Bumped into an old mate today. Asked what he was doing these days. He said " I prepare meals for down and outs, piss heads and drug addicts. " I said "Wow, that's so fantastic and must be so rewarding, are you working for the Salvation Army? " He said " No, Whetherspoon's."

To be fair, it's nice that my wife always takes the time to comment on my appearance.

I just read that the doll from 'Frozen' will be the most popular toy this Christmas. Make sure your daughter doesn't miss out by popping an old Barbie in the freezer now. You're welcome. 😜👍🏻🥃🥃🎄🎄🎅🏻

I just confused a young boy called Alfie by asking him 'what's it all about'?

Sad news! I broke up with my girlfriend Lorraine. She found out I was seeing another girl, Claire Lee. Good News! I can see Claire Lee now, Lorraine has gone.

I asked my boss “What do you want me to do with this 6 meter roll of bubble wrap?” He replied “Just pop it in the corner. “ 4 bloody hours it took me!

I have a mate who writes songs about sewing machines. He’s a Singer songwriter. Or sew it seams.

"A date which will live in infamy." 84 years later, we honor their sacrifice. Never forget our allies and friends across the pond. 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸

Here’s today’s Advent tune. Mr Chuck Berry, great little video too. 👍🏻🍻🎅🏻🎅🏻🎄🎄🎶🎶🎸🎸 https://t.co/IEJ8KDT5ac

Here’s today’s Advent cracker joke: 🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁 How do you get down from an elephant? You don't, you get down from a duck.👍🏻😂🎅🏻🌲

Ideal selection box for vegan children this Christmas. *You're welcome*

He's started off early this year.

Pop star Beyoncé is the eldest of music legend Lionel Richie's 3 daughters. Her younger sisters are Betwicé and Bethreetimesaladeé *Not a lot of people know that.*

So I got a toilet duck. To be fair, it hasn’t made it any cleaner. It just bites everyone.

Breaking News:- A mouse and an Arabian gentleman with an eye patch are being hunted a after robbery, police advise not to approach, as they are Ahmed and Dangermouse.

Sometimes I miss my umbilical cord, I grew attached to it.

I just saw the Marks & Spencer Christmas advert. They say on it, "It wouldn't be Christmas without M&S. They're right of course, It would be Chrita.

Here’s today’s Advent tune. The legend Elvis from the ‘68 Comeback Special. 🍻👍🏻🎄🎄🎅🏻🎅🏻🎸🎸🎶🎶 https://t.co/oRYmbCatG9

Here's todays advent cracker joke:-🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁 What do you give a man who has everything? Antibiotics.👍🏻🍻🎅🏻🎄🎅🏻🎄🎅🏻🎄🎄🎄😜

You know it's nearly Christmas when you spot your first Robin in a tree.