Duchess Dee for PM🐟 #FBPE #FBPR #GobshiteClub
@deelomas
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A little bit funny. A little bit serious. Mostly kind. Don’t like swearing? Don’t follow me. Your loss. No DMs unless I know you. #GTTO
North Somerset
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3yr old: Where does poo come from?
Me(making it simple):You just had lunch
Her: Yes
Me:The food goes into your mouth & into your tummy.Our body takes all the good stuff and the rest goes to our bottom & when you go to the toilet that comes out as poo
Stunned silence
Her:& Tigger?
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Picked up a hitch-hiker. Seemed like a nice guy. After a few miles he asked me if I wasn’t afraid he might be a serial killer? I told him that the odds of two serial killers being in the same car at the same time were extremely low…
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I may lose followers over this. I may gain followers over this.
I hate MRS BROWNS BOYS with every fibre of my being…
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Took all day yesterday but finally it’s finished. A pallet I made from an old coffee table…
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A week ago my mother in law began reading the Exorcist. She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil she couldn’t finish it,took it to the beach & threw it off the pier.
I went & bought another copy, ran it under the tap & I left it on the bedside table in her room!
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My 6 year old granddaughter flat out refuses to believe that we used to navigate using maps made out of paper.
“What, like pirates?”
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Caller into LBC.
“He’s the right man for the job. He stopped Corbyn getting in and if Corbyn had got in we would have rampant inflation and national strikes.”
Shelagh Fogarty: Have you been asleep during 2022?
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Dear
@bbcquestiontime
- I’ve worked in a women’s refuge. No one hits anyone in a domestic violence situation once.
That you laughed & made light of it is one of the most hideous & misogynistic things I’ve witnessed on TV.
@BBCNews
- you need to deal with this.
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Does anyone else wish manufacturers would write ‘shampoo’ and ‘conditioner’ in bigger font so that you can read them in the shower without your glasses???
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Dear
@Jacob_Rees_Mogg
My ma fell over 3 hours ago. She’s definitely fractured at least one bone. She’s possibly fractured a hip. She’s as white as a ghost and shaking and crying. She’s 87 years old. She worked all her life and paid her taxes which means she owns part of the NHS
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Road rage. Some angry guy with road rage just yelled out his window, “I’m gonna make your life a living hell!” I yelled back, “Thanks but I’m not looking for a relationship right now” 🤣
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It’s a sad sad situation when young people are screaming about vaccine passports but aren’t screaming about voter ID.
I live in a country where admission to a nightclub is is more important than admission to a polling station…
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This is
@Jacob_Rees_Mogg
After blathering on far too long yesterday afternoon in the HOC - he didn’t even bother to vote.
I’m going to make sure that his constituents - of which I am one - see his voting record at the next
#GeneralElection
#GTTONow
This is Laura Trott, MP for Sevenoaks & Minister for Pensions. She showed utter disdain & disrespect for the country & her constituents by not voting on the
#PrivilegesCommitteeReport
yesterday. This will be remembered at the
#GeneralElection2024
#GTTO
#ToriesOut348
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I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?
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A scammer called my mum and said he had all her passwords.
She got a pen and paper and said, “Thank god for that. What are they?”
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I tried donating blood today. NEVER AGAIN!
Too many stupid questions. Whose blood is it? Where did you get it from? Why is it in a bucket?
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My daughter just made the mistake of telling me I was over dramatic so I just changed the WiFi password. We’ll see who’s over dramatic in about 5 minutes!
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Dear
@Jeremy_Hunt
The average private pension pot of a UK worker when they reach retirement is (checks notes) (as at October 2022) is £37,800.
Who has £1.8m in a pension pot?
Do you think we really all are are that thick?
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Our WiFi was out last night so I ended up chatting with my husband. I was surprised to hear he was no longer working in Woolworths…
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What we need to know:
Which airlines
Which fuel company
Which catering company
Which airport
And as one, we boycott them.
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“He who is without ovaries shall not make laws for those who do.”
Fallopians 5:12
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The people who make fitted sheets really need to sit down with the people who make mattresses and get on the same page.
Making the bed shouldn’t be like putting a swimming cap on a fridge.
Thank you
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Bloody marvellous trolling of
@BorisJohnson
by the priest at the remembrance service this morning. “When the democratic process gives rise to division and bad decision it is up to the minority to protest…”
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soon.
