’s over)
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Every time I scratch my cat’s neck I’m like..think about how much an animal has to trust you to let you put your hand on it’s throat…though we have never spoken she sleeps at my feet every night and we have a love that transcends both species and language..
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There was a guy at the set last night who was hooting and hollering and filming the entire thing. As the opener I’m like this is probably just a drunk fan of the headliners. Come to find out it was my HIGH SCHOOL DRUG DEALER who came out to support.. king I will always remember u
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Omfg imagine not being able to be a crazy ex gf in peace can she have nothing..
everytime selena gomez mentioned or did something related justin and hailey bieber after they marriage ~ a thread
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I love how Dyson’s whole thing is just Air. Like yeah we make the things that suck it in with the dust. And also the things that blow it out for your hair. And also for your hands in the public restroom. Fuck with me
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Jealous of everyone who gets drunk and does normal things like online shop. Tell me why I just got this email
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Boyfriend got bored at coffee bc he forgot to bring a book so I’ve just been telling him women to Google
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Tried to send a text via Siri today but I just got home and had to greet my cats
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Has anyone figured out how to visit your hometown without reverting to your 15 year old self ? Lmk
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Witnessing male sluts in real life is so electrifying. Just some guy standing up reading Foucault in the dead center of the aisle at the indie bookstore. I hope you get what you came for king
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My favorite hack as a college dropout who still loves to learn is simply Googling “(subject of interest) syllabus.” Hundreds of college syllabi will show up. Figure out the overlap to find what essential texts / materials seem to be. The internet is good if you want it to be !!!!
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The final frontier of modern feminism is the idea of the “bikini line” … why the hell am I not seeing bushes out on the beach. Every year millions of pussies are ripped raw and chafed for absolutely no reason. It’s just not of God’s design
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Too much tummy ache discourse. The headache girlies suffer mercifully in SILENCE. Lugging around 6000mg Excedrin at all times. Suddenly needing 5 hours to lie down with a bag of frozen tater tots on the neck. We are the rightful queens to the common physical ailment throne
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Feeling emotional, almost to the point of tears, about this photo in a Northern California gas station
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Asked my bf to pull the car over because I thought he said “females” (he said fingernails)
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Sometimes the only thing standing between me and full misandry is this video
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The reason you’re in pain is that you haven’t taken the comforter from your bed and brought it to the couch. You haven’t made a breakfast porridge with kitchen scraps and put on a documentary about a cult. On that couch under the big comforter. I’m just trying to help
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The etiquette of eating fast food in the parking lot is similar to urinals like.. please don’t pull up next to me. IMm doing my business
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the Jonah Hill texts are spookyyyy! there is nothing more terrifying and familiar than a douchebag who goes to therapy to affirm his belief that he is uniquely special and that his “boundaries” can include controlling other people’s autonomy
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The best thing about cats is that they don’t have a dog smell. For example one of my cats smells like Chex Mix and the other one smells like a Webkinz. Just one of the many ways they illuminate my humble life
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Remembering when I used the jstor login of a casual hookup for months after
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Sometimes carrying a big ass bag with everything in it is so embarrassing like girl why do I have the moleskine on me at the club
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Confidence activist it seems I’ve grown quite fond of you tho there are no sexual urges or desires you come to me as a long lost friend whom I once picked apples with in papa’s orchard
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Something about me is I can always tell when someone hasn’t worked a service job. Like you simply don’t have the fortitude to stand in a Jamba Juice hungover at 7:13am knowing you got 6 hours left in your shift
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referred to myself unironically as a gay Ally today on the phone w my friend and she was like eliza can I remind you we’ve literally had sex with each other before
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Sylvia Plath knew exactly what she was talking about when she wrote “toss your hair in a bun, drink some coffee, put on some gangsta rap, and handle it.”
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Showed this tweet to my bf and he said “the girlfriend facts are depressing. Like when you told me it’s legal for medical professionals to do non-consensual cavity searches on women while they’re under anesthesia”
Obsessed with boyfriend facts. What do U mean “the nuggets” have won the game. I love you
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Obsessed with boyfriend facts. What do U mean “the nuggets” have won the game. I love you
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Just fell to my knees
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@seetheproblem
I was reading The Right to Sex: Feminism in the 21st Century and not speaking to him. As Boyfriend he is contractually obligated to fulfill my will (Googling women) and trust me in my highest knowledge. Thank you for your concern
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Oh no…gauche and unforgivable..while Lana was swapping elf bars with the Waffle House line cook by the dumpster her imitator fails in a steam-pressed proletariat uniform..she affirms her own distance from the Real in such a failed integration, lacking the spirit. Sad
Charli D'Amelio working as a cashier at Walmart in new video.
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And I do believe that if Pitbull were to rebrand as Pibble he would see a massive resurgence
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My least favorite part of the dystopia is the ads on the gas pumps that play automatically. Wbu
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Having recurring dreams where The Person apologizes to me.. girl stand up
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It was such a cruel trick to make fat kids think that wearing a shirt to the pool would make it better. Coming out of the water hearing that THWACK of the cotton hitting your skin trying to get it to stop clinging..8yr old me hunched like an elder clutching a sopping ham&cheese..
