David Hughes
@david8hughes
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Writer. I wrote this bio. Mock the Week | Trailer Park Boys | The Project
Perth, Western Australia
Joined December 2011
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Last Seen Profiles
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
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Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
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[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
"Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye."
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[at the mall]
"Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?"
"Of course."
[leans in to mic]
"Goodbye you little shit."
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[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
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[inventing dogs]
God: ur mans best friend
Dog: pretty sexist
God: no, man as in every-fuck it u can't talk
Dog: ...
God: & chocolate kills u
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God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
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[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
"Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?"
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[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
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In all the movies, Santa never goes to the house directly next door. He always gets in his sleigh & fucks off like 20 miles east.
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Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what's your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
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Wow this blew up. Use promo code NOTINUSA to learn about time zones and how people live in other parts of the world.
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[phone rings]
"Mr Hughes?"
"Yeah."
"We need u to come pick yr son up from school."
"Ugh. Whats he done now?"
"Nothing. Its nearly midnight."
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Me: Netflix & chill?
Her: sure
[later that night]
Her: so you don't have Netflix?
Me [pulling out 20 condoms]: I don't have chill either
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[ultrasound]
Nurse: it's triplets
Me: but my wife only got two titties tho
Nurse [looks at my wife]: oh shit she only got two titties tho
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[giving tour of zoo]
Kid: how long is a giraffe's neck?
Me: long as fuck
Kid: how many feet though?
Me: he's got 4 feet & a long fucken neck
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Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I'm not sure.
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[at the chameleon store]
Me: do you have any chameleons?
Clerk: I've no fucken idea
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Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
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"Hi, I'm in room 326, I'd like to order a wake up call."
"Ok. Your wife is very close to leaving you & you're a joke to your co-workers."
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[loudly so the police officers behind me in the McDonald's line can hear]
Me: god I fucken hate crime
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Wife: don't forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it's Saturday, they're both upstairs
Wife: it's Wednesday & we have 3 kids
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[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don't make it
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[picking son up from karate]
Me: how was it?
Son: good, we learned-
Me [chop to his throat]: fuck all, you learned absolutely fuck all
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Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my 'Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist' mug: which school do they go to?
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Taylor Swift denies that her new song 'Fuck You, Calvin Harris, You Fucker' is about her recent breakup with the Scottish DJ.
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[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: ...
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
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The music stopped for a second in the strip club and everyone heard me opening my Velcro wallet.
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[in Walmart]
"Excuse me, do you have towels?"
"Oh, I don't work here."
[leans in close]
"I don't give a shit where you work."
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[me narrating a documentary about an octopus]
Look at this fat, wet spider.
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[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing's for bears
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Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
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[looks over neighbour's fence while he's in the pool]
"Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days."
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The movie 'Up' is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn't die.
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I was quite flexible when I was younger. The kids at school used to call me Spider-Man because my uncle was murdered.
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[shipwreck diary]
Day 5: I haven't had sex in over 6 months
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[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
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[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you're late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
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Text from wife: I'm so sorry, I'm gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
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Papa bear: someone's been sitting in my chair
Goldilocks from upstairs: it's a wooden stool how the fuck can you possibly know that
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[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
"Useless piece of shit."
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Therapist: what's your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
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When your alarm goes off & you have to go to work because you didn't die in your sleep
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[at the skate store]
Me: do you sell knee pads but for elbows?
Clerk: you mean elbow pads?
Me [seething]: ok college boy, elbow pads
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Me: will there be sausage rolls?
Margaret [sobbing uncontrollably]: th-there-
Me [louder]: Margaret. Your husband's funeral. Sausage rolls?
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Trump: fucken hate muslims
Advisor: Muhammad Ali just died
Trump: butterfly box man?
Advisor: butterfly box man
Trump: I like that one
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[trying to comfort crying baby]
Me: what is your fucken problem
Wife: try singing to him
Me: 🎶 what is your fucken problem 🎶
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[feeding baby]
Me: open wide for the airplane
Wife: he's 3 months old. He's not ready for pizza
Baby: you fucken stay outta this
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[court]
Judge: has the jury reached a verdict
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Judge [gesturing for juror to carry on]: as
Juror: as fuck
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Therapist: let's look at why you feel like such a big dumb loser
Me: I didn't say that
Therapist [looks at notes]: well one of us did
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[first day as tour guide at Natural History Museum]
"So exactly how old are these bones?"
"Oh those bones are in fact old as fuck."
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[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don't think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
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[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: ...
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
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[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
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If someone says "happy holidays" to you this year remind them that they are in America & there is no such thing as happiness.
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[wins the lottery]
Me [calls boss]: fuck you & fuck your shitty fucken job you piece of shit
Wife: what about when the $60 is gone
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[inventing kaleidoscope]
Researcher: u know that feeling when u get out the bath too quickly
"Yeah?"
Researcher: put that in a Pringles can
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Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
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[inventing toast]
Baker 1: that bread u just cooked
Baker 2: yea
Baker 1: cook it again
Baker 2: why
Baker 3 [friend of baker 1]: do it Jeff
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Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn't text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
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I've got a tattoo on my knees of better knees. When I'm old and my knees give out, doctors will be like, "What the fuck? These look fine."
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[at the camping store]
"I need a compass."
"They're over on the southeast wall."
"Fuck you, pal."
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