dontdrinkbeer
@dontdrinkbeer
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Following
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Statuses
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12 years of this and all I got was this taster glass
Joined September 2011
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Pinned Tweet
RONE RUNNING 2018: PUSH TICKS TO THE LIMIT
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Me 14 beers deep on my friend’s ikea couch, 1 ply blanket, phone dead, shoes on
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Yesterday I went to the ER with stabbing abdominal pains and was diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer that has spread to my liver. I have undergone emergency surgery and there is a long road ahead.
Hold your loved ones close, thank you so much to anyone who has reached out
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“Idk I find it hard to believe there’s this much sexism in the beer industry I’ve never experienced ANY of that personally-“
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Me excited for beers on Friday like I didn’t already drink every single other day this week like a complete degenerate
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There’s beer nerds out there who have paid more for a single bottle of lambic than Trump paid in taxes.
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Hype brewer: “our next beer will feature cinnamon, vanilla, flour, sugar, butter, salt, shortening, bakers yeast, almost no water and will be served as an actual cinnamon roll. For real we a straight up bakery now. 2pp, don’t park next door”
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Hazy ipa enthusiasts buying the newest hypecan release
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Choose your alignment carefully. Character selection cannot be changed at a later time.
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Front of house telling the head brewer that a homebrewer wants to talk to him
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I don’t know if “we removed all color” is the April fools space founders needs to be occupying
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Dudes are embarrassed to wear a mask but will straight up drink 2%abv unfermented fruit purée
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Brewers painstakingly crafting lagers knowing someone who got into beer 9 months ago will give it 2.5 ⭐️
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This is such a kind gesture. I’m sitting here in chemo and reading this means a lot,
We are longtime fans of
@dontdrinkbeer
, and devastated to see the fight he's going through. 100% of sales of Life Jacket (a beer whose name would never have existed without Alex) will go to support his treatment and his family through the end of the month.
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Last round of chemo for this series. Next up CT scans and hopefully no lung surgery in the near future. 💪
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Craft beer is so bonkers in 2018 that I was looking at the food menu for two minutes before I realized it was the tap list
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Decades of dunking on people for making weed their entire personality and now we just let hazy ipa fans walk the earth with impunity
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Since I’m sober now I can truly be accepted in the bourbon community, with all their bottles that they also will never open or enjoy.
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As a preservative they needed to add more hops so the beer could be shipped from Britain to India and so-
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I love when someone asks you about [some completely random brewery X out of 8100 breweries] and then when you go “oh no, havent heart of Bear Hill brewing in Kiposoka Wyoming” and they go “weird, I thought you were like into beer, you’re a beer guy right?”
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Consumers: we want classic clean beers also inexpensive barrel aged vanilla stouts and a new fruited lactose ipa every week also never make the same beer twice
Brewers:
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Here’s what you’re gonna do. You’re gonna open a 1bbl nano brewery in Virginia. You tell people you make Berliners but you just add puree to contract brewed kettle sours. The customer? All they need to know is you’re “craft” and “local”
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When you wake up hungover and dehydrated AF and your friend says “get up we are day drinking”
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“You see, they call it an ‘IPA’ because they would add extra hops when shipping the-“
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Eventually all the dudes who went from purée gose to pastry stouts to mead will be like "Soda. It turns out what I actually wanted was soda"
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Beer nerds when they’re watching a show and see any regional craft beer as a prop
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Hazebros when a brewery releases the exact same hollandaise ipa with the same three hops but in a different order
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I’m gonna make an inverted OnlyFans where I text people facts about Baltic porters every day until they pay me $9.99 a month to opt out.
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I chugged the entire 6 hour chemo bag and then everyone clapped
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In 2019, the “joke” beer announcements on April Fools are indistinguishable from other completely nonironic label approvals.
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Beer nerds a year in vs jaded beer dudes seven years in
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BREAKING NEWS: local tolerant girlfriend wants to go home “before [they] even finish the whole vertical.”
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Scientists have postulated that at the current rate of attention seeking breweries opening, by 2021 the modern consumer will not be able to identify beer as we know it
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If the debate was going to be one incoherent dude constantly interrupting with rambling nonsense, then it should have been moderated by a brewery tasting room server.
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When you ask the dude at the tasting how long he has been into pastry stouts
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Showing up with barleywines at Xmas dinner knowing full well that no one there will appreciate your contribution
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“Nah man this batch they put them in like in a different order”
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Me four flights deep at the tasting room petting on some stranger’s dog
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So sick of seeing people wearing t-shirts of bands they don’t even listen to.