It’s time to go. You all need to resign and hand the running of this government over to people who will put the people before the party.
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My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead. He’s at the ER now, his face all swollen and bruised. He almost died.
Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.
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I was in a black cab in London on Friday & he told me that he picks up Lords & Ladies from various stations in London & takes them to the HOL,asked to wait while they ‘sign’ in & then drives them to a club, or shopping, etc. As long as they sign in they can claim their £332 a day
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This is Buddy. I bought him as a surprise present for my husband but it turns out he’s allergic to dogs so unfortunately I’ve got to find him a new home. I’m just wondering if anyone can help? His name’s Alan, he’s 63, great at DIY & drives a nice car & plans wonderful holidays..
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If you’re a
@Conservatives
voter remember that today 30 big money donors wrote to your MPs & told them to support
@BorisJohnson
.
The
@Conservatives
work for their donors not their voters. Do not forget this when it comes to the next GE. Your interests come second to the money.
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I always make a donation to the poppy appeal but I don’t wear a poppy anymore. Not since the far right have hijacked it.
Is that just me or do any of the rest of you feel the same?
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Every hate filled tweet, Facebook comment, Instagram post tells me that Harry and Meghan were absolutely correct when they kissed goodbye to the royal family and the UK and made their home elsewhere. I wish them nothing but joy, peace and happiness.
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Going into a teenagers room is a bit like taking a trip to IKEA.
You pop in just to have a look and and end up leaving with 6 cups, 2 bowls, 3 plates, a tea towel and some cutlery…
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EVERYONE. FUCKING. KNEW.
Every newspaper editor
Every journalist.
Every
@Conservatives
MP
Every member of the Tory party
Every person who voted for him in the 2019 election
They knew he was a no good cvnt yet still they gave him the keys to No. 10.
Never forget that.
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My ma’s everyone’s sort of person.She’s a fabulous old Irish lady with a real twinkle in her eye.She’s been widowed since she was 57 & she’s been on her own ever since.She’s 87 now. She battles every day to maintain her independence & I love her with all my heart.She says cheers!
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Why is no news channel talking about the Brexit disaster? Is this the biggest cover up in history?
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Can any one identify this bird please?
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I like Jeremy Corbyn. He got my vote 2x. He lost 2x. Really I don’t care why he lost. I can’t live on what might have been or what could have been. There. I’ve said it. He’s not coming back. He’s not the messiah. Let’s move on & get behind anyone who can get these fvckers out.
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Congratulations to my wonderful husband who reached a new culinary milestone yesterday by setting off the neighbours smoke alarm…
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I really need to know the back story here…
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My husband ran off with my best friend, Jill, yesterday.
My sister said, “since when has jill been your best friend?”
“Since yesterday,” I replied…
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Hola! I have successfully appealed my suspension!
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I was listening to Lord Butler on R4 this lunchtime & what he said chilled me to the bone.
He talked about the corruption of our constitution by the replacing of loyal civil servants with political cronies
The
@Conservatives
are destroying this country & it’s time for a revolt.
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Dear All
I bring a single word. HOPE.
I was in Waitrose in Wells today and sitting at the next table to ours in the cafe were two ladies - I’d say late 70s and one said to the other, “Do you know what this country needs? We need to take to the streets like the French.” and
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My husband said, “why do you watch cooking shows? You can’t cook.”
I said, “why do you watch porn…”
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Just going through French customs at Euro Tunnel and I still get mortified by our decision to leave the EU and always want to say “it wasn’t me. I didn’t vote for that shit.’ Is it just me or do you feel the same?
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Day 78. Still no tomatoes…
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My mum is wondering why she can see right through Boris Johnson when she’s registered blind and half the country can’t? It’s a great question. Anyone care to answer it for her???
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Dear
@Jacob_Rees_Mogg
As one of your constituents, I would like to inform you that me, my family, my loved ones, my friends & relatives still care about PARTYGATE.
Amongst the many reasons to NEVER vote Tory it’s on the list. You’re going to lose your seat & I can’t wait.
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Should we give the Elgin Marbles back?
I’ve thought that we should for years.
They belong in the Parthenon museum.
Maybe that’s just me…
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I waved at a man because I thought he was waving at me. Apparently, he was waving at another woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life…
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To be blocked by Redwood, Laurence Fox et al is a badge of honour I’m delighted to be wearing.