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If you have a nice house it should be illegal to have your curtains drawn to street facing windows. If you’re gonna be hiking up the property value I’m gonna need to take a peep at those vintage bookshelves. Let me see
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Thought I was really killing it with my form in yoga today and then the instructor looks directly at me and goes “LOVE that modification! Yes! Make it work for YOUR body!”
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@hotimbecile
Julia Butterfly Hill, Barbara Smith, Rachel Corrie, Adrienne Rich, Connie Converse, Audre Lorde, Gloria Anzaldúa
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I met a stranger while camping alone in Colorado and lived out of his van with him for a month
Mental-health crisis from pandemic was minimal, study suggests
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A modern day bard, a prophet, a poet..
Azealia Banks comments on Taylor Swift and Matty Healy’s rumored relationship:
“Taylor, this guy is gonna give you scabies. He’s not on the level of powerful puss u worked HELLA hard to build.”
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Shiv birth montage to Bohemian Rhapsody (a la Glee), Kendall catches the baby, holds it up to the camera and says “we’ve chosen..the successor” and then gets dragged offscreen by a large cane
What are your predictions for the finale of SUCCESSION?
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@raynefq
exhibit A : max taking these photos of us cause he noticed our bows looked cute together
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me 10 minutes after leaving the house convincing myself i’ve left both doors wide open, all four burners on with a lit match in the center, the bathtub faucet on, and locked my cat in the washing machine while it’s running
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I think a lot of you would be happier if you let loose on the chains of a very strict definition of monogamy. I thought the video was cute
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I feel like ppl have soooo many misconceptions about LA but then again today I was asked to list my zodiac sign on rental application. So
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My mom didn’t ask me to sing at her wedding because she didn’t want to put pressure on me. &I was like I don’t care queen it doesn’t feel high pressure I’ll sing whatever. And then she was like ok great then can you sing an Aretha Franklin song??? Ma’am.
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Yeah girl cause it’s made out of fishing line and probably by children
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The tragic thing is The cure to cancer is probably locked inside the mind of a girl whos obsessed w MyFitnessPal
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Unironically yes
There will be no good art made in this country until you can rent studio apartments for $900 a month again.
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Yawn
Literally writing an article right now about how skinny pretty rich girl pop and corporate-approved rebellion without politics is a sign of an extremely dire ethics vacuum in our culture, with Olivia Rodrigo, Taylor Swift, Lana del Rey, and Ariana Grande in my crosshairs 😈
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Oh that’s your girl? Then why am I asking her to name 5 things she can see, 4 things she can hear,
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What is the science behind needing a fun beverage in order to do any amount of work
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On Valentine’s Day the government should give every girl $100 to spend at JoAnn’s fabric
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I love to crochet…it’s akin to when you walk with a laundry basket on your hip like ahh yes…many women have traveled this path before i..
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Songs like this should be regulated like weapons. You should not be allowed to access it unless you have an open field and no one else is around you. The fact that this could come up on shuffle is diabolical
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How it feels to be a Lana fan during awards season.. god the pain is unimaginable.
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Sucks because Ritalin gives me an eating disorder but I would love to be able to put away laundry again
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Went to a psychic expecting to learn about my (boundless, illuminating) karmic energy and she spent the whole time telling me she’s convinced I was sex trafficked in a past life
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Sorry you all are too UGLY and LAZY (poor!) to PUT IN THE WORK that I have (receiving 6 consecutive BBLS)
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In the Nordstrom dressing rooms overhearing a core memory being created as a mom says sternly to her tween daughter “it’s a MEDIUM. SURELY it should fit.”
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Literally what is the proper response when someone knocks on the bathroom door when you’re in it.. I always go into base-level fear mode and am not responsible for what I say. Today it was “oh yeah? Sorry”
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I love getting gas in Oregon. You forget you crossed state lines until all of a sudden an employee comes running to rip the pump out of your hands. And they’re like you’re actually not allowed to do that here. For some reason
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Just sat next to two men at breakfast who talked about 9/11 the whole time and then as they’re leaving one of them says “well anyway, happy birthday man!”
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That don’t stop believing ass synth line in the chorus of American Teenager.. love that
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Im sorry is the culture aligned on the decision that Eric Andre is not sexy…?
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My favorite IG sex doll has passed away. Please be delicate with me during this time
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Tearing up watching You’re So Not Invited to My Bat Mitzvah like wow having a culture is so beautiful .. the only things my family passes down is alcoholism and mental illness
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New Le Creuset drop is a fantastic study in brand loyalty & identity formation via consumption. Because this is giving QVC bargain bin and the girls are eating it up regardless
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I get so excited when I finally have a Modern Problem to bring up in therapy like thank god I can stop talking about my childhood and then 5 minutes into discussing it I’m like wait this reminds me of something that happened when I was 8 actually
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I’ll say it. Malibu Barbie Paytas is a beautiful name in my opinion
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If I never recovered from my eating disorder I would have never reached my full big tittied potential… girls keep in mind.
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