If you’re a real Nirvana fan name one song off of Vitalogy besides “Black Hole Sun”
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Please be respectful today and realize that Cinco de Mayo can involve cultural appropriation. For you it's one day, but for some people drinking terrible import lagers is their entire life.
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I love how craft beer nerds are tearing Bud Light apart for corn syrup commentary, meanwhile those same people currently drink the wildest food additives in their beer. If AbInbev labeled it “lactose” and took it to the craft beer castle ppl would be having a complete meltdown.
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This the type of dude who rolls up on a woman at a bar and starts telling the IPA origin story
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BREAKING NEWS: brave flavor designer known for adding frozen pizzas and fried chicken to beers takes bold stance against hoppy water.
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Me listening to the server list all 24 taps when I’m just gonna order a Sierra Nevada Pale ale as is tradition
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Me strolling into the brewery the next day to close out my tab
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When u bring high abv bottles to the family Thanksgiving and ur the only one who can actually drink them
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You may not like it but this is what homebrewing in 2020 will look like
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Spouse: “you can’t just crush saisons and glide around the living room”
Me:
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A dinner party except there’s no food and you make your friends listen to the sonic nuance of Polyphia in respectful silence
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My threshold for self control is set so low that not drinking four nights in a row feels like I accomplished something unthinkable like running a 5k
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An old timer today at chemo told me he had been doing infusions for 12 years. “Look at where they’re at now, I had my time and you’re gonna have yours. I still got the grass under my feet and not above me, so who’s complaining.”
Amazing.
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One beer question I absolutely can never answer is “who is drinking all this god damn Stella?”
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Spouse: “you can bring your fancy beers but don’t get all weird this is a work party”
Me, five barleywines later:
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WE JUST RAISED TWENTY THOUSAND DOLLARS FOR REPRODUCTIVE RIGHTS IN SIX HOURS. Thank you so so much for everyone who donated.
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It should be every brewery’s goal to be so successful that grocery store stepdads think the actual name of the brewery is that one beer that they know they make.
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Me sitting back watching dudes drive to Side Project to take a pic of the beer in the car to trade it for another beer that they won’t drink that gets sold for bourbon they heard was good that gets sold in divorce proceedings
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Next week at breweries is gonna be amazing when dudes with in Under Armor polo shirts saunter in maskless citing the CDC and tossing their growlers in the trunk next to their trash bags full of 87 unleaded.
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The last thing a brewery sees before every single keg of hard seltzer is kicked
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Millennial inheritances will be wild, so much KBS and unopened Bruery bottles
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When are these coward breweries gonna start brewing ivermectin Saisons so I can get actual equine notes
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When u lose ur friends at a beer festival so u pull out your phone to text them
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This is the crown they send you when you check in 500 rauchbiers on Untappd
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Any beer can be a session beer if you believe in yourself
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Brewery: “we took our award winning barleywine and added copious amounts of-“
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Dudes in the brewery tasting room looking up from their third flight like
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Beer mascots and whether or not I’d be able to kick their ass
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Me in 2012: "I bet by 2017 people will be able to buy awesome barrel aged saisons and barleywines right off the shelf!"
Actual 2017:
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Beer nerds be late every day to work but instantly pop up for that Saturday 5:30am stout release alarm like
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This how dudes at brewery tasting rooms stand before they ask for a “splash” to decide what they 4oz pour they want in their flight
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“Are you just going to continue to post these low-effort memes ripping on beer nerds?”
Me:
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If
@RevBrewChicago
and
@fremontbrewing
agree to brew “3K Jacket” I will give them the jacket to wear and dunk in the mash tun.
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Craft beer dudes will buy their entire wardrobes from REI And Carhartt and then average 1600 steps a day.
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Me in 2014: “I bet in five years we will have readily available Barrel aged wild ales and won’t have to drink kettle sours anymo-“
Breweries in 2019:
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Me: “I can’t wait until beer festivals come back”
Also me at beer festivals:
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Driving home from the barleywine share that you hosted
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These kids think they’re getting candy but I’m handing out 1TB of homebrew water chemistry adjustment notes
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We just cleared $35,000 in donations for reproductive rights. It’s humbling to see all the names and how many people have donated to protect a woman’s right to choose. Thank you to all the donors making this possible.
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Hot new brewing secret to make almost every stout taste better
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Please consider donating to the family of Breonna Taylor, I have organized a fundraiser and I hope we can raise some money to help her family and honor her memory.
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When ur quarantined so you start cracking high abv beers at 10:30am without any guilt
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Name one other pop star who changed craft beer this much go ahead I'll wait
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