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her friend replied, “What? And burn things?” and get friend said, “Yes. If that’s what it takes to get rid of this government.”
Wells is very much a Tory area and this exchange has brought me so much joy today!
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No ambulance available for hours. Probably not until tomorrow.
Have you got any suggestions. Asking you because you are my MP.
It’s a disgrace and I feel terrible for the staff answering the phones and having to tell seriously injured people that help is not coming any time
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By the time you turn 50 you should have the following:
1. A drawer full of random cords
2. Tupperware with half the lids missing
3. Anxiety
4. A plastic bag full of plastic bags
5. Sleep deprivation
Or am I alone in this?
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Therapist: What’s really bothering you?
Me:
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@pritipatel
this is what desperation looks like. No mother parts with her baby unless the future looks so horrendous you feel you have no choice.I’m a mother & a grandmother & this photo cuts me to the bone.Her pain must be unbearable & unimaginable. At least, it is to me
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Just had my last meal of solid food for 12 weeks & as someone who loves cooking (& eating) this is a really big deal for me. Fingers crossed the surgery goes according to plan & the recovery goes without a hitch. En route to hospital now & honestly feeling quite anxious:-(
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When Johnson gave a Russian oligarch a peerage it didn’t cause half the fuss that giving Tony Blair a peerage has.A fvcking Russian media oligarch that conspired with the Tories to get Brexit through & to win elections/referendums fraudulently
This country does my fookin head in
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I’ve always fvcking hated New Year’s Eve anyway. A very over rated over priced evening out. I hate Auld Lang Syning with people I hardly know and people I wish I’d never met. Much rather stay in and drink good booze and eat great chocolate with my guy. Am I right or am I right?
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How many of you are old enough to remember that pig Robert Maxwell robbing the pensions from all those Daily Mirror employees? In Ghislaine we have proof that a bad apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
So much corruption and arrogance amongst the rich and famous.
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I just replaced my cat litter box with an Amazon box. Now, when it’s full, I just tape it shut and put it out on my porch for someone to steal…
Follow me for more housekeeping tips!
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A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit, “What’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
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Wtaf does ‘I cannot change what I was required to say’ mean exactly
@BBC
We know that Fiona Bruce works from notes & a feed directly through an ear piece so who fed her that line?
Who decided to trivialise such a violent act by Stanley Johnson.We need answers as soon as possible
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Please don’t respond to Grimes, Corcoran, Hartley-Brewer. It’s their fuel. It’s what keeps them in employment. Keeps their pay checks coming in.
Ignore them. For the love of god, please ignore them.
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I wonder how many people who voted for Brexit ever travelled into Europe. Or had a child that partook in the Erasmus program or exported or imported to or from Europe. Or took their dog there. Or got sick there. Does anyone know?
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Did my first nude painting this morning. The neighbours weren’t too happy but I think the front door looks good!
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The saddest thing for me since June 2016 isn’t that we left the EU. It was the realisation that I lived in an intolerant, racist country. I can’t get over that and I never will.
I’ll fight that till my last breath.
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I want to make this absolutely fvcking clear. Crystal clear.
A great number of sitting Tory MPs are standing down at the next GE because they know they are going to lose their seats. New faces will appear and say what’s happened over the last 13yrs is nothing to do with
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It seems to me
@LindsayHoyle_MP
you need to take control of the House. If you can ask a member of the house to leave because he called
@BorisJohnson
a liar then at PMQs we expect you to ask him to withdraw that lie & if he does not you must make him to leave. Do your job fairly.
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Raise your hand if you ever had to read cooking instructions from a package that you had to retrieve from the bin…
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I just want to say - LOOK at the gorgeousness that is our miracle granddaughter!
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Who else remembers taking a transistor radio to bed and listening to it under the covers so your parents didn’t know you were still awake?
I used to listen to radio Caroline and radio Luxembourg!
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When you’re young and you drop something you just bend down and pick it straight up.
When you’re old and you drop something you stare at it for a while wondering if you actually need it anymore…
Or is that just me????
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I asked my husband what would fix our creaky stairs.
‘Slimming world’ was not the answer I was expecting.
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I discovered my first grey pubic hair today but I didn’t freak out. Not like the other people in the lift…
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I’ve met Ian Botham. He might just still be able to place his fielders if he were coming into bowl but beyond that he’s a boorish, loud mouthed, pro Brexit fartsparkler and his qualifications to be a new trade envoy are what exactly? Australians like cricket but only their team..
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Our friends
@GoodLawProject
have raised enough money to fund a full time person looking through all the files requested under the freedom of information act
@GregHands
- they raised it in less than a day because we are sick & tired of you lot & we love
@carolvorders
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Last tweet from me for a bit.
Pre op assessment and prepping for major surgery next Thursday. Was feeling very, very low but the by election results have cheered me right up!
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We’ve got a house full. Changing single, double, king size & super king size beds - it feels like every other day.
Would it hurt bed linen manufacturers to put the size on the labels of the bedding & not just on the packaging that you buy it in…or am I missing something? 😖
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Am I the only person who finds wind farms very elegant and streamlined?
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I asked my neighbour if he would take my bin out for me as I was going away… he definitely went above and beyond!
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Why do the electorate constantly buy the ‘we are way ahead of the rest of the world in (insert any word you like here)’… from any Tory MP, minister and
@BorisJohnson
when 99% of time we are somewhere near the back door?
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Sex education in school should be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours whilst watching Peppa Pig on repeat…
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So I was in Lidl this morning and a woman was looking at the frozen turkeys but she couldn’t find one big enough.
She asked one of the assistants, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”
He replied, with a straight face, “No, ma’am. They are dead.”
Made my week!
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Fvck off you fvcking bitch. What’s going on in Liverpool has happened on your watch because you’re an inflammatory rotten to the core cow. You are a stain on this country and I cannot wait for you and your party to be kicked into the long grass… THAT TIME CANNOT COME SOON ENOUGH
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Should
@DominicRaab
be held in contempt today for talking through, sneering at and at times laughing at
@Ianblackford_MP
speech? Isn’t there a code or conduct?
@LindsayHoyle_MP
can you reply?
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In case it’s not abundantly clear…
I don’t care who takes over in No 10 after the next election as long as it’s not a Tory.
My vote will go to whoever has the best chance of beating these fvckers.
I don’t give a fvck if you have to hold your nose before voting. Just do it.
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@upursbetty
@Jacob_Rees_Mogg
I know who’s at fault and I had a lovely conversation with the call handler. They can only do what they can with what they’ve got and it’s not enough because
@Conservatives
have deliberately run the nhs into the ground.
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When you understand that under capitalism a forest has no value until it’s cut down, you begin to understand the root of our ecological crisis…
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Until you work in retail or hospitality, you have no idea the levels of rudeness that exist out there…
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I don’t want a 2p tax cut. I’m lucky I don’t need it but I’m aware some people do need it. So yes, increase the tax free allowance for the lowest earners & tax the higher earners more. I would pay an extra 2p in the £ to fund better services for all.
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May you never experience the anguish of going up to bed only to discover that you stripped the bed earlier but didn’t put the clean bedding back on…
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Found out two things today!!
1. Kitchen sex can be wild and exciting.
2. The staff at McDonald’s are quite narrow minded…
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Yesterday my husband purchased a world map. He gave me a dart and said “Throw this and wherever it lands I’m taking you on holiday” Turns out we’re spending 2 weeks behind the fridge 😆
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They helped us back in the car and sent us to Musgrove Hospital in taunton as she needs trauma care. We drove her because they couldn’t get her an ambulance. The A&E is packed out.
Welcome to broken Britain. A deliberate criminal destruction by
@Conservatives
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Once I went to a party with my husband - full of people he knew (from work) but I didn’t know any of them. A guy came up to us, turned to me and said, “You must be his wife?” I turned to my husband and said, “You have a WIFE?”
Should’ve seen the guys face…
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The biggest lie known to man…
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Some days it’s absolute shite on this platform and other days the fact that Oakeshit has lost her shit over EU flags at last nights proms gives me such warm and fuzzy sensations…
Am I an oddball? Be honest now…
🇪🇺🇪🇺🇪🇺🇪🇺🇪🇺🇪🇺🇪🇺🇪🇺🇪🇺🇪🇺🇪🇺
Just for you
@IsabelOakeshott
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“Trust us with your money. Labour will only piss it away” has been sold to the public as a fact.
We live in one of the richest countries in the world & yet we have millions of people forced to use food banks not because of Labour mismanagement but because of
@Conservatives
greed
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